In relation to adults, internal. A recipe for strengthening your inner adult. Relationships between personal positions

Let's get to the heroines from Sex and the City. And now a little theory about the inner Adult and inner Child.

We must have three states: Child, Parent and Adult. Each of the states is responsible for its manifestations in a person. And each state must be in its place.

The Inner Child is responsible for Joy, Interest in new things, Naturalness. This is if we talk about a non-crippled Child. When we, mothers, play with our children joyfully and cheerfully, as if we were children ourselves, it means that we have preserved a wonderful inner Child that allows us to have fun and be ourselves. If we look at the games and pranks of children with bewilderment and irritation, then it’s time to turn to our childhood and repair our inner Child.

The Inner Parent must be caring and loving. This is ideal. When in childhood we see just such parents nearby. If the real parent is critical, controlling and angry, then our inner Parent becomes like that. Well, this can be fixed too.

Inner Adult. But I’ll start the description of this hero of our inner world with the fact that not too many people have a normally formed inner Adult. Or they manifest their Adult in some areas of life, but not in all.

What qualities are inherent in the inner Adult?

The adult is responsible. Responsibility is his main quality.

Autonomy. An adult is not dependent on other people's opinions. He has his own. Yes, yes, on many issues. And if he makes a mistake, he learns and moves on.

He is proactive. He does not live constantly waiting for something.

He is true to himself. Trusts himself and his feelings. He does not feel a senseless feeling of guilt (feeling guilty is a child’s prerogative). If it creeps up on him, he realizes what he has not yet learned, which causes him to feel guilty. Studies. As always. And he moves on.

An adult is capable of self-development. Constant stability in everything is not a trait of the inner Adult. On the contrary, he tries new things and changes.

An adult does not exist in an atmosphere of futility and hopelessness. He knows everything will be fine.

An adult lives in many ways. Not just family or just work. He lives with his work, and his spouse, and children, and books, and theaters, and anything else that his heart desires.

The adult has freed himself from unnecessary scenarios imposed on him by his parents.

An adult knows how to be truly close to those with whom his life brings him together. What is this intimacy? He can open up to another person, he can explain to another what he wants. Adult relationships between spouses are real happiness for them.

And now for the weird stuff. What happens when internal states respond to things they shouldn't.

Let’s take an area of ​​life such as work.

Which of the three states do you think is most effective at work? If the inner Adult is formed at work, then he is effective at work. He's a professional. What if he feels like he’s working like a Child?

What about love and sex? At consultations I see a lot of little girls who are responsible for these two most important areas of life. Little girls in bed with a man, and little girls in intimate conversations with a man... They themselves feel bad, these little girls, you know? We raise them, of course. And women begin to feel completely different. They are finally realizing that female adult part of themselves that was yearning for freedom.

Children don't earn money. Children do not take responsibility for their health. Children generally cannot take responsibility for anything. Etc. and so on.

Now let's move on to the heroines of Sex and the City.

I believe that this is a series about women with very strong inner Children who are trying to become adults. Perhaps in some area of ​​life the inner Adult is formed, but not in all.

She is an Adult in business and in sex, but an absolute Child in relationships with men. However, this distinguishes all the heroines of Sex and the City, at least in most episodes. Changing men like gloves, they absolutely do not know what to do with them, how to spend time with them. How to show intimacy. It's better to be alone than with someone you don't know how to behave with.

Charming heroine. A real child in everything. After marrying her first Scottish husband, she sets up her home, but cannot get pregnant. In mine, I wrote that in order to get pregnant, you need to feel like an alpha woman next to your alpha man. But alpha women are grown women. Charlotte was able to get pregnant when she had already taken in an adopted child and felt responsible for someone's life. Responsibility is a trait of an adult, as we remember.

As a lawyer, she's an adult. And she is even capable of becoming a mother. But intimacy with her beloved man (a trait of an adult) is not easy for her. In addition, I am sure that when visualizing her femininity, the image of a very unhappy, depressed woman would appear in front of her.

