I'm getting divorced for the second time. How to behave to survive a divorce. You can file for divorce an unlimited number of times

Not every man can accept that his status in the family is lower than he thought. He understands that sooner or later he may be abandoned and years will be lost...
You have everything. Now you need simple human love, or rather, sex that smoothly turns into love. If you know a decent, decent man who is interested in you, then your problem is almost solved. If sex works, then love will come. Then give birth to a second or third child. I have the same situation, and also, don’t shout on the street... Therefore, the first thing that comes to mind: I’m coming to you. But you are far away - all the way to Kyiv! And then, no matter how you fall in love in absentia, the visual image, as they say, is important. On the other hand, it is more important to know a person’s mentality, since a monster may be hiding behind a pleasant appearance.
I would risk having sex with a woman I understand, solving a double-edged problem, and it seems to me that the hormones of both sexual partners should have their say, and love should come, passing on to a normal family and children.
Probably, sex, as the most accessible and reliable argument, should be used immediately as soon as you meet a person with plans for family life that you understand and accept. When a family breaks up. the most common problem is a lack of love, an unexpected loss of habitual sex, without which a person cannot feel happy.
I'm not talking about hardened, experienced bachelors. For a person who lived righteously, the breakdown of a family is an incomparable grief, aggravated by the destruction of purposeful ideas about sex as the one and only love.
Therefore, at the “Incomplete Family” conferences there should be not only psychologists. but also sexologists, as well as a certain “sexual ambulance club”, where women and men who had lost sex along with the loss of their spouse could, as they say, console each other. It seems to me that if at the same time they are already familiar with the views and ideas about the life of new sexual partners, then it may happen that new and strong families will be created. Indeed, you cannot shout on the street: “I want love!”, I also cannot bring myself to “take off” someone. It turns out that the lack of a special, serious “sex club for a single-parent family” for you and me, pushes us onto the street, and all our moral principles of a strong family life can be destroyed. Having gone to all the trouble, we may find ourselves incapable of great family affairs in the future... It seems to me that in psychologically and sexologically advanced countries such problems have long been resolved. Moreover, now there are various virtual sex clubs, which, as I see, many people use, although I don’t understand it yet.
07/29/2004 08:53:04, Vitaly

How to survive a divorce from your husband

Good day, dear reader. Are you really at the stage of making one of the important decisions in your life, or maybe you have already made it? Have you wondered how to survive a divorce from your husband? This article will help you gain not only confidence in the future, but also find the strength to overcome all the suffering that has befallen you. We will tell you what stages women experience after divorce. We'll show you how to respond correctly to each of them. You will learn what you absolutely cannot do and how to avoid the typical mistakes of most divorced girls. In the article you can also find advice from psychologists on this topic. Take a breath and come out, and then relax a little and start enjoying interesting material.

In every person's life there are problems that are extremely difficult to cope with, but loss is considered the most difficult experience. The death of loved ones is at the highest level, but divorce from a husband is a little lower and, by the way, it is even higher than unexpected dismissal from work. Every woman, after the destruction of her family, wonders how to survive a divorce from her husband. In our article you can find not only the answer to this question, but also make sure that life does not end there.

First, let us warn you that psychologists distinguish five stages that a person experiences during loss. All these stages should be lived through and there is no need to try to show yourself as strong (for show, like I’m so invulnerable) and jump over these stages. The time needed to overcome each stage will be needed differently, because it all depends on the duration of the marriage and the relationship during the marriage. The main rule is to take care of yourself and start spending more time on yourself (), and not think about how things are going with your husband. Well, let’s begin to consider all the stages that a woman will have to go through after a divorce.

Feeling of shock and complete denial of the current situation

This is the very first stage and probably one of the most difficult, because when a person is in a state of shock, he is unable to think sensibly. Emotions at this moment are difficult to control and everything can be aggravated to dire consequences. After the peak of the state of shock passes and the woman calms down, then denial begins. Everything around seems unreal, and the future does not exist at all. Those around her will try to reason with the girl, but all her arguments are sheer nonsense. The moment of inadequacy is simply overwhelming.

