The meaning of love. Reasons for the inability to love. About service in relationships and life. Inability to love
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In the life of every person there is a need for love and close relationships. But sometimes we are able to make a problem out of this, or rather, our inability to wisely look at this aspect in our life leads to sad consequences.
Very often women ask me questions about this, for example: “Why don’t I feel anything? I want a relationship, but it doesn't work out, or at first everything is fine, and then everything goes downhill. Why? Why did I become very often and a lot offended by my partner, although I don’t want this at all? Why doesn't my independence bring me happiness? And there are a lot of such questions.
Today I would like to consider a number of reasons why a person loses his ability to truly love and receive pleasure from it.
First, I would like to draw your attention to the fact that everything external reflects ourselves. And if something doesn’t suit us, we need to look inside ourselves and observe. Also always remember that externals will never be enough without internal filling, and you will constantly try to fill this void.
Therefore, we deal with the internal reasons for the inability to love, which do not allow us to build harmonious relationships.
Reasons that affect the ability to love:
1)Repressing painful experiences
We all accumulate various experiences in relationships with people throughout our lives. And sometimes close people (partners or friends) upset us or betray us. We are experiencing severe mental pain over this. And after that we begin to be afraid of this pain, and make an unconscious decision to avoid any close relationships, so as not to experience these terrible feelings again. And accordingly, we stop feeling.
2) Mental crisis.
Such a crisis stems from the fact that, on the one hand, a person initially refuses his feelings (trying not to experience them), and on the other hand, he really misses it. He expects others to show their feelings and care for themselves, but accordingly he does not receive this, because he himself has built a wall inside that does not allow him to fully enjoy the relationship. Such people very often complain that “nobody understands them,” “nobody likes them,” “nobody wants to be friends with me,” or “all people think only about themselves, and no one needs me.”
Or else such people create a lot of different connections and friends for themselves in order to fill this void with at least something. They are very afraid to admit their loneliness. 
3) Unconscious aggression
When there is disappointment and loneliness inside a person, it brings him pain, and as a result of this, unconscious aggression towards people who want to build close relationships with them may appear. He gets angry even at those people who understand this moment, because he begins to see this person as an “insensitive psychologist” who is only able to analyze and does not give him a bit of love.
4) Not self love
When we don’t love ourselves and don’t take into account our needs, don’t feel ourselves, and generally don’t listen to ourselves, then accordingly we cannot show these feelings to others.
When a person begins to pay more attention to others than to himself, then he tries to earn love for himself rather than sincerely loving another person. Mutual love be built initially on harmonious attitude to oneself and understanding oneself, and then, already filled with these feelings, can give them to another.
5)Secrecy and ostentatious friendliness.
Often people hide from themselves, and thereby from others, their inner emptiness with various signs of attention. They are very friendly and always pay attention in the form of congratulations, kind words, expensive gifts and so on. They seem to glorify others, thereby expecting a response in their direction. Most often they do not receive it, because we attract only what is inside us, and not outside.
What do you need to do to learn to love sincerely and mutually?
- you need to recognize your inner pain and accept it. You need it in order for you to move on and develop. There is no development without pain.
Talk to your pain as if it were your own best friend, find out the reasons. You will learn a lot about yourself, trust me. - Recognize that no one owes you anything. And it’s stupid to wait and demand this from another person.
- allow yourself to feel and observe your emotions and feelings.
- learn to love and open your heart. See with the eyes of love, touch with the hands of love, try to represent love in every action. At first it will be on the levels of imagination, then it will move into a deep and healthy expression of unconditional love.
In fact, we have the right to choose what happens to us. But the most important obstacle to change is the fear of seeing our real feelings. Once you step over this barrier, further internal work will bring you only joy and pleasure. Believe me, I tested it myself.
It’s so nice to realize how multifaceted the palette of your own feelings is. It expands and inspires deep diving.
Yes, and people will immediately notice how you have changed.
8. INABILITY TO LOVE
Few of us, if any, consider ourselves incapable of love. No matter how we behave, we believe that we act from the most just, honorable and loving motives. Not everyone shares this opinion of ourselves, but in this case we believe that we are underestimated and judged unfairly. But in others we easily recognize and condemn the inability to love. An unbiased look at the problem shows that unloving behavior is common to all of us to one degree or another. Of course, for some it manifests itself more strongly.
