How to avoid despair when losing a job and learn a new specialty

I am a Russian Muslim. I have such a problem... As a child, apparently, my parents didn’t keep track, and my teeth were badly damaged. Now all my moral strength and money go to them, I earn money myself and spend everything on it, I don’t feel inner strength, there is no positive, there is no feeling that I have feminine strength and health, beauty, although I am a fairly pretty girl, I am even more afraid of having children. This directly affects my appearance– I don’t smile.

Besides this, there is another problem external feature, which significantly determines the attractiveness of a woman. I am 28 years old, and I am still not married, I am constantly haunted by bad thoughts about old age, death, dental problems are associated with old age, and I have not given birth to a single child and for some reason it seems that I cannot. And if I can, I won’t have enough strength for my husband, where to get beauty so that he doesn’t leave is very important to me only person- friend and husband...

Help, how to find positivity and moral strength? I really repel those around me and men too with my despondency and lack of self-confidence. I always think that people have worse problems, but their health is already bad, I could come to terms with such a problem at a more mature age, but I haven’t gotten married yet, and I constantly think that I won’t get married , and who needs me like that...

From a religious point of view:

Beauty is a rather subjective concept, in every culture and in different times had their own ideals of beauty. Moreover, these, too, are just the ideals of culture, trendsetters, and not all or even most people. Allah created all people different not only in appearance, but also in character, preferences and other psychological traits. Don’t even doubt that in the eyes of some men you will be not just beautiful, but the most beautiful woman.

Now regarding health. This light was not created by the Almighty homeland and place eternal life For us, this is just a testing ground. Here we are given a short period of time, during which we must prove our loyalty to our Creator by fulfilling all his orders and commands. The Almighty gave all people different appearance, condition, well-being, intelligence, health... All this is a test.

Of course, you and all other people would like to be healthy, the healthiest, and this is normal, because a person always strives for the best. Perhaps this is not the case for you good health, but believe me, there are people for whom it is even worse, there are those who count the days of their lives. Someday visit a hospital for cancer patients, look at them, pay special attention to the children who are there, and then evaluate your health. Is everything so bad that there is nothing left but despondency? Thank the Almighty day and night that you have all the parts of your body, that you can walk, taste food, relieve yourself... After all, there are thousands, and if we take the entire population of our planet as an example, then millions of people who are deprived of all this !

Beauty and many other features that are sometimes taken by young people as the primary criteria when looking for wives are not eternal and are not a guarantee of happiness. Whereas piety, obedience to one’s Creator and observance of all the canons of His religion guarantee this, guarantee happiness both in this world and in the next. For only the same men will come to woo a God-fearing girl, and a pious man will not follow every skirt or look at others. Whereas those who married a girl only because of her beauty can safely begin to pay attention to another, more beautiful than his wife, as is often the case.

Marry only an observant man. Have children and don't be afraid of anything. If you think that only healthy people in all respects can give birth fully, then you are mistaken; if this were so, there would not be 7 billion of us. What can we say about women who have some kind of health problems, when we see that sometimes even HIV-infected women whose immunity is completely undermined give birth to absolutely full-fledged children. Everything is the will of Allah, never forget about this, if you are destined to become a mother, you will definitely become one, and only the Almighty knows whether it is destined or not. I wish you with all my heart good health and families.

: From a psychological point of view

It is difficult, if not impossible, to find a girl who would be completely satisfied with her appearance. In your work you often come across the fact that even objectively attractive girl to one degree or another, he worries about his own inferiority complexes. They only differ in that they react differently to their shortcomings. Someone simply does not pay attention to them, realizing that he is just a person and for this very reason cannot be impeccable. Others try in every possible way to compensate for this feeling by resorting to all sorts of cosmetic services or even undergoing surgery. As a rule, this category of people, trying to hide their own inferiority, reveals it even more. For this purpose, psychological science even has a special term - overcompensation. But there is a third category of persons, to which, apparently, you belong. These are the people who begin to elevate their own shortcomings almost into a cult and refuse any perspective. They prefer to stay in the shadows and not show themselves again. This is to some extent similar to the behavior of the hero of the Saltykov-Shchedrin fairy tale “ The wise minnow“When a person drives himself into the abyss of his own fears.

Your whole problem is that you often think about possible failures that may occur in your life. Thinking about them, over time you begin to treat these thoughts as an objective reality, as if they really have a place in your life, and you immediately begin to make plans to get away from them. All this together leads you to the idea that it is better not to start anything at all, so as not to end up abandoned and disappointed.

