How to forgive an offense: advice from a psychologist on freeing and getting rid of the past. The life cycle of “resentment - forgiveness.” How to deal with resentment and anger

In this article you will get step by step instructions to how to forgive and let go of resentment, and also learn why you can rejoice in resentment, why you are offended, and how to stop doing this now and forever. At the beginning of the article there is also a video in which I discuss this topic: the causes, consequences of grievances and ways to respond differently.

What is resentment

Resentment is unjustified expectations. You expected one thing from a person, but he acted completely differently. Perhaps you didn’t know him well enough to expect something different from him. Each person is unique, and we cannot predict how anyone around us will act in a given situation. There is no need to speculate for others and expect something from them. We can only decide what to do for ourselves.

Watch a video about the causes of grievances and how to stop being offended and start reacting differently:

Why should we rejoice at grievances?

Resentment is your growth area. If you're offended by someone's criticism, then chances are you actually think that way about yourself. For example, you were told that you are fat and that it would not hurt you to lose weight. If you are offended by this, it means you think so about yourself. And the offender simply let you see the place where you are unsure of yourself. And if you have a completely different opinion about yourself, are always confident in your beauty, or you simply don’t care what kind of figure you have, then you will react to such a statement with laughter. This way, the offender will not catch you on the hook, and his words will fly past you.

If you are offended by something, make a note of what exactly it was. This is your growth zone. The place where you need to learn to love yourself, grow, develop, improve yourself. So smile at your offender and thank him. Rejoice - it helps you see areas of growth and change for the better.

Thus, if a person offended you, then by doing so he showed you where you treat yourself poorly. Start to develop in the areas where you are offended. And over time, no one will be able to offend you.

How to forgive and let go of grudges - 5 steps

Let's move on to the technique of forgiveness. The technique takes about fifteen minutes, but it all depends on the depth of your offense. You will need a pen and four pieces of paper, and a few more in reserve. Take them and sit somewhere quiet where you won't be disturbed. From my own experience and the experience of clients, I can say that if you don’t do it now, you probably never will. Don’t let resentment continue to take away your strength and energy, don’t give it more possibilities influence your life. Free yourself from this heavy burden now.

The main condition of this technique is to get involved in the process entirely. Don’t be lazy, feel and write down everything that is necessary. This is your life, and its release from resentment is in your hands.

So, how to forgive and let go of resentment - 5 steps:

Step #1: Blacklist of grievances

Well, have you already armed yourself with a pen and pieces of paper? If not, do it now. Why put off your happy life until tomorrow?

So let's get started. Take the first piece of paper and write at the top in the middle the name of the person you are most offended by. Below, write a list of all your grievances against this person. Write in as much detail as possible.

It is likely that grievances that you did not even suspect about will be revealed to you. Maybe you will make some discovery. For example, you will finally understand why you have been carrying a grudge all this time.

We do everything in this life with some benefit for ourselves. Sometimes this benefit is unconscious, or in other words, secondary. This means that you, without knowing it, carry resentment with you throughout life, because you yourself want it.

For example, in childhood, when you were offended, your loved ones immediately showed increased attention to you and your friends took pity on you. And you remember at the subconscious level that resentment is accompanied by such pleasant bonuses. As an adult, you have learned to cope with many things, but you still love attention and care. And that’s why sometimes you allow yourself to be offended.

Another example of a secondary benefit is pleasant memories. Many people remember grievances from their school years and, throughout their lives, mentally returning to their school offenders, communicate with them in their heads. For example, at school, Marina was offended by a classmate because he did not reciprocate her affection. After many years or even decades, Marina is still offended by him and from time to time mentally returns to those episodes that caused the emotion of resentment in her. What benefit does she get? She liked her classmate. She likes to think about him. He may be one of her fondest school memories. Marina has many mixed feelings for her classmate, but resentment is the strongest of them. And so it seems to her that she is only offended. But in fact, her sweet memories are charged with a huge number of other emotions.

Think about what your secondary benefit is for each of the grievances? Think of a different way to satisfy each benefit and write it down. And from now on, start getting benefits in a new way you invented.

Step #2: Feel the hurt one last time

Take a second piece of paper. Write a letter to your offender on it. Let it begin like this: “Dear (name), I’m offended by you because... I hate you because... I’m hurt because... I’m offended by you because... I feel rage, hatred for what..."

In this letter it is important to describe your feelings, sensations, emotions. And feel them as if it were happening now.

When writing down, reproduce the offense in your memory. Remember everything in the smallest details: what day was it then, what happened before that, what did you feel at that moment when you were offended. How did you feel the next day? What specific words or actions were said to you that offended you? If another person did the same to you, would it offend you or not? Why was this particular person important to you?

Imagine, remember everything as if it were yesterday. Carry through yourself again all those feelings and emotions that you experienced that day, and also remember everything that you felt towards the offender until today. Replay in your head each of the grievances that you once had against this person.

Perhaps those memories and sensations that you have long forgotten about will emerge. Describe them too. Feel your hurt like never before. After all, today you say goodbye to her forever.

Step #3: Take Charge

Third step and third leaf. Resentment is your choice, which is most often not realized. Between stimulus and response, there is always a choice - how to respond. So, between an insult and being offended by him, there is a choice: to be offended or to pass by. The problem is that, as a rule, you do not have time to realize this and are immediately offended. The first time you choose your response to abuse is as a child. For example, a neighbor boy called you a fool, and you were offended. Since then, year after year, whenever a similar situation happened to you (you were insulted or criticized), you unconsciously chose to be offended again and again.

If you tend to get offended often, then you are probably in the role of a victim. How to get out of it, read this.