Kerry

I would call her a teenager. Her inner Child knows how to rejoice and learn new things. But she is far from being an Adult in love. That is why she has no luck with men. And Mr. Big is in no hurry to tie the knot with this charming “young man in full skirts.” It is interesting that when in the last part, already being a legal husband, he wants to feel closeness with his wife in conversations, in tenderness at home, and not at endless receptions, she is offended and tries, at the first separation from her husband, to return her former youthful enthusiasm in kisses with her ex beloved. However, she understands that something has changed and is trying to find a new self with the man she loves.

Interestingly, the latest film on the big screen did not receive rave reviews from its viewers, like the series.

The reason for this seems to me to be that his viewers are women, similar to heroines, these are obvious Children in relationships with men. They don’t understand the growing up heroines, because the audience has not yet begun to go through what the heroines of the film go through. They have not yet begun to form an inner Adult in communication with men, even if they have these men.

Unfortunately, all fairy tales end at the wedding. “And they lived long and happily...” And how did they live? Unknown. There are few demonstrated models of further behavior. But the models of adult relationships between spouses in the most recent film, Sex and the City, are not bad. You can study it and try it on yourself. And don't stop just with this movie. There are other good films about real intimacy.

The Inner Adult is one of the natural internal ego states, our rational origin, an analogue of the Ego from S. Freud’s scheme. the concept was proposed by E. Bern. As a rule, the state or position of the Inner Adult is considered in the triad “Parent - Adult - Child”.

The inner adult as an ego state is logic and realism, calm analysis and objective assessments of what is happening. A person in such a state is not guided by either fears or hopes: he weighs the pros and cons, considers the risks and makes the optimal decision given the available information. Without the ability to include and support the Adult within oneself, a person cannot become a truly mature person, but an Adult without a developed Parent and Child is a dry, insensitive analyst who does not have the will to insist on his decision. More often, however, people come to therapists with a predominance of the Child or Parent state and an underdeveloped Adult position. Accordingly, in this case, psychotherapy should be aimed at establishing a balance of the three named components and strengthening the role of the Adult.

The Inner Adult does not have the task of elevating himself by suppressing the inner Child or Parent. His task is to study the information and make the best use of the available potential. The adult decides which behavior is most appropriate to the existing circumstances, which roles need to be abandoned, and which ones it is desirable to include. So, at a fun party, childish behavior is more appropriate and parental moralizing is inappropriate.

However, in the realities of modern transactional analysis in Russia, psychotherapists of this direction often move in a different direction. Seeing the position of the Parent primarily as an inert and oppressive position, they try to weaken the client’s position of his inner Parent and strengthen the position of his Child. Sometimes this is really relevant, but we must not forget to understand the TA motto: “Always be an Adult.”

I quote: “In many ways, a Child is one of the most valuable components of a person, since he brings into a person’s life what a real child brings to family life: joy, creativity and charm. A Child is a source of intuition, creativity, spontaneous impulses and joy.” (negative descriptions of the Child’s position are often referred to not as natural, but as a child reacting to adults) “Physical signs of the Parent: frowning brow, pointing finger, head shaking, “menacing look”, foot stomping, hands on hips, arms crossed over chest , clicking the tongue, stroking another on the head, etc. Words and expressions: “Always”, “Never”, “How many times have I told you”, “Remember once and for all”, “I would if I were you...”, words: stupid, capricious, ridiculous, disgusting, darling, cutie, well, well, that’s enough, must, should, must.”

If the Adult happens in us on its own, if it happens on its own, it speaks of the inner Adult who is in us. If we ourselves made ourselves an adult, if we were in an active position, we speak of the position of an Adult. We have chosen the position of an Adult, we have taken an adult position. They look for the Inner Adult in themselves, and create the position of an Adult.

Conversations about the Inner Adult are more often conducted by psychotherapists working with clients who do not have the habit of taking an active and responsible position. The question about the position of an adult is posed as a requirement: “Are you an adult? How does an adult behave in this situation?”