So let’s think together about what kind of attitude can be formed towards a person who not only doesn’t love himself, but is even embarrassed in some ways. Would you get involved with a person who obviously thinks about himself that he will be boring and that he does not represent any value. You will forgive me for such frankness, but it is very important to see yourself from the outside, to understand the nature of your own fears. The whole point is that you can, without suspecting it, be in a certain vicious circle. On the one hand, the inner conviction of your own inferiority forces you to avoid any changes in life, leading you to the fact that people do not stay around for long, on the other hand. Here you need to seriously change your attitude towards yourself. It will be very difficult to love and appreciate you if you do not love and appreciate yourself. All of us, in principle, intuitively understand what is happening to this or that person, even if we cannot logically justify it all. Our natural instinct almost always tells us that we should keep our distance from this or that person. We just don't all listen to ourselves.

There is no need to dwell on your shortcomings, believe me, for each of them there will definitely be an advantage, the main thing is to dig deep into your strengths. Make a clear action plan, correct what can be corrected. Consult a good dentist, and he will tell you a decent solution. It is quite possible that you will need money, but you start denying yourself today what is not so important, and tomorrow you will have the necessary amount to correct damaged teeth. In general, there is no need to poison your life with all sorts of gloomy thoughts; there are so many interesting things in the world.

Muhammad-Amin - Haji Magomedrasulov

Aliaskhab Anatolyevich Murzaev

psychologist-consultant of the Center social assistance family and children

(according to St. Silouan of Athos and Archimandrite Sophronius)

First, let’s quote from the famous book “On Prayer”: “From my experience I can say: there are two types of despair: one is purely negative, destroying a person spiritually and then physically. The other is blessed. I can’t stop talking about him.”

Elsewhere, in the book “Elder Silouan,” Father Sophrony adds: “The enemy-devil acts differently with those who accept him, and differently in relation to those who fight. Another is the suffering of proud despair, and another is the suffering of a pious soul, when God allows Satan to make war on the soul. This last temptation is extremely difficult and is rarely tolerated.” Not much has been written about this latter condition; I would like to draw attention to the connection of this state with the suffering of the biblical Job.

Many years of experience in asceticism, the spiritual authority of Father Sophrony, whom many reverence as an elder, and the depth of his creations do not allow us to simply brush aside these words about blessed despair, which are not easy to understand, but require serious thought.

Deadly despair

When they talk about despair in Orthodoxy, they most often mean the first of the types of despair indicated by Father Sophrony - “purely negative and destructive of a person” despair as one of the most serious sins (according to V.I. Dahl’s “Dictionary of the Living Great Russian Language”, despair - this is hopelessness, deprivation of the last faith and hope.

Let us first consider in more detail precisely this kind of despair that destroys a person. As Bishop Varnava (Belyaev) notes, among people leading a spiritual life, this destructive despair also comes in two kinds: “Despair of the first kind comes from aggravation of the conscience by the multitude of sins committed, when the soul, for the reason large quantity of these ulcers, plunges from their severity into the depths of hopeless grief and hopelessness.

Another kind of despair occurs from pride, when a person who has fallen into some kind of sin does not want to humble himself and admit that he deserves to fall. The first type is healed by abstinence and warm hope in God, and from the latter - humility and not letting anyone down. condemn."

And here is how Father Sophrony describes this state: “As long as pride is strong in a person, until then he can be subjected to attacks of especially painful, hellish despair, which distorts all ideas about God and the ways of His providence. A proud soul, being in painful suffering and the darkness of hell, considers God to be the culprit of its torment and thinks of Him as immeasurably cruel. Deprived of true existence in God, she evaluates everything from her painful and suffering state and begins to hate both her life and, in general, the entire existence of the world.

Staying outside the Divine Light, in her despair she reaches the point where the existence of God Himself begins to appear to her as hopeless nonsense, due to which her repulsion from God and hatred of every being becomes greater and greater.”

The main reasons for such despair are wounded pride, fear of public shame if they find out about the crime committed, fear of punishment, the collapse of ideals or planned enterprises, hopeless love, etc. In the most severe cases, despair can drive a person to suicide.

It should also be noted that many Holy Fathers spoke about the need to fight passions (spiritual warfare) and that passions can be sent to us for spiritual improvement. The Lord is more pleased with our struggle with passions than with a complete absence of passions, dispassion. We know, for example, the testimony of the Monk John Kolov, who first begged God to be granted dispassion, and then, on the advice of the elder, asked the Lord for the return of battles and patience, for, as the elder said, “because of battles the soul comes to prosperity.” "

Gives a very instructive commentary on this important episode for Orthodox spiritual practice, reflected in Sacred Tradition. also indicates: “Let the passionate ones who humble themselves be in good spirits. For if they fell into all the pits, and got stuck in all the nets, and suffered from every illness, but after recovery they become luminaries and doctors, guides and mentors for everyone, announcing the types and properties of each illness and with their experience saving those close to the fall.”

