How to get rid of envy? How to get rid of envy: surefire ways

Today I will answer the question how to get rid of envy stop envying people. Envy is a common vice that is reflected in different cultures and traditions. For example, in Catholic theology, envy is one of the seven deadly sins, associated with other vices and crimes.

Indeed, because of envy, many terrible actions are committed, which people later regret. But even if a person does not splash out envy, it eats him up from the inside, causing him to experience senseless pain and frustration due to the fact that other people have things that this person would like to have or possess. personal qualities, which the envious person wants to possess.

This pain is meaningless because it does not lead to anything other than suffering. Envy, dissatisfaction, which is learned by comparing ourselves with other people, does not bring us closer to what we envy so much: money, attention, social status, external attractiveness. Instead of sharing the joy of success with another person or using their example as life lesson, we envy, subconsciously wish him failure, cultivate hatred for ourselves and suffer ourselves.

But the insidiousness of envy lies not only in the fact that it causes other vices, such as hatred, intolerance, irritation and despondency. The fact is that envy cannot be satisfied. No matter how rich we are, someone will still be richer than us. If we receive a lot of attention from the opposite sex, then in any case we will someday meet people who are more physically attractive than us. And if we are the undoubted leader in one thing, then there will always be people who will surpass you in something else. The outside world will not allow us to completely satisfy our feelings of envy.

How to stop being jealous of people

All this does not mean that this feeling cannot be gotten rid of. But in order to do this, it is necessary to direct influence on the mental mechanisms of the appearance of this feeling themselves, and not on objects outside world, which supposedly cause this feeling. After all, the reasons for all your emotions and desires lie within you. I hope this article will help you overcome these reasons. I'll tell you how you need to work on yourself to achieve this.

1 - Don't feed your envy

Many people, when they begin to envy, instinctively try to stop envy in the following way. For example, they are offended by the fact that their neighbor has more money than them. To cope with this feeling, they begin to think: “So what if he is richer? But I'm smarter, I got it better education and my wife, although not as beautiful, is younger than his.”

Such arguments cool envy a little and allow you to feel more worthy and developed person than your neighbor, whose wealth probably came from dishonest means.

This is the natural train of thought of a person experiencing envy. Many psychological articles give advice along the same lines: “Think about your strengths and good qualities. Find what you are better at than other people!”

Also, such sources recommend looking for what is hidden behind the external well-being of the object of envy, suggesting that you pacify your envy by thinking that the people you envy may not be as good as they seem from the outside.

Perhaps your neighbor's wealth is not easy to come by, he has to invest a lot of effort and, most likely, he does not even have time to spend all this money. And his wife, perhaps, has the character of a bitch and takes out all her anger on her neighbor when he returns from tiring work.

In my opinion, such advice does not serve the purpose of eliminating envy, although it would seem to correspond to common sense considerations. Why do I think this?

Because when you try to cope with your envy in a similar way, you continue to indulge it, feed it. After all, you don’t make this “demon” of envy shut up. Instead, you politely reassure him with a feeling of your own superiority over others or with the knowledge that everything is not as good for strangers as it seems. Is this how you can defeat this “demon”? After all, he will gratefully swallow these arguments, but he will become full only for a while!

It’s the same as throwing a hungry and angry dog ​​a bone so that he will occupy his mouth with something and stop barking and gnawing the bars of the cage in which he sits. But he will still gnaw the bone sooner or later. She will not satisfy his appetite, but will only excite him even more! And his fangs will become sharper, sharpened on the bone.

Therefore, I believe that there is no need to feed your envy with such admonitions. This does not mean that you should consider yourself worse than others in everything. This means simply accepting what is, not wishing any people failure and not putting yourself above others.

The “demon” of envy will die only when you stop feeding it with fruits from the tree of your conceit.

I have to apply this principle in my life quite often. For example, I notice that my friend has a great sense of humor, much better than me. I instinctively begin to think: “but I speak and express my thoughts better than him...”. But then I interrupt myself: "Stop! No “buts”. Just at my friend's better feeling humor than mine. This is a fact. That's all."

This calm acceptance that someone is better than you in something without any “indulgences” from your Ego requires a certain courage. But this is the only way to defeat your vice and starve the “demon” of envy.

Of course, this alone is not enough. It may not be clear to everyone how to achieve this. Next I will try to give other tips that will help you admit without unnecessary emotions that you are not an ideal person and there are people who are better than you in some ways. I don't want to say that you should completely resign yourself to this and not improve your qualities. Not at all. I will also tell you in this article what self-development has to do with envy. But first things first.

2 - Get rid of the sense of justice

Envy is often associated with our ideas of fairness. It seems to us that our (long-suffering) neighbor does not deserve the money he earns. You should earn this kind of money, because you are smart, educated, intelligent, not like your neighbor, who is not interested in anything other than beer and football, and you even doubt whether he graduated from school.