Attacks of anger and resentment

The second stage is no less serious and everyone will have to go through it, because controlling your anger is not so easy. Spontaneous attacks of anger develop into unquenchable anger at the ex-spouse. All the worst moments come to mind, and self-deprecation begins. It’s as if the woman opens her eyes to the man’s past actions, which seemed ordinary to her. () She begins to suffer not only from memories, but also from lost time with a good-for-nothing young man. Feelings of resentment can lead to serious depression as well as self-blame.

It is not strange that this stage is a continuation of the previous one, because when the anger and resentment towards the ex-husband ends, it is time to look for problems in oneself. The equator of all stages is the most dangerous and it can become a return to the first stage. It’s simple, because the girl begins to endlessly look for flaws in herself and tries to hammer into her head that she did the wrong thing. The danger lies not in thoughts, but in actions, and a woman will definitely want to correct far-fetched mistakes. This desire to meet and explain, to call and talk, and this can end in tears.

Gray days have come, and depression has creeped in unnoticed.

As you understand, after all these stages comes the realization that the past cannot be returned and this makes you very worried. The former family remains only in memory, but the loving husband has long been living his own life. It is painful to realize this, but it is necessary, because every divorced woman needs to experience this. Depression affects everyone differently and you need to focus on this. This state can reach the boiling point, and the help of relatives or friends will be useless. (you need to contact specialists) At the initial stages, relatives and friends are a good panacea.

Long-awaited and adequate acceptance of reality

Having gone through all the stages, you will reach a healing acceptance of reality. This feeling is indescribable and it can work wonders. All feelings come into order, and thoughts become healthy and sober. A person begins to understand that what happened is not a mistake, but a vital necessity for creating a successful future. After this moment arrives, the woman will feel as if she has breathed in a breath of fresh air, and past problems have simply disappeared. The path to a new and happy life is open.

Having considered all the stages that a divorced woman will have to go through, we focused only on the question of an initial nature. Perhaps, after reading about the stages, the reader will understand what awaits her ahead and this will help her survive the divorce from her husband. The main question still remains, and we will try to list a list of tips and recommendations that will help you understand how to survive a divorce from your husband. The tips may not seem new to you, but they are really effective. We should also talk about the typical mistakes that the fair half of humanity makes during a difficult period. The most basic and critical mistakes and even stupid things should not be made, because they will only make life worse.

Let's start with the most interesting and useful, namely tips on how to survive a divorce from your husband and remain happy. These recommendations can be classified as self-improvement and finding inner peace and harmony. Every girl can try to implement the advice, and we are sure that this will only be beneficial. We strongly recommend that a woman who has gone through a divorce listen to the following:

• Changing your image will contribute not only to external changes, but also internal ones. In a beauty salon you can get a new hairstyle, choose more attractive makeup, and in any boutique you should update your wardrobe. All these actions will not only improve your mood and vigor, but also raise your self-esteem;
• For those who do not have the opportunity to switch to children or household chores, you should get yourself a cat or dog, or maybe a cheerful parrot or a nimble ferret. This will help you concentrate your attention on something useful and not think about divorce. Perhaps with the help of a new pet you will have the opportunity to make new acquaintances and make friends;
• No one has ever canceled sports, because it is not only health and relaxation, but also a long-awaited opportunity to take time for yourself. You can do anything from running in the morning, to swimming in the pool or going to the fitness club in the evening. Believe me, this is a truly pleasant pastime. A new activity is a way to expand your circle of acquaintances;
• Perhaps it's time to do some traveling alone or with friends. New countries and cities mean fresh emotions, as well as the discovery of something new for yourself. You can visit ancient cities and museums, or you can simply go to a resort and relax to the fullest;
• A mandatory procedure that every girl must do is getting rid of unnecessary and old things. Particular attention should be paid to those things that obsessively remind you of your ex-spouse. If you can’t do the burning of old bridges yourself, then ask your faithful girlfriend. This action will help you once again realize that a new life has come, and after the old one only ashes remain;
• Are you bored with the old design in your apartment, and have you wanted to change the colorful wallpaper for a long time? It's time for changes in the house where you live. Change your usual environment, which will remind you of the unfavorable days spent with your ex-husband. Make a major or cosmetic renovation that you have dreamed of for so long, because you can now afford it. The main thing is that no one will impose their opinion and point out what they don’t like about the design;
• An important point will be financial independence, because now you are obliged to provide for yourself. To do this, you need to understand how profitable your job is and whether you like it. It may not be a bad idea to find a high-paying job that you’ve been wanting to triple for for a long time. Think about your career and make all your dreams come true.