It is also impossible not to mention here an instructive incident, which is evidenced by “Trinity Leaves from the Spiritual Meadow.” It's about about an appearance to a person who was in despair and was about to commit suicide. This man was so shocked by the vision that he threw away the belt with which he had just wanted to hang himself, and headed to, where he received consolation from Father Anfim. Prayer at the shrine St. Sergius he was finally consoled and left the monastery like a newborn baby. He looked at the world with different eyes, and his soul completely calmed down.

Experiencing destructive despair is dangerous, but not yet fatal. A person who has fallen into destructive despair can (and should) still turn to God with fervent repentant prayer, and the Lord will certainly give him healing and new strength to continue his spiritual warfare. Here is how the Monk Isaac the Syrian writes about this: “If it happens to a person to fall into many different sins, let him not cease to care for good, let him not stop in his course. But let the conquered one rise again to fight against his opponents and daily begin to lay the foundation for the destroyed building, until his very departure from this world.”

In conclusion of this part of the article, it should be noted that, according to the teachings of the Orthodox ascetic fathers, the state of despair is most closely related to sadness and despondency.

Despair “according to God”

There is also a state of mind, externally, in its own way psychological characteristics, similar to the one described above, but fundamentally different. This is how Father Sophrony describes him: “When for the first time a person, providentially abandoned by God, experiences the approach of Satan, then his entire being, both soul and body, is suppressed by great suffering and fear, which cannot be compared with the fear of criminals and murderers, because there is darkness in it eternal death.

The soul then knows that there is a devil; learns the power of his cruelty; and struck by the enormity of the evil standing before her, everything shrinks. From horror, despair and trembling, she becomes so exhausted that she cannot find the strength to pray. She does not feel God the Intercessor with her, and the enemy says: “You are in my power... But do not rely on God and forget Him; He is relentless." At these moments, the soul, not wanting to accept the devil, either silently, without words, freezes with the thought of God, or, at best, finds the strength to call on the name of God. Afterwards she learns that it is in this struggle that God listens exclusively to her.”

As many Church Fathers noted (in particular, St. John Cassian, Nilus of Sinai, Isaac the Syrian, Saints, Gregory of Nyssa, etc.), sinful passions pervert the saving “moods of a person, psychological basis which is imprinted in human nature as undoubtedly useful remedy, a condition favorable to a person’s fulfillment of his religious and moral purpose.”

These moods, as S. M. Zarin rightly emphasizes, arise in connection with the knowledge of true good, on the one hand, and because of the awareness of the depravity of our life, on the other. They are supported by the contemplation of the bliss of Eternal Life and the desire for perfection. Contemplating the infinite ideal, a person not only feels more deeply and more clearly realizes the imperfection of human nature in general, but at the same time - and this is fundamentally important - he begins to feel the imperfection of his own personality. In this case, this feeling becomes an active stimulus for the religious and moral development of a person.

The state described above in Orthodox asceticism is called sadness “for God” (for God, for God’s sake).

According to the testimony of St. Isaac the Syrian, sadness becomes useful for us only in one case, when it is sadness “for God.” Sorrow “for God” “arises from repentance of sins or from the desire for perfection, or from contemplation of future bliss. A heart filled with sadness about weakness and powerlessness in obvious physical affairs replaces all these bodily affairs.”

Sorrow “for God” is one of the essential and initial moments Christian faith necessary for salvation. Its difference lies in the fact that it finds its religious and moral foundation, support and main goal precisely in God. A person experiences acute dissatisfaction with his condition (and at the same time feels the impossibility of changing this situation on his own) precisely insofar as this condition becomes a significant obstacle to achieving the only goal valuable to him - the desire for God.

Thus, sadness in this “good” direction helps to maintain activity in a person and encourages him to perform an ascetic feat. This feat of all-round improvement is expressed both in the cleansing of a person from passions and in his acquisition of the most important Christian virtues. The Monk Isaac the Syrian called such “sadness of mind” a precious gift of God.

The state of sadness “for God” differs from the destructive passion we described above in that a person painfully feels within himself the discrepancy between the soul’s desire for God and the desire to achieve this on his own. The main goal of his life becomes God, and not the satisfaction of his own thoughts, desires and passions and not caring about his earthly existence. Being in a state of “ordinary” sadness, a person withdraws into himself, but sorrow “for God” most often leads to the acquisition of Divine grace (for it is said: Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you (Matthew 7:7), and the destructive passions of sadness and despair without repentance can cause hopeless melancholy, apathy and inactivity, paralysis of will and abilities.