Dissatisfaction is born due to the discrepancy between reality and your expectations., frustration. But it is important to understand that ideas about justice exist only in your head! You think, “actually, I should be earning more than I am.” Who do they owe it to? Or why should they? The world exists according to its own laws, which do not always correspond to your concepts of right and wrong, fair and unfair.

This world doesn't "owe" you anything. Everything in it happens as it happens and in no other way.

When you begin to think about injustice done to you, you look at it from the perspective of those things that you do not have, but are present in someone else and are the objects of your envy. But for some reason you don’t think about the things you already have.

You ask: “Why don’t I have such an expensive car like my neighbor, where is the justice?”
But you don’t ask: “Why do I have a house and someone else doesn’t? Why can I even want this car, and some people are born disabled, with severe physical limitations and cannot even think about women or cars?”

Why don't you ask where justice is in the latter case? Do you really think that injustice is being done only to you?

That's the way the world is. It doesn't always meet our expectations. Get rid of all the “shoulds.” .

3 - Wish people well

Learn to enjoy other people's successes, and not suffer because of them. If your friend or close person achieved some success, then that’s good! This is a person close to you, to whom you probably wish well and prosperity, since you feel sympathy or love for him (otherwise he would not be your friend).

And it’s just great if this friend bought himself new apartment in Moscow or married a smart and beautiful woman. Try to be happy for him! Of course, when you try to do this, you will be met with a feeling of injustice: “Why does he have this and I don’t?”

Instead, think about the fact that at least one of you has something and that is better than if neither of you had it.

"I" and other "I"

Many human vices stem from the fact that we cling very strongly to our “I”, believing that the desires, thoughts, needs of this “I” are much more important than the needs of someone else’s “I”.

And envy also comes from this attachment. We believe that the fact that we have or do not have certain things matters much more than whether other people have those things. Technically, it makes no difference whether you or your neighbor drives an expensive SUV. It’s just that the jeep belongs to someone and someone uses it. But from within your Self, this fact takes on enormous significance. It is important for you that you have this jeep, it is you, your “I”, who gets pleasure from driving it, and not the “I” of someone else! There is nothing surprising here. It was nature that made man such that he puts his own “I” at the center of all existence.

But this does not mean that this order of things is final and unchangeable. People very rarely think about the following thing: “why is suddenly my happiness and satisfaction so much more important than the happiness and satisfaction of another person?” If they thought about this more often, then, in my opinion, they would have a chance to understand that their “I” is not the most important thing in the world, that strangers are various “I”s, each of which has something wants just like you, strives for something just like you, suffers and rejoices just like you.

And this understanding should open a person’s way to compassion and empathy, which will allow him to share someone else’s joy and better understand someone else’s suffering. This is not just some moral ideal, it is a way to stop clinging to own desires, as the most important thing in the world and to gain independence from these desires and from the fact that we cannot satisfy all desires.

How more people considers his “I” to be the most important thing in the world, the more he suffers.

5 - Think about development!

It happens that envy appears for the reason that other people's successes and merits remind us of our own imperfections and shortcomings. Compared to other people, we begin to seem like losers, weak people and this causes an acute feeling of dissatisfaction with oneself and envy.

But even if we are indeed worse than others in some ways, this does not mean that this will always be the case! It is from the belief that our personality cannot change and go beyond our innate abilities that it forms many vices: painful conceit, intolerance for failure, rejection of criticism and envy.

A person with such an attitude, instead of developing, directs all his efforts to prove that he is better, smarter than others from birth. Prove, first of all, to yourself. But reality will not always echo his expectations, causing acute disappointment and rejection. This point was brilliantly discussed in the book.

We can develop the qualities in ourselves that we envy when we see other people.

After all, if we think about our qualities in this way, then there will be fewer reasons for envy, because the unfavorable verdicts that we make to ourselves, comparing ourselves with other people, will not be final! We will stop focusing on our supposedly unchangeable imperfection, which is most clearly manifested against the backdrop of the merits of others, and we will strive to change. We can become better and get closer to what we envy so much.

Of course, the idea that we can become as smart (or rich) as our friend if we put in the effort and become (or learn to make money) can inspire a person and help him cope with feelings of envy of a friend.

But, nevertheless, you should not completely convert envy into motivation for development. After all, if we develop only in order to become better than some people, then we will suffer the notorious disappointment. Firstly, someone will still be better than us. Secondly, we still won’t be able to develop some qualities much. No matter how much we want it, we can't get the looks of a Hollywood actor. Thirdly, our expectations and hopes will not always be realized. Even with titanic efforts, we may not achieve what we so desired.