By defining love as merely affection, we inevitably develop many kinds of love. These varieties were listed in previous chapters. But for some, attachments are deeper and more directed towards people. Early life experience makes many insecure, alienated and capable of adult life only on superficial relationships. There are people (such as Freud's first patients) who have had such an unpleasant experience in love that they have lost all ability to fall in love again. And, of course, there are a lot of people who love things rather than people, and this attachment to status, wealth, achievements takes away energy that they could spend on people. The worst thing is that during the years of character formation, we all necessarily and often encounter manifestations of hostility and learn to experience feelings of unloving and behave without love.
At first glance, it may seem that the life of a baby is so innocent that it is free from the imperfections of love that haunt us later. After all, don't parents love their children? Of course, they love you and do a lot for them. Then where do these imperfections come from? How do they arise in childhood experience of love?
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Hello!
Well, please, don’t think that notation and so on, of course not, but about the simple and important.
Yes, you almost answered your own question.
You outlined your vision in life based on your age - this is a pattern and you noticed everything correctly - based on your age category.
Perhaps you need this, as an option of course. I'll just assume that.
From the text it is clear that you are pragmatic, very much so, and this will help you in life. You know, it’s not so scary that you don’t have anyone, but in general, the most important thing in all this is that you find approaches to your inner “I”. Simply, you must learn to understand yourself and be friends with yourself in your inner worldview, to be in harmony with yourself - not to isolate yourself “inside yourself”, from people as much as you like.
If it’s easier for you, but?! - it’s not difficult to treat, and sometimes it’s simple, how?
Life goes on, you get older. At each age threshold, your relationship to the world, and your beliefs, therefore, in life will certainly change - because you will prove to yourself that this is correct, in the process of the next age threshold.
And why am I doing this?
If you have brains and if you are not stupid, and therefore you are obviously an intelligent person and not at all stupid, then you will understand that when in your life “situations beneficial to you” will arise, and there will be many of these situations, and why You miss them, and you can only get these situations through - “a person who can make it happen,” or, “through a woman on whom one or another of your success or luck depends,” or, through “whom you need make you your friend" and then...
And you realized that, to improve the quality in your life, you will need to develop your feelings and learn to love... but, if you don’t want to, then your whole life will be like this... You just don’t care about anyone... , and those are all on you accordingly - and do you need such a life?!
“The rescue of a drowning man is the work of the drowning man himself” - a hackneyed askomin!
Simply put, you will have to learn and learn to feel, learn to love, be a friend, when you need it, when it is in your interests, and otherwise, you just need to survive in this world like all other people do, so It is in your interests to develop your inner best qualities that you have, and of course you have them.
After all, everyone is just as similar to you as you yourself wrote as you are to them. Best or worst life Yours depends on many factors and mainly on connections, contacts with by different people. And this is all in front of you and you have already understood that your quality of life, which will be in the future, is already beginning to depend on you, on your actions and deeds, on your own internal spiritual works - learning to love, learning to feel, and this is all in your interests, you are not stupid, you are an intelligent person, all that remains is the small matter, which is the main thing.
Good luck to you, my friend!
Hello.
Without love there is no life. If you live, you will certainly love.
Love begins with love for parents, and if it is blocked, then at the same level.
A block is like a pile of stones on a river (or you can imagine what is closer to you). That is, love does not disappear anywhere, it is born, it flows, but it is forced to look for other directions for its manifestations, although in the end it still ends up in the seas and oceans)) but along tedious and long paths.
That is, you still love someone or something, but you are not satisfied with these substitutions, because the main “road” and naturalness are not available to you now.
The block and the “blockage on the river” create resentment against parents. The very first, a basic level of- this is Mom, and everything connected with her. But most often, if there are problems, it’s with both parents.
These problems may be deep (already) and not fully realized, but you are young - therefore you can cope with them, you have enough strength for such work. It's not quick, but it can be solved.
Your “not giving a damn” can help you here, and here’s how: usually people who were initially endowed with it do not engage in self-denial, and this is very good in working on oneself. You don’t have to make excuses and defend yourself when you find your faults, and spend a lot of energy on it.
Just work through the mistakes, like in any study, and usually still need professional help for a while (or from time to time).
In general, you have to work))...
Online consultation Inability to love
Hello!
Without a long and detailed conversation on the topic:
-what do YOU call love?
--what does “just don’t care about anyone” mean in your practice? What emotions and actions is this reflected in?
Do you experience libido? In what situations?
--Have you had full sex?
--Do you masturbate? From what age and how often, if yes?
Do you know what tenderness is?