As you can see, following all the tips will help stop the chaos in life and take you to a new stage of development. It’s not all that easy to accomplish, but this is another chance to prove to yourself that you are capable of more and deserve the best. Over time, thoughts about how to survive a divorce from your husband will completely disappear. This is understandable, because a completely different life will begin, which will fill the heart and soul with long-awaited happiness.

Now we have reached the interesting section of our article and we will tell you that here you should show unprecedented diligence in order to read to the end. Not every girl will be pleased to learn about the mistakes that will be presented here. An emotional explosion after a divorce forces you to plunge into oblivion and this is fraught with dire consequences. If you break even one rule, consider that you will not be able to survive the divorce from your husband. Every wrong action will set off a chain of events such that Santa Barbara will rest on the sidelines. You may have already done some of them, but that doesn't mean there's no way back. In this case, the main thing will not be how to survive the divorce from your husband, but how not to aggravate the current situation.

1. Give up the idea of ​​returning everything. Surely there were pleasant moments in family life, but if divorce became a deliberate decision, then the way back is closed. The exception is making a decision spontaneously and rashly, but that’s a different story. There is no need to try to find an approach to your ex-husband and reason with him, all this is in vain. The main thing is to get out of this situation with dignity and never humiliate yourself.
2. At first, an emptiness forms inside, which you want to fill with new feelings. All this is just an illusion and stupidity, because the search for a new partner will only end in disappointment and new pain for two. No one has canceled flirting and entertainment, but you need to forget about serious relationships for a while. First, you need to completely deal with the past and forget it, and only then build a new life.
3. An attempt to hide behind the mask of a confident and cheerful woman. The emotions that will overwhelm you need to be accepted properly. If you want to cry, scream or break something, do so and don’t keep it to yourself. It's normal to have bouts of fear for the future. Don't forget that you are an ordinary person inside and this is typical for you.
4. Never make adult problems part of your children's lives. You should not say offensive words to your husband in front of your child, because this is the father of the baby, who for him is the standard of a man. Manipulating children is the most disgusting thing that can happen to yourself, your child and your spouse. There is only one conclusion and this is a ban on dragging children into squabbles and misunderstandings between parents.
5. Forbid yourself to believe in the illusion of a past life. You need to understand that if you get to the point of divorce, something has gone wrong. To think that the spouse was so attentive and kind and that this can return is a complete illusion. You are adults who have made important choices in life and now have to come to terms with them. Bringing back the past would be a fool's errand. Spend your energy and emotions on creating a better future based on the mistakes of the past.
6. Sleep is disrupted due to nervousness and excessive stress. At night there are intrusive thoughts and a flow of information that is difficult to control. 90% of those suffering from this start taking antidepressants and sleeping pills and this can result in serious problems. It is better to consult with your doctor about gentler medications, and also spend more time in the fresh air and in the company of your best friends.
7. Divorce can cause unimaginable pain, disappointment, and a whole host of problems, but resorting to alcohol is strictly prohibited. A momentary weakness to the green snake can aggravate not only the problem that has arisen, but also jeopardize your entire life. The euphoria that drinking gives you is fleeting and will never help you think sensibly or make your dreams come true. We wrote above that you can start raising children, find a suitable hobby, start caring for a pet, or plunge into sports. There are many options and you should simply choose one of them.