Therefore, on the one hand, you should develop your qualities because it will help you become better and happier, and not in order to feed your pride. On the other hand, you need to accept yourself as you are, especially where you cannot change yourself and be prepared for the fact that your plans will not come true. It's a delicate balance between the desire to develop, become better, self-acceptance and readiness for anything. If you find this balance, you will become much happier and less jealous of other people.

6 - Be prepared to take responsibility for the path you choose

Each person chooses his own path. This choice does not necessarily happen only once in a lifetime. This path is like a forked road with frequent forks. Different paths have different advantages. And the advantages that exist on one path may not exist on another.

Therefore, there is no need to compare your path with the path of another person, because you yourself made your choice, and the other person also made their choice.

If your used car with a rumbling engine is overtaken on the highway by a huge, shiny SUV, driving which you recognize someone you know, then know that this person is following his own path, different from yours.

Perhaps at one time you relied on freedom from daily work, a large number of time that you can devote to yourself or your family, and not to making money. Whereas the man in the jeep decided that he would spend a lot of time at work constantly thinking about how to earn more. He took risks, strived for more and as a result of his efforts he was able to afford to buy this jeep.

Everyone chose their own and received what was due in their choice, you - freedom and personal life, someone else - money.

But the choice is not always conscious. Maybe your friend with an expensive car at one time chose the opportunity to work for his future, to get a good education and work. And at the same time, you preferred momentary pleasure to your future: you skipped classes at the institute, went for walks, drank and had fun. And this is also a choice, although you might not be aware of it.

Therefore, be prepared to bear responsibility for the consequences of your choices. This is your path and you choose it yourself. And by the way, you can always change it. Then what can you be jealous of?

But if, say, you and your friend initially chose the same thing: education, then work and money, but the result is different for each of you: you drive a junk car, and he drives a beautiful jeep. You work as much as he does, but do not get significant results. What to do in this case? And here we come again to the concept of justice.

What determines your path?

You can accept that your path is determined not only by your choice, but also by the direction of the road, obstacles on your course, and the length of your legs. That is, it depends on random circumstances, luck, your abilities, meetings with other people along the way, etc.

If this is so, then everything falls into place. It turns out that no two paths can be the same, every path is unique. And the result of this path was formed under the influence of many, many factors, that is, this result cannot be called accidental. It existed within the framework of cause-and-effect relationships, which determined the final result. That is, everything happened the way it should have happened and no other way. Maybe this is real justice, which lies in the fact that everything happens in accordance with some order incomprehensible to man? (I'm not talking about karma or anything like that, I'm just talking about cause-and-effect relationships that we can't comprehend with our minds.)

I understand that I went into philosophy, but I want to say that all these arguments can be applied in life. Understand that the fact that you are driving old car didn't just happen. This result was prepared by many events in your life, destinies were involved in it different people. This was your path.

Even if you couldn’t always make your choice and decide where to move, but what happened, happened. That is life.

7 - Think about the value of what you envy

Whatever a person strives for, he does not achieve the happiness that his imagination promises him.

Therefore, in principle, there are no such material things that are worth envying at all. Since there is actually no significant difference between whether you have them or not. I understand that this statement seems very controversial to some, but if you think about it, it’s true. Remember your childhood, were you more unhappy then than now, due to the fact that you did not have the attributes of adult life (car, money, etc.)? And when you got these things, did you become any happier than before?

I don't think so. But what can be said not about material things, but about some personal qualities. Intelligence, beauty, charisma, etc. In fact, these qualities, just like material things, also do not make people happier (at least not always). They can form a short contentment, fleeting pleasure, but it cannot be said that beautiful and clever man happy all the time just because he is like that! He gets used to these attributes as well as to a yacht or a car! Moreover, beauty (and intelligence too) are not eternal. Someday they will begin to fade. And then the one who was attached to these things will feel acute dissatisfaction and even suffering!

Therefore, there are practically no things to be envious of. Because many of them do not bring the expected happiness! Doesn't have special significance, in principle, a smart person or a stupid person, beautiful or ugly. By by and large everyone has similar fates: from a billionaire to a beggar, from a top model to a seasoned housewife. After all, it cannot be said that one of them is much happier than the other.

This is a rather strange statement for an article on a site dedicated to self-development. “Why develop if it makes no difference what happens in the end?” - You ask. I must answer this that, firstly, I never thought about self-development for the sake of self-development. I considered all the qualities that need to be developed only from the perspective of the possibility of achieving happiness, as tools of this happiness, and not an end in itself. Secondly, I don’t want to say that there is no difference at all between whether you are smart or stupid, rich or poor. You just don’t need to get attached to these things and believe that the one who possesses them certainly rests on some happy Olympus and therefore these are the things you lack for happiness.