Relationships between personal positions

Some personal positions complement each other, the intersections of some give rise to

The Inner ADULT is one of the very important parts of our psyche, which knows how to stand between the Inner CHILD and the Inner PARENT, and neutralize whims, fears, guilt, criticism and inflated demands on oneself and on other people.
All three subpersonalities are three different ways of existing in this world, each of which consists of certain patterns of behavior, thoughts and feelings.

The inner child is the behavior patterns we borrow from childhood, it is the voice of early childhood experiences and reactions towards ourselves and others. The inner child is most associated with feelings and emotions, as well as their manifestation, because young children evaluate the world mainly from the position of feelings. The child usually acts out of “I want”, guided by momentary whims and internal impulses. The girl inside us can go buy bread and buy another pair of shoes with her last money.
It is very important to love and even sometimes pamper your Inner Child, hear his needs, accept him and allow him to manifest himself. The inner child is truly the most natural part of us in its manifestation, open, full of life and strength, creative impulses and the desire for joy, it is a connection with innate qualities, with the divine spark in us - our Real Self.
The inner parent is a set of patterns copied from our parents or other older figures when we were little. The inner parent exhibits value judgments, prejudices, criticism and admonitions, and the key words for it are “should” and “should”. These are some standards, requirements for ourselves and others, standards that we set. The useful function of the internal parent is that it adapts us to society and allows us to feel confident in society. It is also from our parents that we criticize, discipline and educate ourselves, teach others “how to” and “how to do right”, and derive ideas about morality and standards of behavior. For example, a woman who purses her lips and condemns the overly ardent behavior of lovers in a crowded place is acting from the role of an internal parent; most likely, one of the elders did the same in her childhood.
The inner adult, on the other hand, is much more autonomous and independent of the experience of the past; he remains in the current moment and reacts to a specific situation, thinks and acts, studying reality and calmly assessing his capabilities.
The key concepts of the Adult are “it is important to me” and “I choose”. This is our conscious part, which most fully reveals the potential of an adult personality. Let's say, if you are late for work, you can blush and make excuses from the Child, criticize yourself from the Parent, or simply take responsibility for being late and, for example, work this time or leave the house a little earlier in the future.
We do many things in our lives from one of these three states: we choose partners, work, make important decisions. Therefore, it is good to know them and understand whose voice is now heard “on the air”, or is heard by you most often.
To become aware of the manifestation of these parts in your life, you can do a simple exercise. Think back to the last twenty-four hours of your life. During this time, were there times when you thought, felt and acted like you did when you were a little girl? Have you ever had thoughts, feelings, or behaviors that were similar to those of your mother, teacher, or other significant figure in your childhood? And finally, have you ever had moments when your thoughts, feelings and actions were a conscious response to a current situation, a specific choice based on the circumstances “here and now”? The answers to these questions will help you see the manifestations of each state in yourself - respectively, a child, a parent and an adult.
What does lack of contact with your inner Miracle Child lead to? Our Inner Child needs attention, affection and love more than anything else. If you don't do this, there are several possible scenarios...
Author of the article:
Anastasia Badoeva.

New girls come to therapy.

I can’t help but admire: different ages, but invariably thin, graceful, wounded in the heart, exhausted by the need to hide their living selves under a mask and yearning for acceptance.
They don’t believe that here, in this office, they can freely express their feelings and talk about what hurts.

Stealing glances at me, tensely awaiting my reaction, they try to hold back their tears, plastering a fake smile on their lips from time to time.
I feel their longing, loneliness, disbelief and at the same time a desperate desire to be heard and accepted in their suffering.

I see restless, abandoned children who are not, and never have been, supported.
They will have to experience this support, they will learn to take care of themselves, taking our relationships as a basis.

They will absorb a new experience of non-judgment and permission to be different, and not just expected, cute, unburdensome.
They learn that they have a childish part, an inner child, that they now have to take care of.