Conclusions on how to survive a divorce from your husband

Everything written above should help every woman who finds herself in a difficult situation. We talked about the stages that you will need to go through, and also gave recommendations and advice on how to survive a divorce from your husband. We discussed all sorts of mistakes during times of stress and emotional instability. If you collect the acquired knowledge in your head and analyze it wisely, you can understand that divorce is not the end of life. Marriages are not always happy and this needs to be understood. To create a healthy and strong family, you need to go through many tests. () Not everyone is always ready to sacrifice or compromise, or maybe they are simply not ready to create a social unit. There are many reasons, and we will talk about them another time.

We wish you to find what you want in your life and never wonder how to survive a divorce from your husband. Develop family relationships, learn something new, listen to the advice of the old generation and take an example from couples who have lived together for more than fifty years. In family life, try to avoid talking about divorce, and spend more time strengthening your bonds. If readers have any additions or recommendations of their own, you can always leave them in the comments below. Share your life experience, and maybe it will save someone's family.

It starts just for show, to influence the other side and achieve certain goals. For example, change the behavior of the spouse, obtain material benefits, or create the appearance of a divorce for third parties.

The question may also arise when family life has fallen apart after reconciliation has taken place during the consideration of a court case. That is, a claim was filed and the stated claims were abandoned, and the case was closed.

You can only file for divorce once!

This answer can often be heard from lawyers and even judges who do not have good experience in family disputes and have little understanding of the essence of procedural restrictions.

Let us examine the arguments given for this. This is that the court is obliged to return the claim if a similar claim was previously filed, that is, having the same subject and basis, but the plaintiff declared a waiver of the claims.

Yes, indeed, Article 134 of the Civil Procedure Code of the Russian Federation contains articles indicating the following restrictions:

Article 134. Refusal to accept a statement of claim
1. The judge refuses to accept the statement of claim if:
2) there is […] a court ruling to terminate the proceedings in connection with the acceptance of the plaintiff’s refusal of the claim or the approval of a settlement agreement between the parties

Article 173. Refusal of the claim by the plaintiff, recognition of the claim by the defendant and settlement agreement between the parties
1. The plaintiff’s statement of abandonment of the claim, the recognition of the claim by the defendant and the terms of the settlement agreement between the parties are entered into the minutes of the court session and signed by the plaintiff, the defendant or both parties. If the refusal of the claim, recognition of the claim or a settlement agreement of the parties is expressed in written statements addressed to the court, these statements are attached to the case, as indicated in the minutes of the court session.
2. The court explains to the plaintiff, defendant or parties the consequences of abandoning the claim, recognizing the claim or concluding a settlement agreement between the parties.
3. If the plaintiff abandons the claim and accepts it by the court or approves a settlement agreement between the parties, the court issues a ruling, which simultaneously terminates the proceedings. The court's ruling must indicate the terms of the settlement agreement between the parties approved by the court.
4. If the court does not accept the plaintiff’s refusal of the claim, the defendant recognizes the claim, or does not approve the amicable agreement of the parties, the court makes a ruling on this and continues to consider the case on the merits.

As we see, the court, when accepting the refusal of the claim, must specifically draw the attention of those divorcing to the fact that a repeated claim for divorce cannot be raised. Often, judges, taking this provision literally, unwittingly contribute to ensuring that the process is ultimately completed with a decision on divorce.
On the Internet you can find a proposal for such a way out of the situation: get a divorce, and then get married again, because later (if it comes to that) another, newly concluded marriage will be dissolved.

You can file for divorce an unlimited number of times

The given answer is the correct one. And it is still based on the same Article 134.

In order to correctly understand the application of the law, you need to turn to the concepts of a claim and its components - subject and basis.

The subject of the claim is the plaintiff's claims stated in a procedural document called a statement of claim. That is, what the plaintiff asks the court to do. The subject of the claim is formed in the so-called pleading part of the claim and follows after the words “in connection with the above, I ask the court.” A divorce claim is usually accompanied by a demand such as “to dissolve the marriage concluded between me and the defendant on [date] in the registry office [name of the registry office and registration number].”
The basis for the claim is the circumstances that served as the basis for filing the claim. These are, in fact, the breakdown of family life due to betrayal, different views on life, family violence, etc.

