Saint John Chrysostom on the fulfillment of marital duty. Marital duty – what is it? The wife does not fulfill her marital duty, what to do?

According to scientific research, love lasts three years. It is during this period that grinding in and getting used to each other occurs. A similar thing happens with intimate life: at first you are exhausted with desire, disturb your neighbors’ sleep, enjoying each other as on your wedding night, and after a while the passion subsides.

It is then that your sex turns into a marital duty, and its regular absence intuitively makes it clear that there is a crisis in family relationships. Let's understand what marital duty entails, together with the Svadbaholik.ru portal.

The law on marital debt: legal or moral side?

By entering into marriage, spouses undertake to comply with regulations that are closely related to strengthening the family union, caring for material well-being, and equal fulfillment of responsibilities for the upbringing and development of children.

Moral aspects of the concept of marital duty

What is marital duty under the law? This term is now considered only from a moral point of view, because from a legal point of view, there are no fixed obligations of an intimate nature to spouses.

Marital duty performed by husband and wife is not only regular sex, but also constant joint work to maintain family relationships. Intimate relationships in marriage without love, mutual understanding and care turn into a routine that kills the feelings of the spouses.

Relationships in an official or civil marriage are not a candy-bouquet period, because there are many factors that can affect their quality. These may include living together with parents, having children in the family, mentally and physically exhausting work, fatigue, etc. However, if there is love in a marriage, all obstacles can be overcome together.

Where did the “debt” come from?

The origin and true meaning of the concept of “marital duty” is still unknown. There are only some guesses as to why sex in marriage, which should bring pleasure, is called duty.

Previously, when the concept of love marriage practically did not exist, women were married for convenience, including for debts. It is logical to assume that somewhere during that period this slightly contradictory phrase arose.

The wife refuses to fulfill her marital duty: possible reasons

Failure to fulfill marital duties most often offends men. Someone begins to consider his wife untemperamental, cold, sometimes even frigid, and then he is almost surprised to learn that she has a lover.

The other, on the contrary, makes up for the lack of thrills on the side. Why is this happening? Let's find out the reasons why a wife refuses to fulfill her marital duty, because they often become the main reasons for divorce, as www.site found out:

As many people say, if you didn’t give it, then suffer alone. Why are so many families falling apart today? The answer is simple: there is no mutual understanding, there is no mutual desire. You just got bored or the bustle of life (being) took away all the beauty and romance. Well, where to go from this existence, what to do to actually become a happy person. Most likely you need to look deep into yourself. Change something inside yourself and then everything will go uphill and everything will work out. And romance and passion and great desire... Everything will come back, you just need the right priorities, they need to be valued and respected, you can’t play with feelings. And then you won't sit alone like a fool.

Let's talk about one question - why does the Wife deny her husband sex?

How often do you hear from men “My wife won’t let me, I don’t understand the reason, I don’t know what to do”... Is it possible to reason with her?

To begin with, I would like to give you one parable. From the life of animals. From the sex life of gorillas.
Biologists observed them - one male and five females - for several years. And they noticed: some representatives of the weaker monkey sex often and persistently offer sex to the male, feigning an extreme degree of readiness. At the same time, the one who is already pregnant is the most active - she clings to her “husband,” the father of her unborn child. Why, one might ask, if the goal has already been achieved and continuation of the family line is ensured? And then, it turns out, so that the male is not distracted by other females. According to scientists, this behavior became a harbinger of monogamy in humans.
The point of the parable: even monkeys understand that a male needs sex, that it strengthens the family. But some human people don’t understand this.

“I’m tired - my head hurts - I want to sleep”
Sexless - psychologists use this term to describe a disgusting phenomenon that has affected both Western and Russian society. Namely, the lack of regular sexual intercourse between spouses. It happens, of course, that husbands deprive their wives of intimate attention. But more often than not, women refuse intimacy. And men, tormented by their libido, hear: “I’m tired - my head hurts - I want to sleep.” Or a completely offensive one: “Where did you go?”

Psychologists have found the answer. But you won't believe how simple and straightforward it is.
The author of one song sings the following words: “You refused me three times, that’s how you are...”
An amazing experiment was conducted by sex therapist from Australia Bettina Arndt. She asked 98 men and women (spouses) to keep anonymous diaries of their intimate lives for a year. And tell them the pure truth. Having received what she wanted, the researcher wrote an entire book
"Why Women Quit Sex and Other Battles in the Bedroom."
Bettina did not make the shocking discovery that there were many reasons. And they are usually different for everyone. But I still came across a few common ones.
First: for some reason, most wives believe that sex should only happen when, where and how they want. But at the same time they do not communicate their thoughts to their husbands. And they simply refuse. Like, you have to understand it yourself. But he, the goat, doesn’t understand. And he climbs. And he gets offended even later.
In other words, wives make their husbands guilty of untimely advances. And they themselves are offended by them - such is women’s logic. And this resentment, in turn, becomes a reason for refusal...
Second: the wife holds some kind of grudge against her husband, even if it’s a very small one: for example, he didn’t take out the trash, didn’t ask how she was doing at work, said nasty things to his mother-in-law. And, sulking, he “punishes” with deprivation of intimacy. But again, it doesn't tell the reason for the sex strike. They are silent as a log.
But even when they say the same notorious “I’m tired - my head hurts - I want to sleep,” many women omit the details. Or maybe they really had a hard day at work. And they are so preoccupied with her that there is no room for thoughts about sex in their heads.
But dear readers, what is the conclusion: the bedroom is not a battlefield for psychics, and husbands are not clever telepaths. They need to explain it in detail. And don’t let things get to the point of deep grievances.