Why did I take happiness as what defines a trait? human destiny. Because all people, consciously or not, strive for happiness. But most of them choose the wrong path and, even having achieved fabulous wealth and power, do not come there. I talked about this in my article.

Conclusion - Envy prevents us from learning from other people

Why is envy considered such a great vice? I already said at the beginning that it does not bring any benefit, but only suffering. It prevents us from sharing their joy with other people. But there is another reason. Envy prevents us from learning from other people. Instead of looking at their merits and merits and striving for them, we silently suffer because of envy, secretly wishing for these people to fail.

The peculiarity of negative emotions is such that they force a person to become fixated on themselves, depriving his mind of mobility and choice: such a person can only think about one thing. But openness, sincerity, respect and empathy give our minds more freedom. And he gets the opportunity to learn something new.

If you stop being envious, then the other person’s world will no longer be an object for comparison, but will become an open book from which you can extract a lot of useful things for yourself. By freeing your mind from envy, you will be able to understand other people more deeply.

I hope my advice will help you overcome envy. But if you are still caught off guard by this feeling, remember that it is just a feeling that you do not have to obey. Stop suffering because of the thoughts that this feeling communicates to you. Just relax and observe this feeling from the outside without any thoughts. This always helps!

One of the seven deadly sins, which means a long-known human vice that eats people from the inside at all times and in all countries, is envy. Someone boasts that he is not under her control, knowing that he keeps her in his heart, another calls her “white,” trying to whiten his own name. One way or another, perhaps everyone has experienced at least minor envy at least once in their life. We are not all saints. But this is wrong, especially if it develops into a constantly experienced feeling. So how do you get rid of this? How to stop being jealous?

What is this?

Envy is dissatisfaction with other people's successes. This is the feeling that gnaws at the heart if a neighbor bought an expensive car, and a friend new guy. If an unwanted colleague was appointed to lead the project instead of us, or a distant relative goes abroad, but we don’t! All this is defined precisely by the word “envy”.

People say that a person is interested in someone else's life only when he does not have his own. They also claim that the neighbor’s sun is always brighter and the grass is greener. All this suggests that it is not for nothing that envy was dubbed a mortal sin long before our century, and it was known even in the times of paganism, since it was preserved in proverbs. In addition, there are also quotes about envy. And they have also been known for a long time. Religions even provide prayer for envy. However, this does not explain why people are jealous at all.

Who is worse off from this?

Envy is a very sad feeling. After all, in fact, the only thing worse from it is the envious person himself, who only “spits poison” at everyone, and even then it is mostly harmless. Because he only poisons his own life, he suffers, sometimes he complains, but this is not something that usually evokes sympathy from those around him.

The problem comes from childhood

Many people have a bad habit of comparing themselves, their lives and everything else with others. Why? Do people envy because they compare or do they compare because they are jealous? It's worth looking into this.

The subconscious perception of “me and others” is laid down in childhood. Unfortunately, too many parents try to teach their children to, well, good things, using for this is not very good methods. They say: “Look how cute Kristinochka is, that’s how it should be!” or “Study like Masha,” or “You see, Petya plays sports, and you... Eh.” And the child is faced with the problem of what he cannot do like someone else, because he is him, but the parents are not satisfied with this.

So a child grows up with the constant thought that the other, no matter who he is, is obviously better. And he begins to envy those who do not have the shortcomings that his mother and father reproached him with.

Psychological theories

Following Jung, by the way, there is a certain meaning in such actions of parents. The famous psychologist believed that envy can awaken in a person a thirst for new achievements, turning shortcomings into advantages. They say that an introverted child grows up to be a famous politician; poor health is sometimes a catalyst for playing sports and winning in this field. Carl Jung argued that everyone famous people there was some drawback. Maybe it is so, let’s say, in some cases it will tip the scales towards something good. But for the most part, unfortunately, it turns out exactly the opposite. At a minimum, because children do not have a mature enough personality to be able to control their vices.

Pathological envy

A perpetually jealous child will inevitably turn into a perpetually envious adult. And he will suddenly have much more reasons for this feeling. Any phrase from another person is boasting, and any success is a reason to be angry, because “Well, everything is different as always!”

Therefore, just the thought of how to stop being envious is already the first step towards victory over your vice. After all, many are not even going to correct themselves, and this is very sad.

Black and white envy

"I envy you with white envy!" - says a friend, pursing her lips and raising her nose too high. Why is that? There is only one answer: because there is no such thing as white envy.

Any feeling of annoyance that arises at the mention of other people's successes is defined as envy. And it’s better not to deceive yourself that your low mood at the sight of your friend losing weight is just a coincidence. Yes, they say “they envy in silence,” but hiding a vice does not mean getting rid of it. And, in the end, only sincere joy for the victories of family and friends is a real absence of sin on your part, without any admixtures of black and white envy.