Next you need to consider the following. It is unlikely that anyone will argue with the fact that family life is ongoing, that is, it is not reducible to some vicious circle of circumstances, because something new happens every day. Someone used to just have quarrels, but today he found out about the betrayal of his husband or wife. Previously, the husband was aggressive, and more recently, drinking, drugs, and gambling addiction have added to this...

You probably already understand what we are talking about: the subject of the new claim will be the same, but the grounds will be different. Therefore, a repeated claim will be fundamentally different. Accordingly, the court must accept this claim, consider and make a decision on the merits.

Recommendations from Injusta lawyers. If, after reconciliation or abandonment of the claim, you file a claim for divorce again, it would be reasonable to avoid the excessive formality of the text of the claim such as “the discord occurred due to the dissimilarity of the characters of the parties.” Write in more detail about the motives for the claim, what the essence of the claims are, how the marital relationship developed. It should not be identical to what was previously stated and should not lead the judge to believe that the spouses themselves do not know what they want.

If the judge refuses to accept the statement of claim for the reasons stated above, demand that the refusal be given to you in writing and appeal it in the prescribed manner to a higher court.

Abuse of the right to withdraw and file a claim

It is not easy to prove that a husband or wife refuses and files a lawsuit again for the purpose of manipulation. This is also facilitated by the paucity of legal proceedings in divorce cases. But you can try to do this, and if successful, the claim will not be accepted.
However, there is a simpler way out of this situation - to file an independent claim for divorce, and, if necessary, with a counterclaim.

If at the trial the spouses decided not to divorce and filed an application to the court to abandon the claim, but after a certain time they still decide to finally break off the relationship and get a divorce, questions immediately arise - is it possible to file for divorce a second time or how many times can one file for divorce? Divorce in Russia in principle? Let's consider this problem.

Important! If you are dealing with your own case of repeated divorce, then you should remember that:

• Each case is unique and individual.
• Understanding the basics of the law is useful, but does not guarantee results.
• The possibility of a positive outcome depends on many factors.

Is it possible to file for divorce again if the spouse has abandoned the claim?

According to Art. 220 of the Code of Civil Procedure of the Russian Federation, the plaintiff’s refusal of the statement of claim and its acceptance by the judge constitutes the basis for termination of the proceedings in the relevant case. At the same time, the court’s ruling, according to which the proceedings in the case loses its validity, states that going to court again on a controversial issue between the same subjects on the same grounds and subjects is simply not permissible.

Note! The factual circumstances of the case are the grounds for the claim. Specific requirements are the subject.

The claim for termination of the marriage union again, as well as when applying to the judicial authority on subsequent occasions to the same spouse, must be characterized by:

• the same subject;
• the same subject composition and legal grounds (impossibility of living in marriage and preserving the family);
• but other factual grounds on which the plaintiff explains his application for divorce.

For example, reconciliation with the wife (husband) after abandoning the claim did not help save the family, and the defendant’s behavior did not change for the better. Moreover, during the time of reconciliation, the spouses could have children together, or they could mutually agree to terminate the marriage bond.

So, is it possible to re-file for divorce? Either spouse can file by changing the grounds of claim, i.e., the reason for the divorce. In addition, if there are no joint children under the age of eighteen, and both spouses agree to dissolve the marriage, the divorce is carried out by the registry office staff. They will need to contact this body with a joint statement.

Thus, the specifics of marriage and family relations are determined by the possibility of repeated (multiple) filing of a claim for termination of marriage, and the basis for a repeated claim for termination of marriage will be other circumstances that arose after the ruling (decision) was made and indicating that the divorce we won't pass.

In any case, there are many nuances in the divorce process that only a professional lawyer can explain.

And finally, an interesting infographic: the structure of divorces by age at marriage.