Have you ever noticed that some people are not offended when they are criticized? They consciously chose this. Or they were lucky - their parents taught them not to be offended by criticism in early childhood. And you start learning this now. It won't be easy, and it won't work out right away. But gradually, with effort, you will get what you want.

Whenever someone says or does something unpleasant to you, take a mental break. You have a choice how to react. Make this choice. While you are offended, you follow the offender's lead. But this is your life, and it’s up to you to decide whether to follow someone else’s lead or live the way you want.

So, the third step and the third piece of paper. Start it like this: “Dear (name)! I understand that I myself chose to be offended by you then. I bear full responsibility for being offended, for hating you...” Continue on your own. In this letter to your offender, write why you chose to be offended. What exactly bothered you then? All this time you have been transferring responsibility for the offense to the offender. But now you take responsibility. You were not offended, but you were offended. It's entirely possible that your abuser had no idea he was saying or doing anything wrong. But even if he did it intentionally, it only means that he achieved his goal. He has you hooked. You were offended, and all this time you were thinking about him and his action. You followed his lead.

From now on and forever, take responsibility for your grievances. People are not to blame for anything. You choose to be offended.

Step #4: Forgive and Let Go

Start the fourth piece of paper like this: “Dear (name), I forgive you for that...”.

Write everything you wanted to say but couldn’t. Put all your love into this letter, all the warm and pleasant feelings that you feel for this person. Imagine him sitting in front of you and talk to him in your mind. Surely, he will be glad to hear that you have finally forgiven him. He will accept your kind words and reciprocate. Imagine all this while you write your letter of forgiveness.

Thank your abuser for giving you the opportunity to see your growth areas. Now you know where you need to grow and develop, what qualities to improve.

After performing the suggested technique, you should feel better. During the technique, you should feel unity with the offender and the completion of what was not completed then, on the day when you were offended. The main condition is to re-live your resentment, all the emotions and feelings that fill you, using this technique as much as possible. Do it sincerely and with all your heart. Only you yourself can free yourself from this heavy burden.

Now you can do this technique with all the people and grievances that you have accumulated. Resentment takes a huge amount of energy and strength, so after performing the technique you will feel filled with energy. She comes back to you.

If by chance you ever mentally return to that unpleasant episode in the past that you just worked with, I recommend that you apply the fifth step.

Step #5: Anchor Exercise

Suddenly it happened that you again, perhaps out of habit, remembered your old grievance. In this case, add one more to your memory. After the abuser says those nasty words to you (or does those nasty actions), he comes close to you, looks you in the eye, takes your hands and says, “Please forgive me. I didn't mean to hurt you. Do not feel angry with me. Let go of your resentment."

Every time you mentally return to that offense, add this new episode to your memory. Over time, the new episode will become fixed in your thoughts along with the offense, and they will only be remembered by you together. Rest assured, you will soon forgive once and for all.

Conclusion

Now you know much better how to forgive and let go of resentment. Here are five steps to forgiveness. If you, without being lazy, take all the suggested steps as expected, sincerely and with all your heart, have no doubt, you will be able to find the strength to forgive and let go of the offense.

Get involved in the process entirely. Only in this way will you be able to free yourself from resentment and forgive from the bottom of your heart.

Once you have forgiven your biggest offenders, begin to work on choosing how to respond to unpleasant words and actions. Remember, between stimulus and response, it is always your choice. Before reading this article, you chose to be offended. Now start choosing other emotions or remain neutral.

And don't forget to download my book How to Love Yourself. In it I share the most effective techniques, with the help of which I once raised my self-esteem, became confident and loved myself. This book will teach you how to generally act only out of self-love! A person who loves himself does not hold grudges. You can learn this too by reading my book.

If you are having difficulty in forgiving an offense, you can contact me for individual psychological counseling. I will help you forgive once and for all and breathe deeply, letting go of the heavy burden of the past.

You can make an appointment with me for a consultation through in contact with, instagram or . You can get acquainted with the cost of services and the work scheme.

Subscribe to my Instagram And YouTube channel. There are a lot of useful things there!

Choose not to be offended, and then you won't have to forgive!
Your psychologist Lara Litvinova

From time to time, everyone is capable of feeling resentment. Everyday life is rich in events of both positive and negative content that are difficult to forget.

Man is a creature with a bright individuality of all ongoing mental processes.

This explains many ways of reacting and ways of expressing. But a common adequate response to a frustrating situation is negative emotions. Resentment is a response to unexpected circumstances, unpleasant event, unflattering statements that are difficult to forgive. But few people know about the true danger and the scale of harm that it can cause to the offended person.

What is so fraught with being offended and how to learn to forgive and let go of grievances?

• The nature and origin of resentment.

In order to learn how to fight it, you need to understand its nature and mechanism of action. Outwardly, resentment is a common human emotion, familiar to many, regardless of age category. Unfair criticism or a careless act can hurt a child and an adult. After all, we often encounter circumstances that do not coincide with our expectations. As a result, a situation of frustration arises. Its depth and severity depend on the opponent’s reference, the importance of the situation, and the value of the intended result for us. As a result of a situation of frustration, resentment arises as a negative reaction in response to unfair manifestations of the outside world.

• Comes from childhood - unwillingness to forgive.

In childhood, the source of resentment is a prohibition or restriction. In this case, the child’s request and his expectations diverge from the parents’ demands and their concept of correctness. Without the opportunity to challenge the position of adults, the individual little man, which has not yet taken place in the eyes of loved ones, begins to rebel and take offense. The child is dependent on his elders, and therefore often does not have the opportunity to fully express his dissatisfaction with the decision made for him. The feeling of injustice is layered with powerlessness and inability to change the course of events. The inability to forgive causes despair, which generates anger towards others and self-pity. This is how resentment arises. This way of responding to a problematic situation, once established in childhood, can become a template for reacting to any circumstances that cause discomfort and displeasure.