The spiritual state that Archimandrite Sophrony writes about and which is psychologically close to a state of despair, however, has its own significant characteristics. Such despair is not based on fear of revealing secret sins or pride, but on insatiable zeal for God. This is a more intense and acute manifestation of grief “for God.” For convenience of presentation, we will further call this state despair “according to God.”

The spiritual state of a person is close in content when speaking about the sacrament of repentance: “What characterizes it (the sacrament of repentance - A.G.) most of all is a painful fracture of the will. Man insulted God; We must now burn in the fire of unwashed judgment. The penitent experiences the illnesses of those giving birth, and in the feelings of the heart in some way touches the torments of hell. In the penitent, the horrors of almost despair, then the breath of the joy of mercy are replaced by one another.”

Father Sophrony uses the terrible word “despair” to describe the extreme suffering felt by a soul that has felt the grace of God and then lost it, in order to emphasize the strength that this sadness “according to God” can achieve.

The Monk Silouan of Athos writes on this occasion about “despondency of the heart”: “When the Lord visits, the soul knows that the dear Guest was and left, and the soul misses Him, and tearfully seeks Him: “Where are You, my Light, where are You, My joy? Your footprints are fragrant in my soul, but You are not there, and my soul misses You, and my heart is sad and hurts, and nothing cheers me anymore, because I offended the Lord, and He hid from me." The Monk Silouan notes that the feeling of the love and grace of the Lord is lost by us “for pride and vanity, for hostility towards a brother, for condemning a brother, for envy, for a lustful thought, for addiction to earthly things,” etc.

As already noted, such a temptation is not often allowed by God. Not all Orthodox believers experience such intense suffering, such zealous sorrow “for God.” This is confirmed by other spiritual writers. Thus, Saint Theophan the Recluse notes that the search for God occurs in different people in different ways: if for some it is “done zealously, quickly, fieryly,” then for others, on the contrary, “the matter proceeds coldly, slowly, and laboriously.” Archimandrite Sophrony obviously belongs to the first group.

Saint Theophan notes with regret that this first group is very small and rare, and such extreme zeal for God, which was later described in the works of Father Sophrony, is not often found among Christians. More often, a person, having ceased to feel the excitement of God’s grace, on the contrary, gets used to it, and again he falls into his usual mortal sins. “The more often these falling away occur,” writes Saint Theophan, “the weaker the excitement becomes, because the heart seems to get used to it, and it goes into a series of ordinary phenomena mental life.

Together with such belittlement, it moves from an energetic feeling closer and closer to thought, and finally turns into one simple thought and memory. This thought is accepted with consent for the time being, then it is only tolerated, although without displeasure, but coldly, without special attention; and then it becomes annoying, they rush to get rid of it as quickly as possible, and, finally, they feel unpleasant and disgusted from it; he is no longer loved, but hated, persecuted, persecuted. Accordingly, the conviction in the need for a better spiritual life decreases...”

Based on this, Saint Theophan strongly recommends that all believers make efforts to acquire the gift of God’s grace and use for this the slightest thoughts about the need to “change their lives and become better in their deeds and internal dispositions.”

Perhaps this state of “ultimate despair for God” is given to some ascetics for greater acquisition of God’s grace. In any case, we have no right to deny what we have not learned.

It must be emphasized that Father Sophrony does not encourage anyone to experience a state of despair “according to God.” He only shares his experience, which he, with God’s help, managed to survive. At the same time, although such zeal for God, which is reflected in the works of Father Sophrony, is not typical for modern world, it inspired many Orthodox Christians to continue their spiritual development and thereby brought numerous fruits.

Inability to overcome spiritual obstacles on your own

The despair that Father Sophrony writes about, in addition to constant zeal for God and an incessant desire for Him, has another reason - the impossibility of overcoming spiritual obstacles on one’s own. “Many times,” notes Father Sophrony, “I came to despair of myself due to my inability to constantly remain in the spirit of the commandments of Christ.”

“Seeing ourselves unable to overcome this death through our efforts, we fall into a kind of despair about our salvation. Strange as it may seem, we need to experience this painful state - experience it hundreds of times so that it is deeply etched into our consciousness. This experience of hell is useful to us. When we carry this torment within ourselves for years, decades, it becomes the constant content of our spirit, an indelible sore on the body of our life. And Christ kept the wounds from the nails of the crucifixion on His body even after the Resurrection...”