I am 30 years old, I have three children, now I am in my second marriage and for the second time I am in a state of divorce.
I am writing here because I know that there must be a reason for all this chaos, and I really want to put things in order, figure it out, understand and do at least something in my power to make it all end.
When I was 22, I got married for the first time, everything was done “right”, we met through mutual friends, we just talked and were friends for six months, I proposed in June, got married in October, had a wedding in church. I don't know what I did wrong. Yes, there were still too many illusions in my head, I didn’t read books or watch movies about the psychology of relationships, men and the meanness of life. In general, my parents raised me to be a “good” girl, I studied and worked from the age of 16. I thought that everything would be fine, I always wanted a family, a child. And the children were born, but after 2 years of marriage, after the birth of the second child, the relationship with my husband changed. Imperceptibly, gradually, new notes appeared, aggression, his indifference to me and to the family. Increasingly, he behaved irresponsibly towards the children and towards me. He just started taking care of himself and showing aggression towards us. This went on for a year, and then, one evening, he beat me, severely, in the presence of my son, and sent me out to live with my mother. There was no reason, that evening I suggested leaving our apartment for a while because the heating had been turned off and we had 2 small children. This angered him, he insisted that this was an unnecessary measure. This started a quarrel and ended in divorce. I filed for divorce a month later because I saw that my husband was inadequate and continued to remain in a state of aggression. He was against the divorce and at the trial denied his guilt and demanded that the judge not interfere with his family.

The second marriage, as I now see, was too hasty.
I was in a state of severe emotional exhaustion after several years of a difficult and abusive marriage. Then a man 16 years older than me was nearby, he sympathized, helped sincerely, without self-interest.
I accepted help and at some point I realized that feelings were arising. And that seemed like a consolation. Again there was hope that everything could still be. The children are small, they will be able to accept a new person - I thought.
And I was wrong. Strong and painful. The feelings turned out to be mutual, he was also divorced. I did not insist that time pass and we got married six months after my divorce. A year passed, we had a son together. And, after this year, I experienced another shock when, before my eyes, the person changed again. Either this is so, or my perception and ability to understand people is so distorted. Like clockwork, exactly a year later, my husband began yelling at me and my older children, beating them and punishing them very severely, for example, for talking loudly; one day he attacked my mother with his fists, and the neighbors helped separate them.
I tried to talk to him when he was moving away from the state of aggression and anger, he seemed to say that he understood everything, that he was an adult, but he also said that my children annoyed him and he could not accept them. At the same time, problems arose between us, I became physically disgusted with him, because after my third son I was unable to lose weight quickly (at 173 inches tall, my weight was 78 kg). Although his son was very long-awaited for him, he has three adult daughters from a previous marriage and he dreamed of a son. However, this joy could not “strengthen” our marriage. Everything began to anger him: my appearance, the way I managed the house, my children. He could yell for hours because I didn’t vacuum the carpet on time.
Very soon, my second year of marriage began to carbon copy remind me of the last year of my first marriage. And it was very scary, because I didn’t understand WHAT and WHY was happening.

The children became intimidated and nervous. I got sick from the constant worry that I was not what my husband needed.
Almost all my hair fell out and I had to shave my head. The last straw of the second marriage was the financial part. 9 months ago, my husband mortgaged our apartment and took out a loan. He had long had the idea of ​​making money in Forex and similar activities that involve speculating on the Internet. At that moment, I didn’t care anymore, just not to see his anger and irritation with me and the children, and I signed all the papers so that he would be given a loan. But we have three small children, I didn’t work, and in order to somehow protect myself, I offered and he promised me that if this business doesn’t work out and there are losses, we’ll sell the car and buy the apartment out of the collateral. However, three months passed and the husband lost half of the loan money. In a panic, I began to ask him to quickly sell the car in order to buy out the apartment. However, he did not keep his promise and told me that he would sort it out himself and that I should not dare tell anyone.
So another 4 months passed, my husband lost all his money. Instead of somehow trying to solve the problems and get a job in order to save the apartment, my husband left for another country 2 months ago to “continue his studies” in this Internet business. He presented me with the information that it was a great miracle and the luck of his whole life that he was accepted for a six-month training. Although this half a year, flights, accommodation and food - he had to pay for everything himself. And he sold the car and left. There was nothing to pay for the loan, I was left alone with 3 small children, my eldest son went to first grade in September. I started selling my apartment, paying off my loan, and looking for a job.