In adulthood, the demand to satisfy a request can take the form of expression mastered in childhood. If the parents followed the lead of the offended child, they could forgive him for his pranks and misdeeds, allowed him what he wanted, they consolidated the mechanism for getting what he wanted. Time passes, a person grows, but the confidence remains that with an insult one can achieve a certain result or avoid a well-deserved punishment . The tools used to get what you want change: for example, a baby’s protruding lip and stomping feet are replaced by silence, ignoring or hysteria adult woman. Such a behavioral mechanism is an outright manipulation technique, which does not have a positive effect on building strong, trusting relationships between the “victim” and her “offender.”

Many people find it convenient to achieve their goals at someone else’s expense. Sometimes unwillingness to forgive implies constant personal growth, self-improvement, ability to live available means and be responsible for your actions. The above characteristics are indicators of a mature, accomplished personality. Anyone who resorts to resentment as a means of manipulation reveals infantility.

How to forget your grudge?

To overcome resentment, remarkable strength is needed. For most people, resentment brings subconscious pleasure; they revel in their role as a victim. But what if you are aware of your negative feelings, but don’t know how to deal with them?

1. First step. You need to accept the insult. Understand that internal discomfort is the result of grief and displeasure. Sometimes, without even noticing it, we put aside the negative, remember it, but continue to deny and resist. A person, recognizing an insult, makes a great effort on himself. Realizing the problem, people begin to look for their internal reserves to correct it, which means they are on the path to healing and to forgiveness.
2. Second step. Formulate, give shape. Sometimes a person is disturbed by unclear feelings, experiences, he is tormented by a feeling of resentment, which snowball acquires new details. To resolve this, the offense needs to be put into shape, materialized. Psychologists advise reacting as effective way healing from resentment. They resort to something similar in family counseling when there is a need not only to recognize the problem, but to see and touch it in order to solve it in the future and forgive a loved one.
3. Third step. Taking responsibility. Even if you have every moral right to be offended, weigh your personal guilt and the degree of participation. Often two people are to blame for a conflict. Perhaps not in this moment, but the prerequisites were formed. Not everyone is capable of this and it requires effort and work on oneself. It's much easier to blame someone else before you forget. Strong individuals can see their guilt.
4. Fourth step. Sublimation. This technique is effective in correcting negative emotional states. He is also able to help a person cope with resentment. Can be used different kinds therapy: drawing, dancing, singing. Deep concern can be expressed by all available and in safe ways, which not only prevent the destruction of personality, but will also contribute to its creation.

1. Accept people as they are. Idealization leads to disappointment and resentment towards others. And to circumstances that did not live up to expectations.
2. It is a rare person who is able to guess the thoughts of others. If you feel a burning resentment, just throw out your feelings and admit it. There are people who don’t even notice how they hurt others. But this is not a consequence of malice or bad character. What if this is your case and they offended you completely involuntarily.
3. Even if it’s hard to forgive, you need to try to do it. Any act, action, situation that turns into an offense is an invaluable experience. Take full advantage of what is happening.
4. Let go of the “offenders” from your life. By playing the role of a victim, a person programs his destiny. He repeats the situation again and again according to his usual scenario. Once you let go, it’s easy to forgive an unpleasant person. By doing this we make room for new and bright experiences.

Why fight resentment?

Having gotten rid of the position of a victim, a person gains the strength to independently build his life and manage it. Forgetting an unpleasant incident, not paying attention to a caustic phrase dropped, getting out of a problematic situation with dignity is truly within your capabilities to a strong man. Only a mature person can forgive easily. Such people do not resort to tricks, know how to hold themselves accountable for their misdeeds and achieve what they want through hard work.

By learning to forgive offenses, we become wiser and grow. Real adulthood is coming to us.

How can you forgive someone who hurt you? Is it possible to get rid of the pain that burns your soul, clouds your eyes, and prevents you from thinking soberly? System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan helps to understand the mechanisms of resentment and forgiveness, to build harmonious relationships with loved ones and enjoy life...

And again this pain! The heart is compressed, it’s hard to breathe, the pulse is pounding in the temples, and the question is in my head: Why? Why dear person so cruel and unfair to me, capable of hurting me, offending me, insulting me, betraying me? After all, I go to him with all my heart! I'm ready to give my life for him! How to learn to forgive and let go of grievances?

Resentment is a very powerful negative emotion. It fetters and immobilizes a person, as if with chains, and does not allow one to live normally and breathe deeply.

It is especially difficult to feel resentment towards loved ones, because with them we are as open as possible, we experience boundless trust, we do not expect a trick and we find ourselves vulnerable. It is not easy to forgive an offense when pain tears your heart apart, and your mind does not find the slightest justification for the words and actions of loved ones.

We have heard thousands of times that you need to be an intelligent and wise person, be able to forgive each other, learn to forget the past in order to live joyfully and well. But for a person who is captive of grievances, all these are just empty words that sound like mockery.

How can you forgive someone who hurt you? Is it possible to get rid of the pain that burns your soul, clouds your eyes, and prevents you from thinking soberly?

There is a lot of advice on the topic “how to forget an insult”, all sorts of techniques that promise to acquire the ability to let go and forgive. Someone tries to read affirmations, someone, in a Christian way, humbly turns the other cheek to be hit, and someone thinks that it is best to erase the offender from your life, breaking off all relations with him.

Unfortunately, in practice these methods do not always work or only help for a short time. And in the next critical situation, old grievances flare up or new ones flare up, poisoning life with bitterness and disappointment. And it’s not possible to run away from everyone, because often we are offended by the people closest to us - spouses, parents, our own children.