No need for romance, better go straight to bed.
“I love my wife,” someone says, essentially confirming the conclusion of the Australian researcher. - I want a wife all the time, although we have been together for 20 years. But she doesn’t care about me. And all the conversations on this topic yield nothing. He doesn’t go to the doctor: “I’m not sick!” I’m physically healthy - porn turns me on, but knowing this, it doesn’t allow me to turn it on. And nothing helps: we go on vacation, and go to restaurants, and to dances - there are more than enough romances..."
Bettina explains that passion, or even basic lust, which pushes newlyweds into each other's arms, cannot last forever. Moreover, it manifests itself equally in both spouses. Yes, even after many years. The production of sexual hormones responsible for it - passion - fades away in about 18 months.
The researcher has found the most primitive production enhancer - sex. But how can you be “treated” by sex if it doesn’t exist?! Very simple, says Bettina. I can’t through it. Through “I’m tired - my head hurts - I want to sleep.”
A woman must realize the harmfulness of sexless, understand how painful it is for a loving husband and destructive for the family. And do not refuse, always agree when your husband asks. Unless, of course, she was overcome by an attack of appendicitis.

How many families are falling apart now. People get divorced, even after living together for many years. And all because passion fades away, there is no tenderness and affection, there is no mutual understanding and love passes away. It is not difficult to end a relationship and get a divorce when problems arise. It is much more difficult to save the family, solve these problems and re-ignite the fire of love and passion that has gone out. One of the pleasant parts of marriage is its intimate side. Marital duty is a family responsibility that is an expression of love between two people. The lack of sexual intimacy between spouses leads them to distance themselves from each other. Over time, this affects mutual understanding, which leads to quarrels, scandals, and ultimately to... Of course, it also happens that husbands deprive their wives of intimate attention. But often a married couple does not have sex for the reason that the wife does not want her husband and this can be seen from such signs as fatigue, excuses like “headache” or “I want to sleep.” Therefore, among men who do not get what they want from their spouse, the question of why the wife does not want sex with her husband remains relevant.

Why doesn't a wife want intimacy with her husband?

There can be many reasons why a wife does not want her husband and they are all individual. A woman's need for physical intimacy may arise due to fatigue and lack of sleep. When she comes home after a hard day at work and, instead of resting, stands at the stove and sink, she wants to quickly get into bed just to rest. In this case, it is necessary to ask the husband to also help with household chores so that both partners have the strength and desire for the intimate part of the relationship.

Sometimes a wife does not want to sleep with her husband for the reason that he offended her in some way, said something wrong or did not do something. This can be either a serious quarrel or something as simple as not taking out the trash or not fulfilling some other request. Thus, she begins to take revenge on her husband as punishment by withholding sex. But in order to maintain harmony in the family, you should not mix intimate problems with some kind of everyday problems. Because the lack of sex will not solve them, but will only make everything worse. Psychologists believe that even after quarrels and scandals, a married couple should sleep together. Thus, sleeping on different beds is the first thing that most distances partners from each other and cools their love.

It often happens that a husband simply does not satisfy his wife in bed. Conducting surveys, experts claim that many women who want to experiment in sex do not talk about their own desires to their partner. Soon they refuse him altogether, demonstrating their reluctance and secretly being offended that he somehow magically did not think of offering it himself. However, such actions ultimately lead to nothing good.

For both partners to enjoy intimate relationships, it is simply necessary to talk and share your desires and preferences. In addition, you need to study your own body and learn to feel your partner. Then there will be harmony not only in bed, but in everything else.

Sexologists believe that if there are no serious health problems or medical contraindications, then a married couple should not deprive themselves of pleasure from the intimate side of their marriage. Therefore, it is necessary to add variety to your sex life and not be afraid to experiment. After all, sexual intercourse between spouses is an important component of a family union, which expresses warmth, affection and love for each other.