--do you remember the surges of tenderness that you experienced in
Childhood? To someone? To whom?
-Did the parents around you show signs of love and tenderness towards you? --
It is impossible to give you an answer to your questions.
If you still “don’t give a damn,” then you can answer on these pages.
Unfortunately/dear Administration!!! /, We now do not have Internal mail, but you can order your message under the heading “only for a psychologist”.
If it is difficult for you to answer ALL these questions, then you will have to contact a psychologist at your place of residence for personal meetings.
I hope you understand me: there can be many reasons for your behavior. And it is not necessarily a disease.
But only after finding out the reason, you can move on: get treatment, go to a psychologist, or simply wait out the puberty period, for example.
The main thing is not to put off searching for an answer to the question. Here you are doing the very right thing in being concerned about the problem.
I wish you success!
Best regards, Svetlana
? Lord, what do you see main reason breakdown of marriages in our society? How is it that people first loved each other and then stopped loving each other?
The main reason for divorces is that people generally don't know how to love. Or they don’t want to love themselves, but want to be loved. A lack of love from lack of faith in God, from ignorance of Him. Another important reason is that marriages are concluded too hastily. When getting married, people trust their changeable feelings, without actually striving for love. Already in marriage, they often feel that they are next to a stranger, this burdens them.
? To what extent is the increase in divorce rates a social phenomenon?
Of course, the general situation in the country is aggravating the breakdown of families. Our society is very unstable, there are few traditions and foundations. And marriage is no longer some kind of immutable norm; there is no concept that one should strive to live with one’s betrothed despite all the difficulties.
? But today, divorces have become a common occurrence among Orthodox people, for whom marriage seems to be an unconditional value...
From my experience in priestly service, I can say that modern Orthodox people (in their general mass) are not very different from non-Orthodox people. When they separate, they, like non-believers, explain their action by the dissimilarity of characters or by the fact that “the love is gone.” This happens because of the people who call themselves Orthodox, only a few live a church life: they confess, take communion, and try to fulfill the commandments.
? How then can we explain the divorces among those who go to church and regularly confess and receive communion?
Churching itself does not give anything. In the history of the Church there have been many people who reached certain heights of spiritual life, but then became apostates. Sin knows no boundaries. Even among the apostles there was Judas.
You can't leave, you can't stay
? What is the legal basis for divorce from the Church's point of view?
You need to understand that church tradition excludes concept of divorce. In principle, there is no “church divorce”. It’s just that in some cases, when a marriage breaks down due to the fault of one of the parties, the other party, the victim, can receive a blessing to remarry. From the point of view of the Church, there is only one traditional basis for a marriage to be declared broken - adultery. Local cathedral 1917–18 clarified that there may be additional grounds, such as the long unknown absence of one of the spouses, an attempt by one of the spouses on the life of the other spouse and children, refusal of marital communication, syphilis, mental illness that was hidden or unknown at the time of marriage. Alcoholism and drug addiction are also indicated in the Fundamentals of the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church today. But still, the main thing is treason.
? Do you think it is possible to forgive betrayal and continue to live in marriage?
Personally, I can't imagine how this is possible. But I know many women who forgave infidelity and thereby saved their marriage. In general, a lot can be forgiven. Very often, having grounds for divorce, the spouse (usually a woman) still strives to save the family, for example, for the sake of children.
? What if a husband, for example, has been drinking for years without showing the slightest desire to recover from alcoholism? What is the point for a woman, if there are no children or they have already grown up, to stay with such a husband?
Of course, if we “put God out of the picture,” then there is no point in this. In a world where people do not recognize God, there are rules and standards according to which living with such a husband is absurd. And in fact, it is better for such a woman to quit this drunkard and try to arrange own life better. Find another husband or ensure a healthier and calmer old age... But I know women who do not leave such husbands and see the meaning of their lives in this. For example, each of them knows for sure that this man will simply die without her. Or he will die a quicker and more severe death. Whether he lives or not directly depends on her. From the point of view of faith, I personally can justify these women.
Hold on the edge
? What is the role of a priest in preventing divorce? How actively should he intervene in the conflict between spouses?
The role of the priest can be key. If a person comes to a priest, being on the verge of divorce, the pastor is simply obliged to be attentive to him. He is obliged to inform the person about the canons that apply to his situation. Another thing is that the confessor should not impose his opinion and insist that people obey him. He can only give modest advice if he is sure of something. But he cannot demand anything from those people who came to him for advice. The great perspicacious elder Father Pavel Troitsky never ordered anything to people, but simply said: “It is the will of God to do so and so, but you do as you want.”