Competition

In economics there is the concept of pure competition. Without going into details, we can describe it as a perfect model of this phenomenon. It also applies to real life. Healthy competition allows you to improve and keep yourself in good shape in order not to lose to your opponent. The point is that this should not become a meaning, but simply be a kind of motivator assistant.

If competition reaches the peak where it becomes envy, you can no longer expect help from it - only harm. For example, its motivating effect will definitely no longer be felt. It’s a fact: envious people do little to get what they want, they just envy in silence!

A separate type: envy of other people's talents

Why is it necessary to make this a special point? Let's start with the fact that talent is a gift from above. And talented people are born this way, whether they use this gift or not, develop it or bury it in the sand. An exceptional version of this phenomenon - genius - is a very rare event. Therefore, envy of someone else's talent obviously only destroys the envier from within.

Heightened sense of justice

This is what those who believe that another person has received their benefit undeservedly like to call envy. And they are completely wrong. Fairness is when you told the cashier that he gave more change than he was supposed to. Or when he divided something equally among everyone. And if someone else’s property does not allow you to sleep peacefully, this is no longer justice. This is undisguised envy.

"I'm a little jealous"

It’s worth remembering once and for all - you won’t be able to be “a little” jealous. Here you are either jealous or not. And if the first option, it’s better to admit it to yourself right away. Let go of the negativity. And say goodbye to this once and for all.

How to fix everything?

And here he is main question: "How to stop being jealous?" First of all, you should recognize the problem and not expect easy ways to solve it. By the way, this applies not only to this topic, but to almost everything. For example, prayer against envy is one of the options for solving a problem for believers (Lord! Deliver me, God’s servant (name), from the influence of dark forces). Building a harmonious personality is a painstaking and important matter, and it requires a lot of diligence. You can read quotes about envy (“Envy knows no days off,” “Envy is poison for the heart,” etc.), you can take just the first step as much as you like, but you still have to go further.

No to comparisons!

Even if the problem of comparison was created a long time ago, and perhaps not even by you, unfortunately, it will be up to you to cope. Stop thinking about what other people have. Others have different goods, but also different problems. And this is their life, not yours. You have been given so much - the freedom is to be specifically yourself, and not someone else. You can’t get enough of someone else’s good, and, believe me, if you had the same thing as a friend, colleague, or neighbor, you wouldn’t be happier because of it.

Ask yourself one simple question

Why be jealous? Think about this question. Does this make sense? Because, as we found out, there is absolutely no benefit from this. So is it worth wasting your life on something that only poisons it? Isn't it easier to let go of this vice and allow yourself to enjoy the fact that you live on this earth?

Give up your pride

One sin leads to another. Envy is inextricably linked with pride. Thinking that you are better than others is just as bad as thinking that you are supposedly worse. Because as soon as your pride is hurt, as soon as someone buys something better, and here it is - envy, welcome, and you weren’t expecting it at all, were you?

Be humane

Envy sees other people's merits and does not see shortcomings. Take a closer look at your loved ones who, in your opinion, have an ideal life. Perhaps they need help more than ever? Your ideal will inevitably slouch. Because it doesn't exist. And mutual assistance is the basis of strong friendship, while envy is its obvious enemy.

be careful

Notice your victories just as you were vigilant towards others. Every little thing, every piece of luck - isn't this a reason to rejoice? If your diligence was enough to catch the reasons for envy, it will be enough for happiness, joy and gratitude to fate and to yourself. Don't belittle your merits. False modesty is as dangerous as arrogance. Adequate self-esteem allows you to get rid of many vices, including envy.

Turn envy to your advantage

No matter how rosy everything may sound, living by the principle “never envy” is not that difficult, but rather impossible. In this sense, the well-known aphorism “Never say never” is suitable for the topic. Therefore, you can extract the best from this vice. Perhaps you are jealous because you really want this, but still haven’t dared to take action? Get started today, right now. Start with at least an idea of ​​how you will do it - all great achievements began with ideas. But don't let envy drag you into the abyss of idleness and self-oppression; it deserves to be benefited from and then thrown away.

You can't have everything

The fact that it is impossible to have everything can sound very sad until you realize that you don’t need everything. You must know who you are. What you want, what you have achieved and will still achieve. Why do you do what you do. And then it won’t even occur to you to envy someone else’s happiness. Who said someone's light is better than your darkness? After all, for you it is brighter than a thousand other people’s suns!

Learn to trust yourself

Only within yourself can you find what you personally need. People are afraid to trust the voice of their minds because they believe that others know better. Or they don’t count, but bend under this pressure. Be stronger public opinion, go your own way, no matter what or anyone.

Consequences

Some people will never even think about how to stop being envious because they will not see any reason to do so. Pathologically unhappy people, driven into a dead end by their vice, who began to be proud of it, are a model of people in need of help. Saying that envy is bad will no longer be a sufficient argument in favor of change.