). What means: " due favor"? The wife has no power over her body, but there is slave and mistress together husband

If you shirk your due service, then you insult God; if you want to evade, then only with the permission of your husband, even if it’s for a short time. That is why he calls this matter due, to show that none (of the spouses) has power over themselves, but are slaves to each other. So, when you see that a harlot is tempting you, you say: my body does not belong to me, but to the wife. Let the wife say the same to those who try to violate her chastity: my body does not belong to me, but to my husband. If neither the husband nor the wife has power over their body, then much less over their property. Listen, you who have husbands and you who have wives: if you should not consider your bodies to be yours, much less your property. True, in some places of both the Old and New Testaments great advantage is given to the husband; this is what it says: “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”(Gen.3:16); and Paul in one letter makes this distinction (between spouses): “husbands, love your wives... and let the wife fear her husband”(Eph.5:25,33); but here (attributed to both) equal power, no more, no less. Why? Because he is talking about chastity. In other respects, he says, let the husband have the advantage, but in chastity - no, neither “The husband has no control over his body”, nor the wife (1 Cor. 7:4). Great equality of honor and no advantage.

“Do not deviate from each other except by consent”(1 Cor. 7:5) . What does it mean? The wife should not, he says, abstain against your will husband, and husband (should not abstain) against your will wives. Why? Because from such abstinence comes great evil; This often resulted in adultery, fornication and domestic disorder. After all, if others, having their own wives, indulge in adultery, then much more (will they indulge in it) when they are deprived of this consolation. Well said: do not deprive yourself; what I called here deprivation, I called above duty, to show how great their mutual dependence is: to abstain to one against the will of the other means to deprive, but by will - not. Thus, if you take something from me with my consent, it will not be a deprivation for me; he who takes against his will and by force deprives. Many wives do this, committing great sin against justice and thus giving husbands a reason for debauchery and leading everything into disorder. Unanimity should be preferred to everything; it is most important. If you want, we can prove it with experience. Let there be a wife and a husband, and let the wife abstain, while the husband does not want it. What will happen? Will he not then indulge in adultery, or, if he does not commit adultery, will he not grieve, worry, get angry, quarrel and cause his wife a lot of trouble? What is the use of fasting and abstinence when love is violated? No. How much grief will inevitably arise from this, how much trouble, how much discord!

If a husband and wife do not agree with each other in the house, then their house is no better than a ship tossed by waves, on which the helmsman does not agree with the helmsman. That is why (the apostle) says : “Do not deviate from each other, except by agreement, for a time, to exercise in fasting and prayer.” Here he means prayer performed with special care, because if he forbade those who copulate to pray, then where would the time for unceasing prayer come from? Hence, Can and with his wife to copulate and pray; but with abstinence, prayer is more perfect. He didn’t just say: pray, but: abide, because the (marriage) matter only distracts from this, but does not cause defilement. “And then be together again, so that Satan does not tempt you.” So that you do not think that this is a law, it also adds a reason. Which one? “So that Satan does not tempt you.” And so that you know that it is not the devil who is the only perpetrator of adultery, he adds: "by your intemperance."

In view of the fact that many abstain and have pure and chaste wives, they also abstain beyond due, so that abstinence becomes a reason for adultery, in view of this he (Apostle Paul - Editor of Pravblog) says: let everyone use his wife. And he is not ashamed, but enters and sits on the bed day and night, embraces husband and wife, and unites them to each other, and calls out loudly : “Do not deviate from each other except by consent”(1 Cor. 7:5). Do you observe abstinence and do not want to sleep with your husband, and he does not take advantage of you? Then he leaves home and sins, and in the end his sin is caused by your abstinence. Let him sleep with you better than with a harlot. Cohabitation with you is not prohibited, but cohabitation with a harlot is prohibited. If he sleeps with you, there is no guilt; if with a harlot, then you have destroyed your own body. So, [the apostle] sits down almost on the wedding bed and cries out: “Do not deviate from each other except by consent.” That's why you [wife] have a husband, and that's why you [husband] have a wife, to maintain chastity. Do you want to have abstinence? Convince your husband of this, so that there are two crowns - chastity and harmony, but so that there is no chastity and battle, so that there is no peace and war. After all, if you abstain, and your husband is inflamed with passion, and yet adultery is forbidden by the apostle, then he must endure storm and excitement. But “Do not deviate from each other except by consent”. And, of course, where there is peace, there are all blessings; where there is peace, there chastity shines; where there is agreement, there abstinence is crowned; and where there is war, chastity is undermined. But do not deviate from each other except by consent. Every steward of marriage is surpassed by Paul, the steward of the universe. Therefore he is not ashamed to say: “Let everyone’s marriage be honest and the bed undefiled”(Heb. 13:4). After all, its Lord Himself came to the wedding, giving honor to the marriage with His presence, and even brought gifts, turning water into wine. So, strive [in abstinence] as much as you want; But when you become weak, take advantage of [marriage] fellowship, so that Satan does not tempt you. Here are three ways of life: virginity, marriage, fornication. Marriage is in the middle, fornication is below, virginity is above.

Virginity is crowned, marriage is commended in proportion, fornication is condemned and punished. So, keep it in moderation in your abstinence, depending on how much you can curb the weakness of your flesh. Do not strive to exceed this measure, lest you fall below any measure. Just as someone who wants to dive goes as far into the water as he can go, but when he enters, he looks at how far he will have to return, so be chaste as much as you can bear, so as not to fall beyond measure.

Sources: St. John Chrysostom.