During this time, I learned what gambling addiction and a casino symptom are, what gambling is and that it is akin to alcohol or drug addiction. Only there is chemistry, and here is money. That's all. This is not a business. Because of this “business,” my husband became even more aggressive, because he was not getting it and he blamed me and my noisy children for it.

At the moment, he is still “in training”, the company is not properly registered, submits zero reports to the tax authorities and officially they have one half-time accountant. My husband says (if we communicate, for which I have less and less strength every day) that only 3 months have passed, that by February he will definitely succeed, although during these three months nothing has changed in his “Internet business”, he also loses money. He is also aggressive and angry, especially when I began to ask him to come back and quit this business and just get a regular job the first time after he left. This makes him angry and he accuses me of being a bad wife, not believing in him and not supporting him.

And with God’s help, during this time I was able to solve the problems in which he left me. Of course, all this affected the children; I began to have emotional breakdowns more often. Inside, the decision to divorce is emerging more and more clearly, because I see that I cannot continue to live with a man who decided to leave his family for the sake of not even a business, but some kind of casino. It’s like I’m already alone, alone with three children, at first it was very difficult, now the feelings of pain have dulled, I understand that I just have to live, because I have children. That's all.

However, there are questions inside, why this is, why the second time I did this, made such decisions. Sometimes it seems to me that I’m just “stupid”, not in terms of intelligence, but such “spiritual stupidity”, all my life it was easy to deceive me, I easily believed in everything and everyone. And for some reason I don’t study. It scares.

Support the site:

Alena, age: 30 / 11/17/2014

Responses:

Alyonushka, you are very smart for deciding to write here by opening up. And the questions you ask are very correct, honest and by no means stupid, but very wise and deep! I see that you need the help of a competent psychologist who will talk to you about the condition - addiction, or more likely even - codependency. There are Orthodox psychological services in Moscow and St. Petersburg. They don't talk about it much here, but such conditions have been treated for years. Exactly - they treat, because... the old style of behavior, stable habits and everyday type of thinking are very difficult to change... And here, as in any new business, mistakes, disappointments, and disbelief are inevitable... To begin with, look at the articles of psychologists on this site, and also books that have been mentioned here more than once - R. Norwood “Women who love too much”, V. Moskalenko “When there is too much love”, Weinhold B., Weinhold J. “Liberation from codependency”, M. Beatty.
Just understand that this is a process that will take you more than one month. But I think it's worth it. Good luck to you.

Svetlana, age: 41 / 11/17/2014

Alena, if you started asking questions to yourself, then you are on the right track. He who seeks will find. Personally, it seemed to me that you did not learn your lessons from your first marriage and plunged into your second. You didn’t resolve the conflict, but you left it. Now you are solving an even bigger conflict. We are here to receive lessons and go through them, and if you don’t draw conclusions and run away from problems, then they will haunt you. Search, grow and develop.
Ask God to show you the way!

Inna, age: 31 / 11/17/2014

Alenka, he's dangerous. I would run from him. Honestly. Nothing good will happen to him anymore. Don't trust him. I will definitely say that it is not your fault for seemingly stepping on the same rake a second time. You want to be a loving wife, a good mother. You can feel it.
Only now you come across men who are not capable of love. It is a gift from God to love. And not everyone has it. And even if it is given, then love, like talent, must be cultivated.
And to understand where these unlucky marriages begin, you need to start living with God. Are you with God? The Lord is calling you to Himself. Seek His help. Go to the temple, start reading spiritual literature. And you will see your situation from the other side. We all place a lot of hope on our husbands, but they turn out to be like this. And the Lord will never betray you. And remember, you are already rich. Three children is wonderful!