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan helps to understand the mechanisms of resentment and forgiveness, build harmonious relationships with loved ones and enjoy life.

Psychology of resentment and forgiveness. How it works?

It would seem that no one is familiar with the feeling of resentment, because life does not skimp on injustice and even loved ones can be angry and cruel, self-centered, do not remember goodness, and do not appreciate what we do for them.

But in fact, not everyone thinks so, but only those who really tend to be offended.

Resentment is not a disease, not a curse, and not bad habit, but a feature of the psyche inherent in a certain type of people - owners of the anal vector.

These people have a keen sense of justice. Any imbalance in one direction or another causes them a feeling of deep discomfort.

The owners are people of honor, fighters for justice and equality, they are straightforward and simple-minded and expect the same in return.

For them, a special value is family, smooth, stable relationships based on mutual respect and trust. For the sake of his family, such a person is ready to sacrifice a lot. But it is very important for him to feel that his loved ones will truly appreciate it.

Not receiving, in his opinion, worthy confirmation of his merits, respect and praise, a person becomes offended, experiences pain and disappointment. And the phenomenal memory given to him by nature plays a cruel joke on him. Instead of collecting and storing important information, to gain valuable experience and pass it on to next generations, he begins to accumulate his grievances, remembering every situation, every word, look, deed that caused pain.

In most cases, people do not deliberately seek to offend us, cause pain and suffering. It’s just that we are all different and by nature possess properties and desires that determine our character, our reactions and behavior, our perception of the world and other people.

It follows that those around us go through life guided by their own desires, values ​​and priorities, which are different from ours.

Because of this difference of interests, all sorts of disagreements and misunderstandings arise, giving rise to resentment, quarrels, and conflicts.

Not knowing how the human psyche works, we look at the world and other people through the prism of our desires and needs. We expect people to treat us the way we would like them to, or the way we behave towards them. When we don’t get what we want, we get upset, worried, upset, and a person with an anal vector gets offended.

Since our maximum expectations are aimed at the people closest to us, those to whom we devote all our time, attention, and energy, they most often become the cause of resentment.

People who need to learn to forgive, because you can’t just take them and tear them out of your heart, erase them from your memory, these are ours -

parents, especially mother,

spouses or loved ones,

children.

How to forgive those closest to you? Mother

The dearest person who gave us life is our mother. And we owe her an enormous debt. In the life of a person with an anal vector, mother plays a special role. Mom is not just a family, a person who provides comfort and care, giving a feeling of security and safety, she creates a connection between generations, is a bridge connecting the owner of the anal vector with such a valuable and dear past. His first one is connected with her life experience, the ability to build relationships with other people.

It so happens that the mental properties of mother and child coincide. This means that when she looks at her child through her value system, through the prism of her desires, she will not have internal contradictions and problems with the child. And he will feel comfortable in the family.

And vice versa, if the mother has, for example, then she has the opposite properties. She is flexible, knows how to do everything quickly by nature and can start urging her baby on, tugging, rushing, waiting for him quick results where he needs time to think or adapt to a new situation.

The child becomes stressed, his reactions slow down even more, it is difficult for him to concentrate, and most importantly, it is painful and insulting because his beloved mother does not understand his condition, does not feel the discomfort he is experiencing, does not come to help, but, on the contrary, demands the impossible. The situation is aggravated if she also does not notice the efforts and efforts of her baby, forgets to praise and appreciate the results of his work.

The child's soul is in turmoil, resentment creeps into it, which the child does not even realize and cannot admit to himself. After all, mom is a person whom he considers holy, infallible. How can you forgive and let go of an offense if a person is not even aware of it? He carries it within himself constantly, the resentment affects his entire life, grows and multiplies.

The owner of the anal vector tends to generalize the events that happen to him. First bad experience He will project his relationship with his mother onto other people: “What can you expect from others if your own mother doesn’t understand, doesn’t appreciate, doesn’t praise.”

Understanding the nature of your mother’s psyche, her desires, character traits, conditions that influenced her life, gives an understanding of the reasons why she behaved this way.

She did everything that she considered right and necessary, that was in her power and corresponded to her essence. It was not her fault that she did not understand either herself or the child.

When awareness comes, then the question of forgiveness is exhausted. We don't let go of the grudge - it lets us go.

How to forgive a loved one? Couples relationship

A similar scenario plays out in relationships with spouses and loved ones. According to the laws of nature, people who have different properties and qualities. On the one hand, this is historically justified, because such partners, complementing each other, create a stable couple capable of surviving and raising offspring. On the other hand, differences and discrepancies in interests, desires and values ​​often cause misunderstandings and lead to conflicts, quarrels and resentments.

For example, a woman with an anal vector prefers a leisurely flow of life and home comfort, she is crystal honest and devoted to her husband. But the skin partner needs movement, novelty of sensations, a change of scenery, and in the absence of fulfillment at work, he may seek change in the form of flirting on the side. By cheating he plunges his wife into the abyss of suffering and pain.

How can you forgive a person and free yourself from resentment if he broke your heart? There can be no talk of forgiveness! Resentment towards a man digs into the heart like a thorn, does not allow one to live, and thirsts for revenge. Nothing brings relief. Relationships turn into a complete nightmare, into an endless series of insults and accusations, pain and disappointments. If a family breaks up, bad experiences are recorded for life, forcing each person to be seen as a potential traitor and traitor.