If the priest is the confessor of this couple, that is, the person to whom they constantly confess, then in principle there can be no boundaries for him. There are no things that cannot be said to your confessor in confession. I am skeptical about the participation of a psychologist. In general, I am alarmed by the desire to “wedge” psychologists into all areas modern life. Today, no matter what happens, psychological consultation is offered to everyone: military personnel, pilots, rescuers. Even when applying for a job, people are offered to undergo such consultation. Certainly, good psychologist can help to understand the cause of a particular problem, can suggest ways to solve it, but turning to God, confession, and communion will help incomparably more. A an attempt to replace faith with psychology is a very dangerous trend.
? Is it true that spouses crisis situation Is it better to confess to the same confessor?
Certainly. There may be various exceptions, but general rule that's how it is. I know of cases where confession from different confessors only aggravated the discord in the family, since one priest advised one thing, another advised another, and none of them had a “complete picture” of what was happening.
? How to avoid divorce in the absence of a confessor? After all, not every family manages to find such a priest in time...
Previously, when I was a young priest, I advised all parishioners to definitely have a confessor. Now, having some experience and having traveled around Russia, I no longer give such strict advice. Indeed, finding a confessor is extremely difficult. But any humble, sincerely believing priest can be truly indispensable for people on the verge of divorce. After all, it is not necessary to be an old man and have the gift of foresight. You just need to be attentive to the person who comes to you, and spare no time to listen to him. And if the priest has been in the Church for a long time and himself has a confessor (alas, today not all priests have confessors), then he can be very a good helper family in crisis.
? It turns out that without the help of a priest, an impending divorce cannot be prevented, and the family will certainly fall apart?
Still, you can’t think like that. If a person has a living faith in God, if he knows the Gospel commandments, knows that the destruction of a family is a sin, if he is ready to sacrifice his interests for the sake of another, if he understands that humility is an introduction to the joy of the Kingdom of Heaven, then everything is possible. For those who want to save their marriage, it is enough to remember the advice of the Apostle Paul: “Bear one another’s burdens, and in this way fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2).
A person cannot be corrected by a course of lectures
? Today in the Church the topic of pre-marital edification for couples preparing for wedding is widely discussed. In some churches, a conversation with the priest is required before the wedding. In some parishes there are even “marriage preparation courses.” Do you think this is relevant?
It is very good that such things appear in some parishes. I myself am thinking about taking up this issue in our Smolensk diocese. In Smolensk, for example, there has long been a tradition that after state registration the newlyweds go to the cathedral. Not for a wedding, but to kiss miraculous icon Mother of God. Maybe take a photo near the temple. I had a thought: I can somehow work with these people! Talk about the possibility of a wedding in an unobtrusive manner. Give some gifts, maybe free coupons give it away for a wedding or something like that. Another thing is that I would not overestimate the effect of working with newlyweds or premarital consultations. Still, no conversation with a priest, or even a course of lectures, will change a person. By the time of marriage, he is, as a rule, already formed, and his attitude to life is difficult to correct. To really reduce divorces, I see only one way.
Which?
It is necessary to carefully search for priests in all dioceses who are capable of working with children. Give them all sorts of preferences, support them as much as possible. Agree with local education departments so that such priests are allowed into schools on a permanent basis. And then, if from the age of seven children are “led” by such a priest, then perhaps, as adults, they will have Christian ideas about life and will begin to take marriage more seriously.
To the bishop's court
? How in practice does a modern bishop make a decision regarding a specific divorced couple, which one ex-spouses give the opportunity for a second marriage, and who shouldn’t? What are the rules here?
In practice, things are not quite right for us now. We can say that the traditional system of marriage in the Church today does not work at all. Therefore, distortions occur in terms of blessings for a second marriage. Already in the 19th and early 20th centuries, people were getting married who nominally considered themselves Orthodox, but who had actually already left the Church. And the Church was not able to cope with the problem then, because it was very difficult to understand each specific situation. Our current troubles are a continuation of the pre-revolutionary ones. After all, the bishop who receives a request for a blessing for a remarriage does not know the circumstances of the first marriage and the future life of the family and does not have the opportunity to check them. Therefore, he is forced, with rare exceptions, to grant the request automatically. Current practice boils down to the fact that the Church simply recognizes the fact of the destruction of the marriage in accordance with the statements of the spouses, but does not determine which of them is to blame for the breakdown of the family. Entering into a new marriage is blessed by default for both.