The despair that Father Sophrony is talking about here is not despair in trusting in the mercy and grace of God, characteristic of destructive passions, but despair in a zealous, irresistible desire to achieve the ideal on one’s own. Father Sophrony calls this state despair “from oneself.”

Each of us is familiar with the suffering that arises from the inability to solve the insoluble, to achieve the unattainable, to do the impossible. In itself, this desire does not carry moral certainty. The moral assessment of this aspiration depends only on the direction of our will.

Having arrived at this situation, for some time we continue to make attempts to realize our aspirations on our own, but soon we lose them and realize the impossibility of achieving the planned result. This feeling, which is usually also called despair, was apparently experienced by Father Sophrony.

As S. M. Zarin notes, “stormy impulses, according to the laws of mental life, must be followed by a reaction in the form of a weakening, decline in mental energy. And this decline actually sets in, expressed in new affective states of sadness and despondency” (and the latter, as we have already noted, is akin to despair).

The Lord gave man free will, and He expects from us our own efforts in spiritual improvement. Such human efforts are, in particular, one of the most important conditions spiritual warfare. Therefore, there is nothing sinful in these efforts themselves. But these own human efforts have their limits. What is impossible with men is possible with God (Luke 18:27). A man in the process of his spiritual growth sooner or later he begins to feel it. And the Holy Fathers felt this especially strongly and acutely. A serious internal contradiction arises that requires resolution.

Resolving the contradiction of despair from oneself “according to God”

“Grace-filled despair,” which Father Sophrony writes about, despair of oneself “according to God,” finds its resolution in the acquisition of God’s grace. Going through severe spiritual suffering, through exhaustion, a person becomes spiritually purer, “more transparent” to God.

The resolution of “graceful despair”, spiritual cleansing is a gift of God. It is the Lord who sends His light, His deliverance, which the ascetic’s soul so longs for, so earnestly prays for, having felt the impossibility of acquiring grace through one’s own strength and deeds: “It is far from joyful to see oneself “beggar”, to realize one’s blindness,” Father Sophrony testifies. “It’s extremely painful to hear a death sentence against myself for being who I am.” However, in the eyes of my Creator I am blessed precisely for the knowledge of my nothingness (cf. Matt. 5:3).

I must see Christ “as He is” in order to compare myself with Him, and from this comparison feel my “ugliness.” My self-loathing was and still is strong. But out of this horror, a prayer of special despair was born in me, plunging me into a sea of ​​​​tears. At that time I did not see any way to my healing; It seemed to me that my ugliness could not be transformed into the likeness of His beauty. And this crazy prayer, which shook my entire being, attracted the compassion of the Most High God to me, and His Light shone in the darkness of my existence. Through the hell of my hopelessness came heavenly deliverance..."

Many Holy Fathers and ascetics spoke about God’s help, which comes in the most difficult and crucial moments of life, associated, in particular, with the refusal to rely only on own strength and with trust in God. Thus, Saint Ignatius (Brianchaninov) emphasizes: “Your cross is vanity and fruitless if, through following Christ, it is not transformed into the cross of Christ.” “The cross is still painful as long as it remains its own. When he is transformed into the cross of Christ, he receives extraordinary lightness.”

Having received God's help and felt His grace, the ascetic does not stop there. Having received a respite from spiritual warfare and the spiritual experience of condemning himself, he, as Father Sophrony writes, “again goes to stand over the abyss.”

“Keep your mind in hell and do not despair”

The Monk Silouan of Athos received a revelation from the Lord: “Keep your mind in hell and do not despair.” For ordinary person, including a believer, keeping the mind in hell is unbearable. However, by constantly praying for the whole world, the ascetic gradually acquires the ability to plunge into hell without falling into a state of despair. There is no need to despair, evidence of this Reverend Silouan, “for the Lord is infinitely merciful and loves us.”

As Father Sophrony notes, only a few can keep their minds in hell and not despair. “From constant participation in this feat,” he writes, “the soul acquires a special habit and endurance, so that the memory of hell is so absorbed by the soul that it becomes almost irresistible. The need for such constancy is caused by the fact that a person “living in the world and bearing flesh” is constantly exposed to the influences of the sin that surrounds him, from which, like armor, the soul is protected by the fact that it humbles itself even to the depths of hell.”

The ascetic, with a special internal movement, descends with his soul to hell, and the fire of hell burns and burns out the passions in him.