By understanding yourself and your partner, you can learn to build qualitatively new relationships based on mutual trust and respect for each other’s differences. What is trivial to us may have great importance for a loved one. If you remember this, it’s no longer difficult to turn off the light behind you, close the tube of toothpaste, or put your slippers back in place. We stop against act, let's start mutual act, move towards each other, thanks to which all possible reasons for misunderstanding and resentment disappear from life:

How to forgive and let go of resentment? Children

Children are of particular value to the owner of the anal vector. It is important for him to give them the best, to educate them good people, instill time-tested traditions, teach everything that he can do. He is confident that he is right and wants to be the most best parent for your child. He tries to maintain his undeniable authority in the eyes of children and become an example for them. And that is why they are so painfully worried, angry, offended when they are in no hurry to be like their father, follow his advice, follow in his footsteps.

How can you learn to forgive your children and let go of resentment when their behavior runs counter to their parents’ ideas about life and contradicts their wishes?! A parent with an anal vector expects obedience, respect, and honor from children, and what does not meet his expectations is perceived as negative, incorrect, hostile, causes misunderstanding and gives rise to resentment.

It is very important to understand that we look at our children through ourselves, we try to impose on them our views, habits, interests, our perception of life - when their perception may be fundamentally different from ours.

Not knowing how the psyche works, not realizing the differences between their properties and the desires of their children, despite all the love and good intentions, parents often make mistakes, preventing their children from growing and developing correctly and building their lives.

Children are not at all like their parents. They have different desires and aspirations, and they live in a different time. What filled us with joy and pleasure in childhood is no longer able to satisfy the needs of our children. What we could only dream of has long become a familiar reality for our children. The world is developing rapidly, and with it the volume of desires, which are the “engine”, the key to development and movement forward, is increasing.

By understanding our true needs, desires and the differences between our children and us, we can help them develop their natural talents and abilities, succeed in life and become happy.

How to learn to forgive and let go of grievances: results

Gives knowledge about the structure of the psyche, about what motivates us and the people around us. Helps, false beliefs, unrealistic expectations, teaches you to perceive people as they are.

We don’t get offended by our beloved cat because she doesn’t sing like a nightingale, and our faithful dog can’t fly, just as we stop being offended by people because they don’t have certain qualities.

The ability to forgive and let go of grievances is developed along with the skill of thinking systematically. A new worldview gives the ability to adequately perceive oneself and other people, understand the motives of their behavior, anticipate and manage one’s reactions.

There is no longer any need to accumulate and multiply your grievances, suffer or hatch plans for revenge; it is better to direct your energy to something important, interesting, useful - to study “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan.

Proofreader: Natalya Konovalova

One of the key skills in the lives of each of us is the ability to forgive other people and ourselves. Unfortunately, only a few have this skill. If you are one of them, do not read this article! For the rest, we discussed the topic of forgiveness in detail. Read and change your life. Find out how to learn to forgive grievances!

A quick question: is the ability to forgive a strength or a weakness?

How to learn to forgive insults. 2 categories of people

Today, most people tend to dwell on their grievances and are able to torment themselves with negative thoughts and experiences for years. This does not bring any benefit and only harms physical and mental health.

If you look closely, such people are constantly dissatisfied with something, this attracts troubles to themselves, something bad constantly happens in their lives. Why is this happening?

The fact is that resentment has tremendous destructive power. If a person holds grudges, he is finished.

At the same time, people who are able to live and let go of their negative experiences, find positivity even in the most hopeless situations, and forgive their offenders live many times happier lives.

By the way, about happiness. Read our best article:

The ability to forgive in the modern world

With the advent of televisions, social networks and other depersonalizing crap, people began to adopt tons negative energy from these sources. Many have already forgotten how to give gifts and love, rejoice and laugh. People don't know how to learn to forgive insults.

“The heart forgives often, the mind rarely, pride never”

Louis Dumur

Development modern technologies creates more and more resentment towards oneself, towards one’s family, towards one’s environment. Lost in gadgets, people forget how to communicate with each other, how to talk about the most important things. As a result, they feel resentment towards the whole world for not being understood and appreciated.

First of all, this concerns the younger generation. For example, modern teenagers are often offended by their parents because they cannot provide them with the desired standard of living, broadcast social networks, fashion bloggers and other unauthorized personalities.

Due to being constantly offended, adolescents develop an inferiority complex and dissatisfaction with life. Such children grow up to be incapable of mediocrity, who spend their whole lives looking for someone to blame, do not know how to solve problems and cannot admit their mistakes.

The key to salvation is the ability to forgive. The ability to forgive is the ability to let go difficult situations, look at them from a different angle, thank them, perceive what is happening as a lesson from which you can draw benefit and important experience.

Having learned this, you will notice how your life will change, how many new and interesting things will appear in it. You will discover new opportunities for yourself and see the world from a completely different perspective. You will have inspiring goals and a zest for life.

The ability to forgive is power!

The root of the problem. Children's grievances

Childhood grievances are considered the most severe. Few people are able to cope with them on their own. Of course, you can try this way, but it is better and faster in this situation to contact a specialist.

There is nothing terrible or reprehensible in this. This does not indicate the presence of mental illness, but only indicates that the person wants to live happily and be in harmony with himself.

Why is it important to forgive childhood grievances?

Without letting go of childhood grievances and without forgiving those closest to you, you cannot continue to move towards conscious happy life. No matter how much you want to just forget and move on, it won’t work.

Everything that happened to us in childhood is the cause of our present. Therefore, it is first important to “forgive” the past and only then take on the future.

A person who does not know how to forgive will fail in life.

Adult children resent their parents. How to learn to forgive grievances:

Is it possible to learn to forgive?

We are gradually moving on to practice 😉 Get ready!

Instructions for use:

• Recognize each specific grievance separately.

The first thing to start with is admitting the offense. Someone will think that it is easy and banal. This is wrong.

For many, acknowledging an offense is tantamount to a voluntary admission of defeat and weakness. The most difficult thing is to frankly say to yourself: “Yes, in this situation I was weak and defenseless. I failed and I’m upset.”