? What are the prospects for a return to the traditional state of affairs? And as in current conditions When a marriage breaks down, can the “injured” party be identified?
This situation needs to be gradually changed. The Church does not always have to give a blessing for remarriage. I think that if one of those divorcing has a confessor, it would be reasonable for the bishop to ask his opinion. Of course, the bishop, due to his busy schedule, hardly has the opportunity to delve into all intra-family affairs. But due to the fact that today the number of dioceses in our country is increasing, and the dioceses themselves are becoming smaller, perhaps the contacts of the bishop with his confessors will become closer.
"The Lesser Evil"
? What is the meaning of remarriage, from the point of view of the Church? After all, the second marriage marks the final destruction of the first?
A second marriage is a manifestation of church oikonomia, that is, leniency towards a person’s weakness. It is blessed by the Church for the sole purpose of keeping a person from living in sin. According to the principle of “lesser evil”. But it is important not to forget that a second marriage is a deviation from the gospel principles. The Lord says, “Whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Matthew 5:32). So a second marriage is always a violation of gospel purity. For example, priests cannot enter into a second marriage in principle.
? What awaits the laity entering into a second marriage?
Their sin can be forgiven, but according to the canons, penance must be imposed on Christians entering into a second and third marriage. They must be absent from communion for a certain time. Today, in practice, this rule is not observed.
? When is a second marriage really necessary?
A second marriage is allowed by the Church when it is obvious that a given person cannot be alone. In particular, to protect him from prodigal cohabitation. Before the revolution in Russia, widowers were usually blessed to marry. From the life of the Blessed Xenia it is known that the saint once said to one girl: “Go to the cemetery, there your husband is burying his wife.” She obeyed, went and then married this widower.
? What do you focus on as a confessor when you advise someone to remarry or remain alone?
Each situation is strictly individual. The main thing is that a person, when resolving such issues, first of all seeks the will of God. And the will of God is not a set of strictly defined laws and rules. It can open in completely different ways. And you need to consult with your confessor precisely in the sense of trying to understand the will of God regarding yourself. Practical aspects there is not much here, the main one is children. Personally, I advised one of my parishioners, whose wife had died and was left with several small children, to look for a second wife. I am a widower myself, I raised four children alone and I know how difficult it is.
? Is it true that you cannot be truly happy in your second marriage?
Yes, second marriages are not always happy. I know girls who married widowers and were unable to establish relationships with their stepsons and stepdaughters, to accept them as their own. In life, in general, everything is rarely perfect and simple. But there are other examples - happy spouses in a second marriage.
Nothing is needed besides Him
? Today, all kinds of “psychotherapists” and healers offer divorced spouses the so-called “debunking” procedure. Allegedly, at the moment of the Sacrament of Wedding, the people’s psyche is “encoded” for unconditional loyalty to their spouse, and in order to be happy in a second marriage, one must undergo “religious decoding”...
The popularity of such services is due to the fact that our people mostly remain pagans by faith. They feel “something” that happened to them during the wedding, but due to ignorance they cannot correctly classify it. That's why they turn to sorcerers and charlatans. The Sacrament of Marriage, of course, communicates the grace of God to people, and it is impossible not to feel this. I personally clearly remember the day when my wife and I got married, and it was not the day of civil registration, because we entered into a civil marriage while we were still unbelievers. And I remember what an inexplicably bright feeling I had the next day in the morning. Some extraordinary joy and happiness. There is no magic in this, but, of course, people cannot forget about such a feeling, it is completely natural.
? You, of course, have talked a lot with people whose spouses cheated on them and abandoned them. What is the most difficult thing in their experiences, from the point of view of spiritual life?
A person who has experienced a divorce is a person who has experienced the worst betrayal. This is a man who finds himself face to face with Judas.
? What advice do you have for those who have experienced betrayal in marriage? What forms of church support are there for divorce survivors? Are there any special meetings or conversations needed for such people?
The only thing I advise such people is Christ. Only Christ. Nothing is needed besides Him. Conversations and communication alone will not help. A person who has been betrayed simply needs to turn to God in the way he knows how. Get along with God live connection. In fact, Christ, if accepted with all your heart, can replace everything for a person: husband, wife, child, friend, health, and material well-being. You can have nothing, but have Christ in your heart and be absolutely happy.