Explaining the revelation of the Monk Silouan “Keep your mind in hell and do not despair,” Archimandrite Sophrony (Sakharov) writes: “Keeping yourself in hell was not new for him. Before the appearance of the Lord, he [Elder Silouan] remained in it. New in God's instructions - “and do not despair.” Previously he had reached despair; now again, after many years of difficult struggle, frequent abandonment of God, he experienced hours, if not despair, then still close to him suffering. The memory of seeing the Lord did not allow him to reach his final despair, but the suffering from the loss of grace was no less severe. Or rather, what he was experiencing was also despair, but of a different kind than the first. For so many years, despite all the labors that were extremely possible for his strength, he did not achieve what he wanted and therefore lost hope of ever achieving it.”

“Blessed Elder Silouan said that many ascetics, approaching the state necessary for cleansing from passions, despair and therefore cannot go further. But the one who knows that “the Lord loves us a lot” avoids the destructive effect of final despair and knows how to wisely stand on the edge of it, so that with the power of hellish flame he burns every passion in himself, and at the same time does not become a victim of despair.” The Monk Silouan himself, as Archimandrite Sophrony testifies, sometimes, at the beginning of his spiritual achievement, also fell into despair, but, by the grace of God, he came out of it “with benefit.”

According to Father Sophrony, Elder Silouan was plunging into hell, but “by returning to the memory of God’s love, he avoided despair.” At the same time, “the ultimate human suffering, bearable by nature, is combined with the ultimate bliss, bearable by human nature.”

Archimandrite Sophrony writes that many ascetics “went through painful mental fluctuations, through torment of conscience from the consciousness of their depravity and untruth before God, through destructive doubts and a painful struggle with passions. They knew the states of hellish torment, the heavy darkness of despair, indescribable melancholy and the sorrow of being abandoned by God.” And in this struggle they generated an invaluable experience of spiritual warfare and humility. According to the testimony of St. Silouan of Athos, “The Lord taught me to keep my mind in hell and not to despair, and thus my soul is humbled.”

In conclusion, I would like to once again quote the words of Archimandrite Sophrony, which can sum up all of the above: “The Lord gave me the grace of despair; and even more than this: holy hatred for my sin, that is, for me, for myself, fused with sin, the stench of which is similar poisonous gas. It is impossible to heal through your own efforts. In complete despair of myself, as I am, the only thing left is to rush to God with hopeless hope.”

Despair... A feeling that is familiar to everyone. A feeling that no one is happy about. Is it possible to fight it? How not to fall into despair?

When do we despair?

I don't envy people in creative professions. Having received an education as an actor, I realized how difficult it is for the psyche to work in such a field. Today, many glorify creative professions, not realizing that they include not only creative joys, but also unbearable creative crises. And each such crisis can be accompanied by an attack of despair. Why does it happen? Because in creativity there is no ready-made scheme. We don't know what to do if the role doesn't work. It doesn’t work - that’s all! At least do something! You go out on stage and feel like you are missing, missing... Nothing arises, everything is flat, strained, mediocre, unbearable... Although yesterday everything was going well! And we know that we cannot tell the audience, the director, the partners: “Sorry, I’ll probably take a short vacation and won’t appear on set in the next couple of weeks.” More precisely, so to speak, of course, it is possible... But then you will have to look for another theater. Moreover, almost all performances are rehearsed in two or three casts... Therefore, if you you can’t cope with this uninvited crisis right now, it is likely that tomorrow you will find yourself in the crowd again. How not to fall into despair in such a situation?

Another example. Young mom. Tired. I'm exhausted. Didn't sleep half the night. The house is a mess. There is no food. She herself is scary, like a zombie, and dissatisfied with herself. And the child keeps screaming and screaming... Who hasn’t encountered such a situation? How do you cope with the onset of despair?

And the third situation. Nothing seemed to happen. Everything is as always, everything is fine. But there is some anxiety inside. You try to somehow cope with it, you start to meditate, work with awareness... But it doesn’t work, that’s all... There is no awareness. No, whatever you do. Mindfulness slips through your fingers, leaving you with that nagging anxiety.... At some point, despair also appears.

What do all these situations have in common?

1) Lack of vital energy. Fatigue. There is no strength to move forward. As long as we have the strength, we are ready to fight and decide something. As long as we have energy, we do not give up or despair.

3)Inability to leave the situation and rest. We need to solve the problem right now. We cannot relax, put our thoughts in order, and look at the problem from the other side. Time is running out. More precisely, it seems to us that time is running out. In most cases, we can find at least 10 minutes to stop... But illusion of pressure doesn't allow us to do this.