• Write down all grievances on large leaf paper.

Correct wording is important here. It is not enough to simply write: “I was offended by this person in this situation.”

It’s better like this: “I’m offended by my parents because as a child they devoted little time to me, limited me a lot and talked little about their feelings.” It is important not only to write about the offense, but also to understand what exactly hurt you and made you angry the most?

"It's easier to forgive an enemy than a friend"

William Blake

Just remember the situation. What feelings does the memory of her evoke? Anger? Sadness? Want to be somewhere else?

• Work with every grievance.

The most difficult thing is to work through each grievance. It is at this stage that a person learns to forgive and let go of difficult situations.

There are many ways to forgive an offense. We have collected the best of them for you in this article. Read and apply!

10 ways to learn to forgive

Let's go 😉

1. write a letter to the offender

One of the most effective methods. It helps well to cope with old grievances. If you need to learn to forgive, start with this method.

How to do it correctly this technique? To begin, prepare clean white sheets of paper, a pen and three envelopes. On the evening of the first day, before going to bed, be alone with yourself and write a letter to the offender on a piece of paper.

“Three things are not forgiven for women. But no one knows which ones and why."

Yanina Ipohorskaya

In the first letter, you should not skimp on describing the emotions and consequences of the offense. Here it is important to write down all the thoughts and feelings that have accumulated during the offense. This may require more than one sheet of paper.

Stop writing when you feel empty and have nothing left to write.

Once the letter is written, pack it in an envelope and leave it overnight. In the morning, the letter can be thrown away, torn into small pieces or burned.

This letter was written by you not so that it gets to the addressee (the consequences for your relationship may be irreparable), but so that you can safely realize and live your feelings, putting them on paper, taking them out from within and letting them go.

Read more about emotions here:

Can you imagine how many years you have been carrying resentment inside? While writing a letter, anger, anger, tears may come over you, you may have the desire to sob out loud or swear loudly. If you have such an opportunity, let your feelings come out.

If you immediately need an active action that will help you physically experience the emotion, you can, for example, hit a pillow. Already at this stage you will feel incredibly better - verified!

After finishing this practice, it is better to take a shower to wash away your worries.

On the evening of the second day, write another letter. It is important to describe in it what experience you have had, what life lesson an offensive situation has given you.

Seal the letter in an envelope, and in the morning burn it again, tear it up or throw it away.

On the evening of the third day you should write thank you letter. In the morning, you will get rid of it again, and you can say with gratitude: “I easily let go of the grudge against ... (name and surname of the offender) from my life.” I thank him for the life experience he taught me. Thanks to him, I became/have become stronger, wiser and more resilient. From this day on, I no longer hold a grudge against you and live a happy life.”

In particular severe cases Such letters will need to be written monthly, and a phrase of gratitude will need to be said daily.

2. burn off grievances

The method is similar to the previous one. Only now it is carried out with big amount offense.

To carry it out, prepare a sheet of paper, a pen, matches or a lighter and, if necessary, heat-resistant dishes. On a piece of paper, write down all the grievances you have today. When the list is ready, tear the sheet into small pieces and set it on fire. You can burn it like big fire, and in the apartment. Just take care of fire safety!

While the paper is burning, imagine how all grievances and negative thoughts burn away in the fire, how the mind becomes clear, and the body is filled with new positive energy.

“A stupid person does not forgive or forget anything; the naive forgives and forgets; A smart person forgives, but does not forget"

Thomas Szasz

3. send the resentment flying

To carry out this technique, prepare a large stack of small leaves. A5 size sheets are suitable.

On each sheet of paper, write one specific grievance. If you have several grievances against a person, write one grievance on one sheet of paper.

Upon completion of the process, fold each leaf into an airplane (or in the spring like a boat). Then everything is intuitive.

Go out to an open, elevated place in windy weather and send the airplanes flying freely with grievances. Looking at the airplanes flying away, imagine how your mind is freed, how easy it becomes to breathe.

Start living again. Strong people forgive.

4. give thanks

There are two options for this technique.

First. Write a thank you letter detailing the offense. Do this exclusively with words of gratitude.

For example: “I am very grateful to you for hurting me. This is a valuable lesson for me." You need to be grateful for all feelings and emotions, finding the positive side in them.

The second option is to say gratitude to the offender in front of the mirror every morning.

This method is very powerful, but not easy, as it requires great awareness. It is better that the feelings of pain, anger and resentment are no longer very bright and strong, otherwise you will deceive yourself and stick a band-aid on a purulent wound. This will not lead to anything good; you will not get rid of the resentment, but will only drive it deeper. This can even cause illness on a physical level.

If you are shaking at the memory of a situation in which you were treated unfairly, then it is better to turn to the first method.

5. turn negative into positive

Turn all the negatives into positives.

To do this, divide the sheet into two columns. Place a minus sign in the top left column and a plus sign in the right column.

“The weak never forgive; forgiveness is the privilege of the strong"

Mahatma Gandhi

First, write down all the difficult situations in which you felt offended. After that, describe in detail their negative and positive aspects.

For example, a situation: a husband left for his mistress, left his wife on maternity leave with two small children and a mortgage issued to her.

Do you think it is possible to forgive a person in such a situation? Let's figure it out together 😉

Cons: he left for his mistress, left his wife alone with their children, evaded paying alimony.

Pros: after the divorce, the wife filed for division of property with a request to collect alimony. During the division of property, the husband had to sell the car purchased during marriage. The wife received half the amount. The second part was collected against previously unpaid alimony, thanks to which it was possible to pay off most of the mortgage. During the remaining time of maternity leave, the woman mastered a new profession and began to earn significantly more money than at my old job.

On how to master a new profession:

The example, of course, is radical, but the fact is that because of their grievances, many people do not see anything positive from what is happening in their lives.

