Correcting the life scenario. How to change the script of your life: solving problems through metaphor

Each of us makes hundreds of choices every day. We choose what to wear today, whether to call yesterday’s stranger or wait for a call from him, whether to send our child to kindergarten or wait, whether to change jobs, homes, lives?.. And the more complex, global the choice, the more difficult it is not only for us to do - the burden of responsibility weighs on us, but the more unfree we are in our choice. It seems to us that we choose our husbands, jobs, lifestyle, but most often we simply follow an invisible script, and then we say - fate. Is it fate? Who is writing this script? Is it possible to change it - to change your destiny? And is it necessary?

1.Birth of the script

The life script begins to be written long before we are born. Sometimes when our mother, while still very young, decides that her daughter will definitely become a ballerina, or our father has been dreaming since childhood of a family business that will be passed on from generation to generation. Sometimes when at birth we are named in honor of grandmothers, great events or great compatriots, the burden of this name will accompany the child all his life. But most likely the brightest pages of our life script will be written in the first five years of life. It is at this age that the notorious “can and should” and “bad, impossible” are imprinted in children’s memory. Already from these young years, the child subconsciously knows at what age he will start a family, how many children he will have, what kind of husband she will have and his wife will be, he knows that he needs (or doesn’t need to) study a lot, work hard, trust or not trust people how a man should treat a woman, a woman should treat a man, both should treat children, and it happens that he forever finds a love for classical music or football. And all this is not so much from the words and especially the moral teachings of their elders, but from their actual behavior. And therefore, no matter how much you explain to the child that girls cannot be offended if dad beats mom, the result is predictable. Another source of absorption of life roles is the attitude of elders and peers towards the child. Those children who were loved, trusted, and believed in as children usually become successful in life. adult life. But mom’s “it’s always the same with you,” “walking trouble,” dad’s “lazy guy,” “slacker,” or an offensive childhood nickname can leave an unfavorable psychological brand for life. It especially often goes to unwanted children and children from single-parent families.

What's next? And then more and more new pages are added to our script. In the lower grades, we master the roles of excellent and poor students and determine our professional competence, in adolescence - one’s role in society: leader or follower, in adolescence - one’s ability to love, to be close to another person. By the age of 21, the script had already been completed. What does it mean? Can we change it? Before answering these questions, let's once again emphasize its “authors”:

• parental behavior- one of the most powerful factors that determines the family model (relationships with people of the opposite sex, raising children) and attitude towards society, operates on a black-and-white principle: if the parental model is very negative, then “I will never be like that” (which is true easier said than done), in other cases the similarity in the behavior of children and parents is striking (the so-called parental curse or blessing);
• parental attitudes towards the child– the second very important factor, to which a child is extremely sensitive in the first years of life, often determines success in adulthood according to the principle “I am as capable as my parents believe in me,” often the position of a loser has its roots precisely in these attitudes;
• peer attitude– affects throughout childhood and adolescence, but in early childhood is defined as “Who are they – other children? Am I interested in being with them?”, in adolescence – “my friend or someone else’s? Am I leading or am I being led?”, in youth – “how close can I be with another person?”, in accordance with this, we answer the question “Who am I?”;
• personal experience– these are all our successes and failures, by which we determine our capabilities and our place in life.

2. Consequences and continuation.

So, by about the age of 21, each of us has a full-fledged idea of ​​who we are, where we come from and where we are going. But that is not all. Until the age of 28, the scenario will be modified under the influence of significant surrounding events - marriage, birth of children, dramatic changes in career. However, not everyone is lucky with such significant events. Of course, it is possible that the wind of change that has burst into life will change the direction of the threads of fate, but most of us have to be fatalists and periodically repeat the notorious: “I knew it,” when divorcing our husbands or watching less worthy colleagues climb the career ladder , while you all mark time. But at this age, an important event occurs from the point of view of formation - the script becomes “yours”.