4) Misunderstanding that the main problem is inside, not outside. We concentrate so much on external difficulties that we forget the main thing... Despair is the result of internal disharmony, internal tension. And before we can deal with outside world, must be allowed the problem that is inside. It is necessary to neutralize this despair that binds us hand and foot.

How to deal with feelings of despair?

1) Let's stop. First we just stop. Let’s stop this hysterical internal dialogue (“I can’t do anything! Everything is falling apart for me! I can’t do anything! Etc.”). Be silent for about a minute. Look around... Feel your hands... Shoulders... Head... Feel your whole body... This will be enough to just stop.

2) As always, we start with accepting the situation and yourself. We repeat the mantra “I love myself, approve of myself and accept myself!”, we tell ourselves affectionate compliments... If you wish, you can spend 10-15 minutes on self-care: a face mask, makeup or a bath. This will help you get distracted, calm down and look at the problem from a different angle.

3) After you have calmed down a bit, start explore your emotions. Become aware of your feelings, consider them from all sides, observe your inner state... Observe the whole situation as if from the outside. Try to see something funny, ridiculous in the situation... By looking at your problem more consciously, you will understand that your despair is not worth it.

4) The most difficult thing. Let go of the situation. Tell yourself - come what may! Keep doing what you have to do, but don't worry about the result. Your worries will not make the problem go away. Quite the contrary. Value yourself. Take care of your health. Nothing is more important than you mental health, your well-being, your peace of mind. So let go and relax.

Tell us how you cope with attacks of despair? How often do you feel despair?

Love yourself! Take care of your health!

anonymously

Hello! Yesterday was my mother's funeral. She died suddenly of a heart attack in my arms on January 1st. Since that day, I lost sleep, almost lost my appetite, and had a reluctance to do my daily duties (I could barely force myself to wash the floors and dishes). There is an irresistible desire to talk about my mother to anyone who is willing to listen. I don’t have my own family, and my relatives cannot give me as much attention as I feel I need. I don't blame them, but I understand. They have their own lives, their own affairs, and now there are holidays. They already helped me arrange everything I needed. But it’s very difficult for me to cope with my pain alone, when no one will sit next to me, hold my hand, or listen. I'm afraid of going crazy and I'm afraid that now New Year For me it will be lost forever, like a holiday. How can I cope and survive this?

anonymously

Hello! Thank you for the answer! A month and a half has passed since my mother's death. I want to say that keeping a diary, where I described my emotions and turned to my mother, helped me significantly. From time to time I re-read these entries from the very beginning, cry and relief comes. But I still feel that I can’t believe what happened (despite the fact that she died in my arms), and as soon as thoughts about my mother come, I try to immediately occupy myself with something, think about something else. Yesterday I was able to look at my mother’s photographs and again caught myself thinking that I couldn’t get my head around her death. This is fine? How long can such reluctance to come to terms with the death of your mother last?

Instructions

Master the technique of calm presence. This means maintaining conscious calm while perceiving the events happening around you. Observe everything that happens impartially and carefully, like a video camera. It should not evoke emotions in you, but be perceived as a sequence of facts.

How to develop this in yourself? Start by practicing the skill of contemplating a landscape that is pleasing to the eye: water, forests, paintings, etc. Then train yourself to look at people calmly and without emotion. Do not look away, without twitching or making unnecessary gestures. Next, train yourself to look at a whole group of people without experiencing emotions. And then start practicing a calm presence surrounded by people who want to throw you out of balance.

Once you master the technique of calm presence, you will be able to look at any situation without fear, emotions and personal expectations. Develop the habit of being in a state of calm presence; this will be a reliable remedy against various manipulations, will help you act effectively in stressful and unfamiliar situations, and will also promote acceptance. right decisions. They will rely not on emotions, but on common sense.

Master the technique of mental insurance. You can insure your experiences against loss. How to do it? Divide everything that is significant to you into three groups: people, things, events. The technique of mental insurance consists of four stages. The first is greeting. Let's say you bought mobile phone. Greet him, feel that he has now become your dear and close thing. Accept him into your life (second stage). And then, while your soul has not yet grown attached to him, say goodbye to him. Imagine that it no longer exists, because sooner or later it will be replaced by another model (third stage). Then - the fourth stage, the most important. Ask yourself this question: would you be happy if you no longer had this phone? By answering in the affirmative, you will understand that life continues after the loss of things, and after the loss of people, as well as after the events that happened to you.

The more things, events and people you “drive” through the method of mental insurance in this way, the more invulnerable you will become. Master it step by step, first things and events, then people. In addition to emotional stability, the mental insurance technique will teach you to take care of everything that you will sooner or later lose.