The main consequence of envy is unfulfilled dreams and buried talents. You cannot achieve your happiness if you follow someone else's path. Or, even worse, don't go at all, just watch others pick the best fruits from the tree and be maliciously jealous of why they are taller than you.

Envy is the enemy of harmony. Harmony is the key to happiness. Do not deprive yourself of it voluntarily. Ultimately, everyone deserves it. You are no worse and no better than others.

Finally

Don't blame yourself for being jealous. Don't reproach yourself for your vices in principle. But don't let them control you either. They are yours, not you are theirs.

Envy is unlikely to disappear from the world, as well as the other six sins that accompany it. They walk hand in hand, ready to embrace everyone. But let them pass by and forgive us our happiness.

In this article we will look at psychological side personality, I'm talking about envy, which is more characteristic of the female sex. First, let's answer the question what is envy, and below we’ll look at ways that will help you get rid of envy. And the sooner you stop being envious, the better for you.

What is envy?

Envy is a destructive force that is accompanied by an unpleasant inner feeling. As a result, a person feels anger and dissatisfaction. This feeling arises when you observe the success and well-being of other people.

For example, your neighbor bought a new foreign car, but, unfortunately, you cannot afford it yet. And then you are overcome by a fit of anger. You start to wonder: “Why is he so lucky, am I worse than him?” Or your friend married the man of your dreams, and again you feel anger and a sense of injustice.

Simply put, envy occurs when we want to have the same thing as others, but unfortunately do not have it. After all, if you don’t want to have a car like your neighbor, you won’t even notice that he bought it. And if you are not ready yet, then you are unlikely to envy your friend. There will be no envy if nothing touches your emotions.

It can be said that envy is comparing yourself to others. Many people say that they never envy, but this is most likely a dubious truth. Almost everyone is jealous, just some more often, some less often. Envy is constantly comparing yourself to another person. And if, as a result of comparison, you discover that you have something worse than another person, you begin to suffer. Below are statistics for the categories of envy.

And in general, envy is considered a sin, it is a feeling that destroys a person from the inside. Envy can lead to dire consequences. Therefore, it is imperative to get rid of envy, or at least envy less often.

From observation, I noticed that people are jealous more topics, whose social distance is shorter. That is, you will react more to the fact that your friend bought new shoes than to the oligarch who bought a mansion.

The most interesting thing is that many people divide envy into two types: black envy and white envy. But this is a misconception. There is no such thing as white envy. In fact, this is a kind of admiration for someone for his successes and victories. In this case, the person does not compare himself with the object of admiration. But as soon as a person begins to compare himself, he begins to experience unpleasant sensations, the desire to have the same thing is already envy, and black envy at that.

One more example. You and a friend are playing sports - fighting without rules. And one day there were major competitions in which he took part and won, but you did not take part in these competitions for one reason or another. You will be sincerely happy for him only if you are completely satisfied with yourself (for example, you have already been a champion of such competitions). But if you have never won a competition, then envy may set in. Most likely, you will not be able to sincerely rejoice for your friend, since you will have a desire to possess the same.

Envy is competition. Envy is always present where you compete with others for something. For example, for some position or the pursuit of recognition, to be the best at something, and so on. We all compete in all areas of our lives. But people are too smart to show it. But if your friend stole the man of your dreams from you, then all civilization immediately disappears. Why not pull out your hair? Of course, jealousy arises here, and jealousy is special kind envy. For example, a girl is jealous of her rival because she gets all the male attention that she also wants to have.

A person always competes only in areas that are significant to him. And he always envies those who have succeeded more in this area. For example, in sports, at work, in business, in personal life, and so on. If we take more specific example female envy, then I have noticed more than once how not beautiful girls they hate beautiful girls. According to statistics, beautiful girls almost never remain without male attention. But that is not all. Girls often compare who has bigger breasts, who has a sexier butt, who has bigger and more beautiful eyes. They also compare the coolness of their boyfriends, their income levels, and so on. Women are much more envious than men, as they are much more emotional.

Reasons for envy

The reasons for envy are obvious - dissatisfaction with something: money, love, recognition and respect, appearance. You cannot be envious of a comrade who has won a competition if you were also a champion.

It is not always possible to get rid of envy immediately. Over time, this envy disappears on its own, as you come to terms with the state of things. But in order to stop envying you, you first need to:

Stop comparing yourself to other people. Accept yourself and your life as it is. After all, there are people around you who envy you.

You discredit for yourself what you envy. For example, your friend began to earn a lot of money, but his time has become less, his wife constantly scolds him, he has become more problems, and he doesn't sleep well. Are you sure you want to be in his shoes?