“To err is human, to forgive is divine”

Alexander Pop

6. break the dishes

This method is perfect for those who experience anger or emptiness along with feelings of resentment.

There is no need to break dishes right in the house. There have long been special places where this service is provided for a certain amount. Or you can find a deserted place and have a blast there.

On any dishes that you don’t mind, write with a marker the strongest grievances that you have today.

Once the list is completed and the dishes are prepared, you can begin the process. With every new one broken plate it is necessary to shout out the insult that is written on it.

One of the varieties of this technique is the destruction technique. When a person destroys, beats and breaks unnecessary things.

7. dance

For this technique, do not choose your favorite music or music that reminds you of the hurt or offender. African drums are best.

Be alone with yourself. Turn the music up as loud as possible. If you can't turn it on loudly, you can put on headphones.

Start dancing like never before! While dancing, imagine how all grievances and negativity leave your body and mind. Feel how pleasant fatigue appears, how easy it becomes to breathe.

Don't hold back your emotions. Let all the accumulated feelings find a way out. While performing the technique, jump, scream, cry, sob, throw things around. Dance until fatigue takes over and you fall off your feet, and there are no more thoughts left.

A variation of this technique is hitting a punching bag. The rules are still the same. Exercise until you completely lose strength.

And also on a wave of anger you can very effectively and quickly carry out general cleaning: and give it to emotions physical output, and the house will be clean 😉

8. help others

There are people who are fixated on one grievance. When it hurts so much that it seems it can’t get any worse.

IN in this case It's best to do charity work. Start with hard work– caring for animals in shelters. Full dedication is important here: cleaning enclosures, walking dogs, combing, petting. Give yourself a month of superhuman stress. So that when you come home, you just fall into bed.

“People who don’t feel love for themselves usually don’t know how to forgive.”

Louise Hay

You can also visit nursing homes. Talk to people, listen to the stories of old people who were abandoned by their children and grandchildren. Feel how hard it is for them, how hurtful it is for them.

Go to orphanages and hospitals. You will understand what hopelessness really is. You will see how hurtful it is for children who have done nothing wrong in their lives. Look: some can live at home, but others cannot; some can run and jump, while others can never take a step.

Do something for these people, help them with a good deed or a kind word.

The essence of this technique is not only that, seeing the suffering of others, you will begin to consider your grievances less significant. The main thing is that you stop focusing on yourself and start giving. Mr. Offense doesn't like people like that.

9. see a psychologist

There are grievances that only a specialist can help resolve.

If none of the above methods help, you should consult a psychologist. Perhaps it's not a matter of resentment at all. Maybe the feelings a person experiences are signs of depression, complexes, and fears.

"God forgives those who forgive others"

Olga Muravyova

Going to a psychologist does not mean admitting that you are mentally ill. This means admitting that you need help.

10. declutter

If you still don’t understand how to forgive someone for offending you, use the last way, you definitely won’t be left in the red.

Sometimes, in order to forgive someone, you just need to get your house in order. An excellent method, and its main rule is: “Throw away everything that has not been used for more than a year, and everything that causes negative emotions.”

Just throw it away, and not send it to the balcony, garage or to relatives. Another option is to collect good things and take them to the temple on the same day.

You will feel how much easier it will be to breathe.

Of course, there are a huge number of techniques that indicate how to forgive people and how to learn to let go of grievances, but they all come down to the 10 points above.

You need to choose what you like most. The main rule is not to be afraid to seem stupid and funny.

know how to forgive insults

Resentment is a great evil and a source of colossal negative energy. This energy takes away strength and deprives us of the opportunity to live a bright and fulfilling life.

No matter how strong the offense is, it must be let go. First of all, we need it, because it is not our offenders who carry it within themselves. It is important to learn to forgive and give thanks. Give thanks for all the good and bad things in our lives.

Don't dwell on grievances. Of course, they influenced the formation of the present, but it is in our power not to let them determine our future. Ultimately, only we decide how we perceive any situation and what lesson to learn from it.

If we don’t decide for ourselves, someone else will do it for us, and we will live our lives unconsciously, automatically, grayly and dullly. Do you like this perspective? No? Then go ahead - to forgiveness!

Learn to forgive, let go of negative situations and move forward with your head held high. After forgiving your grievances, your life will change. Remember, greatness lies in the ability to forgive.

How to learn to forgive insults. conclusion

Imagine yourself in a few years. Imagine meeting your abuser. If you don’t let go of the grudge, he will be a winner. If you forgive him and yourself, you will be the winner.

Winner in the fight for your life.

Finally, a video for thought:

Perhaps every person is familiar with grievances. But they can be talked about in two contexts: and the inability to forgive old grievances. This article will discuss the second option: how to forgive offenses and start living freely.

Resentments are stones tied to the neck and pulling you to the bottom. No matter what grievances we are talking about, always worse than that, who remembers them, than to the one who inflicted them. The ability to forgive is vital, but not given to everyone. This is one of the highest skills. And to make it easier for him to learn, you need to understand: you need forgiveness, not the offender.

Resentment is an experience associated with the fact that someone does not want or cannot meet your expectations.

Like anything, resentment is necessary, but in moderation. It allows you to manage your behavior and adapt to new conditions, signaling changes. Through grievances we learn the essence human relations and join the world, . But this happens under the condition of working through, forgiving and forgetting grievances. Otherwise, a person suffers and does not develop as a person.

Causes

There are several reasons for grievances:

• Resentment is often born out of your erroneous expectations of other people. Learn to adequately assess situations, relationships, people.
• Another reason for grievances is contradictions and disagreements. Understand that they are always there. In themselves, these phenomena are neutral. They acquire color depending on the behavior of the participants. This is where it is important for the contradiction to result in a new joint product and personal growth for everyone, to rationally resolve issues in conflicts.
• Resentment as is the third option. Perhaps you lack attention or you don’t know how to communicate, you don’t know other ways to achieve what you want.