And at first this child will complain and cry a lot...
And this is necessary, therapeutic, because over the years of silence, a lot, a lot of unspoken pain has accumulated inside, and this pain will burst out.

The psyche invariably strives to free itself from that which hangs like heavy ballast and interferes with life.

Then the “child” will hope that I will become a kind mother to him, and sometimes, on the contrary, he will see me as an evil, cold, unfriendly mother; insensitive, unhearing.

These girls will invariably face disappointment in therapy, because soon their dreams of rapid change will be crushed. Life scenarios are too strong and deep to fade away in a couple of months or even years.

They will certainly experience disappointment in me when they realize that I am not an ideal mother, but just a person - with my own weaknesses and with my own boundaries.
They will experience their crises, experience the despair of hope - that there is at least one person in the world who will care like a mother.

The process of “growing” the inner accepting Adult is a very long one, and before that you will have to endure a lot of suffering and disappointment.

In order for this to happen, I will constantly draw parallels with real, living children.

What does a child need to feel supported and experience a sacred feeling:
“What is happening to me is natural. This is normal, not shameful or bad.
I have help. I'm not alone.
I will be heard; I am loved despite my mistakes”?

It is necessary, a significant adult told him about it.
Who is tolerant and forgiving.
He understands that the child is small and needs him.
He does not expect achievements from the child that exceed his capabilities.
He has the resource to support him in weakness and infirmity.
This adult is sensitive and attentive to the child’s condition, and notices when something goes wrong.

This is the kind of adult everyone needs in their inner world.

After all, until now the sole ruler there was the Tyrant.
And it is with him that we most often associate ourselves, speaking out against the child, regardless of his needs.

We are our own strict, merciless parent-judges who do not feel the slightest compassion for our wounded child part.

From our tyrannical part, we demand from ourselves and wait, demand and wait.

Under such pressure, the inner child shrinks even more, feeling desperately bad, unworthy to live on this earth.

Therefore, the first thing we try to do in relation to ourselves is to notice...

Something is happening to me... I don’t really understand what yet, but something is wrong...
Someone else’s words somehow resonated painfully, it became offensive... I felt my insignificance... rejection... I became scared.

We learn to notice our “falls” into trauma, into the past, into some past circumstances and states that still cause difficult childhood feelings.
The inner adult notices.
He takes the “child’s” condition seriously, without devaluing, without rationalizing, without demanding to put on a smile.

What happened to you?
Are you offended?
Have you been hurt?
Are you scared? What? Whom?
We learn to understand ourselves.

The Adult stands between the Child and the Tyrant, and the balance of power changes...
We tell ourselves:
I feel... It's natural. I can't feel any other way.
Because it’s a shame when you’ve been let down or deceived. And, if you have been deceived so much, then being offended now is normal. How could it be otherwise?
It's normal to resist when they want to rape you for the millionth time,

It's natural to be afraid if you don't know what adult protection is....
And it is natural to be afraid of losing if you have never been supported in your loss.
It's natural to want to be loved, it's natural to feel vulnerable - no matter what the circumstances...

I accept that my feelings are natural and have very good reasons.
Shortages, shortages.
Now I know where I am vulnerable, and I will try to notice such moments before I get caught up in them.
I will free myself from shame - because before I was ashamed of my feelings.
For your mistakes. For your vulnerability.
Now I realize that there is nothing shameful in this.
My condition has a reason.

A child needs time to believe...
What if this Adult leaves him, he will be left again alone with the Tyrant, and he will again have to earn, adapt, wait for mercy?
The child “wants” to make sure that he is truly treated differently. Always.

When our inner child part truly believes,
What you can feel, make mistakes, not want, want, be imperfect,
And she won't be persecuted for it,
She will bloom.

Trust, warmth, determination, amazement, brightness.
Children are no longer abandoned or alone.
You no longer need to look outside for what is inside.
....
My new girls have taken this path
The path is not close.
The only way to yourself.