Look for advantages. For example, if your friend wins a competition, say to yourself: “He has already become a champion, and I will soon become one. And soon this moment of glory awaits me, while he will already be forgotten.”.

Find people who live much worse than you. For example, your colleague was promoted, his power and salary increased significantly, but another colleague was fired and now he needs to look for another job. How good it is for you, you have a job, a stable income and confidence in the future.

Think carefully about whether you really need what causes envy. For example, your friend bought "BMW". Do you really need it, because you don’t have a driver’s license?

Or you envy your colleague because he was promoted to the position you wanted. And you listen to him. Surely the burden of greater responsibility does not allow him to sleep, less free time, constant problems at work, reprimands from the boss. Maybe he wants to be in your place? We only notice visible side, namely: money, fame, recognition, but we don’t see what’s going on behind the scenes. A person may look like he is in public, but in his heart he wants peace, relaxation and free time. Many people have achieved success through years of suffering, and we only find out about it later.

Just get over it. Envy of the object will still pass. This will happen because you will get used to the state of things, that is, you will begin to think that this is how it should be, or you will switch to another object of envy, which will also pass later.

The Other Side of Envy

Envy is driving force motivating a person to take action. Many people, due to an endless feeling of envy, have achieved great success in their lives. Envy is not always a destructive force, it is sometimes a strong motivator. If this thought does not reassure you, then try to look at everything from a different angle. Analyze the successes of other people and try to understand what exactly led him to such results. Maybe it's will, perseverance, hard work? Realize that you deserve it too! Take action and start moving towards your goal.

How to get rid of envy, what is envy, how to stop being envious

Envy is one of the ambiguous human feelings. On the one hand, it is classified as a sin and is considered as a factor that inhibits the development of personality and depresses the human condition. But on the other hand, envy can become a powerful motivational stimulus, then a person is not poisoned by his own “poison”, but inexorably moves forward, trying to achieve what is the subject of envy. What is envy? And what impact does it have more often? Is it possible to envy in a kind way, so-called white envy? Or does any envy need to be eradicated? Let's figure it out.

Envy is the product of the envious person himself. Other people have absolutely nothing to do with it, they are busy with their own affairs and problems. Those whom we envy may not even know about our existence, and even more so they did not want to cause this envy (at least for us). Why do we envy, how does this relate to our inner world:

• Envy is often intertwined with greed and jealousy. But all together they are rooted in the past or childhood.
• Envy is characteristic of unfulfilled, unloved, unhappy people.
• An envious person will always find something or someone to envy. Because he always feels unhappy, unrecognized, unloved. And he thinks that if he had “this and that,” he would definitely be understood, noticed, recognized, loved.

Envy is an emotion that each of us has experienced. Repeated often, it becomes a character trait or... Then the person is called envious. But not all people are like this.

The composition of envy depends on what exactly we paid attention to: the result of an activity or a process, a person’s actions. In the second case, “white envy” occurs more often. This is a complex of joy and pride in a person, admiration for his skills and much less regret about his own lost opportunities. For example, older people may envy the young and energetic in this context.

If we are amazed by the result, then more often “black envy” arises and the desire to surpass this result (possibly in any way). There is a third option - envy, accompanied by resentment and annoyance, and wishes for misfortune for this person. She also belongs to the “black” category.

Envy shapes the following character traits:

• boasting (including elements of lies and exaggeration);
• fear of failure and inadequacy;
• belittling (within the framework of one’s interpretation) of the achievements of the object of envy (exaggerating oneself against this background, “let them envy me” and the manifestation of schadenfreude);
• exaggeration of other people's successes;
• the desire to begin to envy (ostentatious actions for the sake of envy).

Most noticeable are these personal characteristics the envious person manifests himself in communication. IN interpersonal relationships the difference between “white” and “black” envy is also clearly visible. In the first case, a person wants to elevate himself and develop, to have the same thing as the object of envy. In the second case, humiliate the object of envy and deprive him of the object of envy. If “white” envy promotes, then “black” envy hinders him and forces him to degrade.

Envy and the subconscious, consciousness

Envy grows from self-abasement. But where self-humiliation comes from is the main question that needs to be resolved. Envy is a recognition of one’s own powerlessness and inadequacy. This is why people are so afraid to admit it even to themselves. Strong and self-confident people are practically not familiar with the concept of envy. Except in relation to them.

Rejection of the very idea of ​​envy, and even more so its causes, is the most popular and simplest. But you will have to overcome it if you want to get rid of envy. In addition to denial, popular mechanisms are mythologization (recognition of superpowers in someone or something) and self-justification due to this, rationalization (belittling the achievements of the object of envy).

Consciously, envy is balanced by pride in one’s actions. As long as pride outweighs, we admire other people, but do not envy them. If we have nothing to be proud of, but someone else’s successes are before our eyes, then self-humiliation and envy sets in. Envy is a recognition and reaction to one's own inadequacy.