Ekaterina, age: 39 / 11/17/2014

Alena, this is just cruel! We urgently need to understand ourselves. We urgently need to start loving ourselves! You got burned very badly, run away from this egoist! He does not love and never loved you! He took advantage of you! God willing, you will raise your children. In this case, it is better to be alone. No man is worth children's tears! You are strong! You can do it! Hold on! take care of your children! Take care of yourself! You deserve better and your children need love, not aggression! Try to calm down, calmly understand yourself: why do you choose such men? If you can’t do it yourself, contact a psychologist, if there is, of course, an opportunity. Naivety and gullibility are wonderful qualities, as long as they are not excessive. There is no need to drive them to stupidity. You are responsible not only for yourself, but also for your children. If you are a believer, go to church and talk to the priest. They usually give good advice. And it won’t hurt to pray that the Lord will help, enlighten, and give strength. Wisdom to you! Lord, have mercy and help!

Olga, age: 41 / 11/18/2014

Alena, as a child, did you ever freeze your finger to something cold, like a drainpipe, when it was winter and freezing? Tight, with blood? Freezing tightly to the cold is the most natural phenomenon. So we walk, frozen tightly to each other, soul to soul, one cold, the other warm, therefore, frozen tightly, we just need to tear it off with meat. You will never get close to a warm soul, no matter how hard you try. And to the cold one - it’s elementary, just touch it.
At first, you were both full of plans and hopes, but your husband quickly burned out and wanted “light bread.” His love burned out and cooled down, and he did not learn how to build warm relationships in the family, and did not want to. He loves only himself and his desires. And for failures, he blames everyone around him (his wife, children), but not his beloved self.
Your husband’s soul has become so cold and selfish, and you are a warm and bright person. When you got married a second time, you wanted to save yourself and escape from loneliness, you wanted a family, but no one can predict the future. Now the main thing is to tear away the coldness of others and start saving yourself. And learn to appreciate the warmth of your soul. And give it to those who are waiting for it and responding to your love. God has not left you and will not leave you.

Olga, age: 43 / 11/18/2014

Thank you very much for every response! Helps me look at the situation more balancedly. I will definitely read the books because even the titles made me think.

Alena, age: 30 / 11/19/2014

Hello, dear Alyonochka!
You should not blame yourself and scold yourself. You are a woman who wants to love and be loved. Only husbands are unworthy of you. Everything happens to you for a reason, the lesson is not learned and the Teachers come almost the same, only the consequences and damage are getting worse and worse.
You need to learn to love yourself, respect, appreciate and take care of yourself. You need to invest your love, your money in yourself, in your children.
Now you need to focus on yourself, revise your thoughts, your heart, your soul.
Thank your ex-husbands, forgive and let go. Forgive your parents for not loving you as a child.
Isn't your dad like the men you choose? How did your parents live when you were a little girl? How did your dad treat you?
You have huge advantages: your experience, your youth, your children, your strength, your health.
I have a similar situation. We lived with our first husband for 18 years, insulted, beat, kicked out, endured for the sake of the children and was afraid to leave. I thought I deserved to be treated this way.
After divorcing him, three months later she married a man 9 years younger than herself. After a while, my second husband began calling my children names, raising his hand against my son in my absence, and taking out loans for my husband. He left before the New Year, blaming me and my children for everything. The loans remained with me.
Two years have passed since the divorce. I’m working on myself so as not to attract a tyrant into my life and not become a victim again, I’m learning to love myself. Now I know that you can’t take out loans and give your money to a man, no matter how much you love him. A man must earn money himself and provide for his family.
Alyonochka, everything will be fine with you. With God's help you will cope with everything, everything will work out for you and it will be wonderful.
Now I understand that I rushed into marriage out of fear, despair and loneliness, did not draw the right conclusions, did not grieve my grief and paid an even greater price after the second divorce.
You just need to wait, love yourself, life, people, enjoy life, choose worthy men, do not immediately rush into a relationship, but look at a man’s actions, at his attitude towards children. Our children deserve love and happiness and they don’t need such tyrant stepfathers. It’s better to be alone than with such a husband. Let him go his own way. Thank God that he left your life, that you paid with money for something that you humbly accept.
Take care of yourself, pamper yourself, go for walks, please yourself more often and believe in the best. It's already coming to you. And the best man in the world comes to you, because you are the best woman in the world! You deserve love and happiness! This will definitely happen.

Lera, age: 42 / 11/19/2014