Know how to distinguish mental insurance from negative programming. It is done against the background of fear of loss, while insurance is your conscious action, which you carry out against the background of a relaxed and calm state of mind. Negative programming leads to the development of the fear of losing something, while insurance teaches you to perceive losses as inevitable and completely experienceable, allowing you to treat objects and people dear to you with care and attention.

Video on the topic

There are circumstances when even a calm, polite, non-conflict person can be overwhelmed by very strong emotions. Perhaps the most dangerous of them is rage, that is, anger that has reached highest degree. A person overwhelmed by rage loses the ability to reason sensibly and react adequately. He can do literally anything at such a moment, without giving any account of his words or actions. It is easy to understand that this is very dangerous both for the person himself and for those around him.

Instructions

Of course, each person is unique and inimitable, first of all in terms of and. What is easy for a calm person is almost inaccessible to a hot-tempered choleric person. However, always remember the wise rule: “A person should not become a slave to his emotions.” Learn to dominate them, control yourself.

For example: your interlocutor offended you by making a gross tactlessness. You feel like you are ready to “explode” and attack him with your fists. As difficult as it may be, first mentally count to ten. Surely the outburst of rage will pass, replaced by disgusted condescension: well, what can you take from this ill-mannered ignorant. And then you can limit yourself to an icy rebuke. After all, even with words you can “whip” so much that it doesn’t seem like enough.

Or it was just a crazy day at work - as they say, you wouldn’t wish it on your enemy. And then your colleagues, as if by agreement, made mistakes that you had to correct. And the picky boss exhausted all the nerves by presenting a bunch of unfair claims. Inside, one step away from uncontrollable rage. What should I do? Take a break for any reason. Go out into the hallway or outside for at least a short time. Smoke a cigarette (if you are a smoker), drink a cup of tea or coffee. As a last resort, “take out” your emotions on some object.

This fail-safe method helps a lot in the fight against it: crumple up a piece of paper and throw it somewhere away. As a last resort, hit the table or wall with your fist with all your heart - just try to avoid injury.

If situations that bring you to the point where you are ready to fly into a rage are repeated over and over again, you can (preferably in consultation with your doctor) take anti-anxiety medications. At the first opportunity, take walks, get out of town, into nature - this will help relieve nervous tension.

Do physical exercise, organize your daily routine. Try to receive as many positive emotions as possible and avoid any negativity.

Video on the topic

A crisis is a test for everyone. Every day a person encounters its manifestations in a store, at a gas station and at home. The media is escalating the situation, there is a threat of dismissal at work, and there are many unresolved problems in the family. But in order to survive at this turning point, you need to protect yourself from negativity and rethink your life.

Instructions

Free yourself from the flow unnecessary information. Arrange for yourself fasting days from the news on TV. Typically, psychologists set 21 days of rest from the flow of information. Even if you need to be aware latest events, look at news headlines on the Internet, but don't read the details. It is better to satisfy your hunger for information by reading books, entertainment magazines and listening to music.

Protect yourself from negativity. Don't let other people involve you in conversations about crisis, war and disasters. Leave the discussion similar topics, laugh it off. And it’s even better to protect yourself from meeting such “sufferers.” Don’t take on anyone’s negativity, don’t let anyone “vampire” you. An unstable economic situation is an excellent reason to rid yourself of an undesirable environment.

Allow yourself little joys every day. For some it may be ice cream, for others it may be shoes. But the point is that you are worthy of encouragement. Don't curse yourself that you can't radically change the situation now. But you can control your life. Separate your life and the life of your family from society at large. Try to live autonomously, without tying yourself to world problems.

If during a crisis you had to change your job to a lower paying one, treat this only as another milestone in your life. Work is not your whole life. Constantly review vacancies, study remotely, participate in trainings. Review remote work offers. Don't be afraid to lose your regalia. If you are offered a job in a smaller position but with a higher salary, accept it. Career no one has canceled yet.

Clean up your house. Get rid of unnecessary things. By the way, you can sell a lot, exchange something, distribute it among relatives, and receive a jar in return homemade jam. Now is generally the time to unite family ties. A large, friendly family has a better chance of surviving instability with minimal losses. A crisis can also bring a change in gender roles, when a woman becomes the breadwinner, and a man takes on household chores. But you need to understand that this is a temporary phenomenon, and not to play around with it.

Continue to live an active life. If you used to fly to Europe once a month for a weekend, now you have the opportunity to explore the surrounding areas of your city. Look for affordable entertainment. For example, on the third Sunday of every month, admission to some museums is free. Religion helps some. This makes it easier to look at your problems abstractly, ask your confessor for advice, and reorient your values.