Stages of development of envy

How does the formation of envy occur from the position of psychoanalysis? In several stages.

1. Idealization, that is, exaggeration of something positive and downplaying of something negative in a person. The same is true for the strong and weaknesses, advantages and disadvantages, defeats and victories. In general, anything. Idealization – distorted perception another man. The envious person allegedly appropriates the shortcomings of others and gets rid of his own merits, endowing them with the object of envy. Once you understand and realize this, begin to behave emotionally opposite, and envy will begin to disintegrate.
2. Self-humiliation, complete self-depreciation and harm to the object of envy. A person, sometimes without realizing it, begins to provoke his opponent with his own emotional behavior. A state akin to paranoia develops. In its form, when a person tries to expel self-hatred from himself and ends up hating the one he envies.

Thus, first a person absorbs the negative traits and failures of the object of envy, endows him with his own merits, and devalues ​​himself. And later, irritated and offended by this, he projects back onto him full of shortcomings. As a result, a person devotes so much energy to his experiences that he becomes completely consumed by hatred and is incapable of productive actions.

How to stop being jealous

1. First of all, admit this feeling to yourself. Recognize and accept the fact that you are jealous.
2. Take envy as a guide to the world of your internal problems. She indicates sick and imperfect points, unsatisfied, hidden desires, the true “I”.
3. Focus on what you have. Write down all your blessings, successes, virtues. Everything that you have that someone else might also envy. Yes, you don’t have your own home yet, but you have an amazing partner and excellent mutual understanding in your relationship. Yes, you didn't borrow leadership position, quitting, but you did not betray your dream and are doing what you love.
4. You can always find someone stronger, smarter, more interesting, or at least equal in strength, but a little more successful in one single matter. This is not necessarily a person from the present time. Envy knows no boundaries. You can envy both book heroes and real ones. historical figures, and the whole people of another era. Realize this. Don't such scales seem destructive to you?
5. Our psyche is designed in such a way that it can always find someone better than us and someone worse, especially if we are prone to envy. This is how man is made. Our needs and demands tend to grow. If life is aimless, then this process will be chaotic. Specify the trajectory of your movement.
6. Have a clear system of ideas about your life: values, meanings, priorities, goals. We envy what is significant to us, but is not ours. Refocus your attention, direct your energy not to experiencing the envy and curse of an unsuspecting person, but to achieving your goal. Make the object of envy your goal and go towards it. In essence, this is good envy, or envy-motivation.
7. The second option is to devalue what you don’t have. Think: is acquiring the object of envy really important and significant for you? Possessing it, you will really become in that very moment the most happy man? Hardly. The real reason deeper. And until you solve it, you will find new and new reasons for envy.
8. Comparing yourself with others, that is, self-esteem, is another reason for the development of envy. People with inadequate self-esteem are more susceptible to envy. Learn to compare yourself with yourself and you will find harmony.
9. If you are busy with your self-realization, then you have no time to look at other people. Take care of yourself. Find your path and follow it. Find a hobby, become good specialist, start a family, constantly develop, set goals and go towards them. Then you will have no time to look around, much less envy.
10. In the end, think: why do you need what you envy? To keep it simple? This won't do. The desired item should benefit you and have a positive effect on your development (physical, mental, emotional, personal). And how applicable is the subject of envy to your life? Will it be as appropriate and beneficial as in the life of the object of envy? If you think about these questions, it often turns out that, for example, an army of friends and worldwide fame are not really needed, but two reliable friends nearby are needed. And if you take a closer look, it turns out that they already exist.

Envy cannot be eradicated completely, but it can be managed and left as an emotion rather than a character trait. To regulate envy, you need to learn to be content with a certain amount of something. No, don’t be content with little, although (for some people this is the norm), but set a “ceiling” in every area of ​​life. This is the level of benefits that will be enough for you. The fact is that without boundaries, you will always feel deprived, offended, dissatisfied.

Write down on a piece of paper the areas that are significant to you, what benefits will make you happy in love, family, finances, work, life, personal development. Of course, it is human nature to change and grow, so you can shift these levels in accordance with your inner world. But you can shift only after reaching the previous line and when comparing the goal and real possibilities.

The boundary method can be applied in every matter, even insignificant ones. It's easier for our brain to achieve what we want if we set small goals. For example, not to lose 30 kg, but to lose 5, then another 5. This increases our motivation, self-confidence and self-esteem.

So, you can regulate envy using:

• and what we cannot change;
• corrections of what we can change;
• achieving what you want;
• devaluation of the object of envy;
• assigning significance to existing goods.

We do not envy something specific, we envy the fact that a person is happy, successful, in love, self-sufficient, prosperous. But everyone can do it.