Conditions for resentment

Resentment does not always arise. At a minimum, the offender must be significant to the opponent, that is, grievances are more common among loved ones interpersonal relationships. But this is not the only condition.

• “They don’t take offense at fools.” Adults are not offended by children, nor are we offended by bad weather or insects. To develop resentment, it is important to see in your opponent a person similar to yourself, an equal.
• Agreements (written or oral). If, out of the kindness of his soul, a person got used to doing something, and then couldn’t, then there is a high probability that he will be offended. Because involuntarily his good deeds became a duty in the eyes of his partner. Or vice versa: you helped, but they refused to help you. But you thought that this went without saying. The same is true for gifts and congratulations.

So, resentment always arises only in close relationships. In a situation where a person is not significant to you or generally treats you poorly, a sea of ​​other emotions and feelings arises: irritation, indignation, but not resentment.

Why forgive

What happens to those who are offended?

• Resentment affects health.
• Resentment controls your thinking and behavior, which becomes focused on reducing suffering from experiences (turn on).
• Resentment is fraught with quarrels and depression, since one memory is always followed by a sea of ​​others.
• Resentment is a precursor to chronic emotional stress. Everyone becomes active under stress protective forces body, which is good in an emergency situation: we see better, hit harder, run faster, act more creatively. But this condition is not suitable for permanent life, since in such conditions the body will quickly wear out physically and mentally, and the immune system will weaken.

What else does a person experience when stressed, what two popular reactions are: fear (flight) and anger (attack). When we are offended, we experience the same thing, but we cannot run away from it, which means we can only attack. Aggression (hidden, overt, internal “love and hate” type) always accompanies resentment.

Resentment makes us angry and sick. That's why you need to be able to forgive. By letting go of grievances, you:

• cleanse your body of those emotions that are already caused by images of offenders and situations;
• prevent the appearance negative emotions in future;
• release intellectual, physical and mental strength to build new life plans, self-development, creativity and achieving social success (freeing up space in thoughts and strength in actions).

Action plan

Getting rid of grievances involves getting rid of emotions (positive and negative). At first it is important to make the image of the offender neutral, and later he himself will retreat into the unconscious.

The goal of working on oneself is the development of sanogenic (health-improving) thinking. Your task is to seize control of thinking and behavior, that is, life, from resentment. To do this, it is important not only to forgive grievances, but also to understand the principle of their formation.

Fundamentals of sanogenic thinking

1. First of all, you need to understand that we are offended in those cases when the behavior (expectation) we attribute to a person does not coincide with real facts(reality).
2. You are in captivity of the past, which harms you and your loved ones in the present. If you constantly reproduce grievances in your memory and relive them over and over again (and that’s what you do), then time will never heal.
3. Keep expectations to a minimum. Don't attribute behavior stereotypes to people.
4. It is clear that it is impossible to live completely without ideas. In this case, it is important to set realistic expectations.
5. Reflection will help ease emotions. In a relaxed state, you need to remember the grievances and imagine yourself in this situation, but detached. As if you were an outside observer. Read more about this in the article.
6. Concentrating on your expectations rather than on your opponent’s actions will help ease your resentment.
7. Now try to find the reason for your opponent's alternative behavior.
8. After this, try to accept your opponent for who he is and recognize his right to freedom (alternative behavior).
9. In a calm state, replay the situation again, it is important to remain detached.

It's all about waiting

Your expectations about the other person's behavior require special attention. Play out not only the situation itself, but also pay attention to your thoughts. After this you need to answer a number of questions:

1. How should a person behave so that I don’t get offended?
2. Where do my expectations come from?
3. How real are they?
4. Can they be brought closer to reality?
5. Can the partner meet these expectations?
6. Does my partner know my expectations?
7. What's stopping me from talking about it and changing expectations?
8. Why does the opponent do this?
9. What motives drive him?
10. Does he know about my expectations? If yes, then why doesn't he do that?
11. Does he have other interests, desires, goals?
12. Do my expectations conflict with his beliefs?
13. In conclusion, be sure to say: I do not have the right to judge and evaluate another person, otherwise I do not recognize him as a person and am trying to fit him to a certain standard, to deprive him of his freedom. But no one has such a right.

No matter how strange it may sound, if you want to let go of the offense, then you need to find an excuse for the offender, and not blame. If nothing comes to mind, then you can simply say: “I’m sure he had good reasons for this. I forgive him."

In conclusion, it is worth saying forgiveness to yourself. And when forgiving the offender, it is important to find something to thank him for. In the end, you can always be grateful for the experience.

Afterword

The mechanism of resentment is as follows: my expectations regarding the other person, my vision of his behavior, the inconsistency of these elements. If one component (link) is missing, there will be no resentment.

You can get rid of grievances, let go of the past and start living in the future only by changing your thinking, refocusing your attention from grievances and their fuel to new plans.

Always remember that grievances are meaningless.

• First, they destroy the one who holds them.
• Secondly, think: do you consider the person who offended you to be superior to you, did he point to a sore spot? If yes, then shouldn’t you take criticism adequately and try to grow up to this person? And if he told a lie and turned out to be lower than you, then why attach importance to this and stoop to the same level?

“Socrates was never offended. He rightly said that this either did not concern him, or if it did, it was right. If you are offended by a person, then he is taller, smarter and more worthy than you. So take an example from him, reach up to his level. And if he is lower, stupider and less worthy than you, then by being offended by him, you exalt him with your offense, and humiliate yourself,” M.E. Litvak.