Occasionally modern science amazes us with amazing data on the discovery of more and more new genes. It turns out, according to genetic scientists, there are special genes responsible for the tendency to theft, alcoholism, and even the number of divorces. Without arguing with their scientific colleagues, psychologists put forward their own version of such an inheritance. This version is based precisely on the availability life scenarios.

The topic of life scenarios was first developed by the famous psychologist Alfred Adler. He believed that the script is laid down during the first five years of life and then is not subject to transformation, with the exception of specially targeted psychotherapeutic work on it. He viewed the scenario as a certain way of life, which is based on one or more basic postulates, such as “I am a loser” or “the most important thing in life is a career.” In an adult, information about the basic postulate of his life is stored as the first childhood memory. Therefore, Adler developed a method for studying early childhood memories. The method is as follows:

1.Remember your earliest childhood memory. It may not be possible to remember right away; allow yourself to walk backwards through your childhood memories until you get to the very first one. If you are not sure of the truth of this memory, it seems to you that it may be your fantasy, then this is not scary. Another thing is important - it should be exactly your memory, what you remember, and not what they told you about your childhood.

2.Now that the memory is certain, focus on it. Roll it over in your head several times, try to pay attention to small parts, on all his characters. Determine, at least approximately, how old you were and where the action takes place.

3. Answer, you can even write, the following questions: Who is the main adult in your memory and what is his role? What are your desires (needs) for this memory and how satisfied are they? Do you have a goal and what (who) helps you achieve it? What is the leading emotion (mood) in your memory?

The transcript of the memory is as follows. An adult is the person who had the greatest influence on shaping your life scenario. In other words, the one whose attitudes you perceived as dogma, whose opinion about you was the main thing for forming your own opinion about yourself. Most often this is mom, dad, grandma. But sometimes a person you don’t know very well plays the role of an adult. Then it is possible that people of this profession, social status or appearance have had a special impact on your life. Desire, emotion, goal are, respectively, your leading need in life, what you will strive for and what emotions to saturate your life with. For example, if in a memory you are sitting at a table in kindergarten and eat semolina porridge with appetite, then in adulthood you have a tendency to be an optimist, strive to satisfy life’s needs (food, sex, money, having children) and live with specific goals for today.

So, if you are losing everything all the time, it is most likely because they decided on their own that you are a confused Masha, if men leave you all the time, then perhaps you yourself don’t believe that you can be happy V family life- either because your mother was never happy, or because you have known since childhood that you are a bad girl and unworthy of happiness. There are as many problems as there are scenarios, there are as many scenarios as there are individual destinies, destinies that we write ourselves. So, don't despair. Below is not a recipe. quick solution all your problems, but a way to break the script where it leads you into a dead end, and write your own continuation. The main thing is to trust yourself and remember that the author of your life - whether you change something in it or just go with the flow - is always you.

Steps to overcome the unwanted scenario:

1. Think about whether there are events or situations in your life that are constantly repeated or have been observed in your life for a long time and do not suit you. For example: you are never offered leadership position, you are in the role of a housewife in the family, you cannot build a serious relationship with a man - at a certain stage they will inevitably collapse, all your husbands are assholes, there is a conflict with a teenage child, at the most crucial moment something will definitely happen to you, in life you – victim, etc. and so on.

2. Try to understand what this situation gives you. Even then, if what happens to you makes you unhappy or tragic, in any case why do you need this. In psychology there is the concept of secondary benefit - this is the invisible benefit of a certain, often negative situation. This benefit is most often not realized by a person, but it is precisely this that does not give the strength to break the circle. For example, a wife is constantly beaten by her husband, but she does not leave him - perhaps because such quarrels are the only opportunity to achieve intimacy between them, and the rest of the time the spouses are cold to each other. There are more complex things, for example, in the company of friends you are always the scapegoat. But perhaps this is the only role that you know how to perform, and if at some point you forgot how (I say precisely forgot how, because for one reason or another you introduce yourself into the role of a scapegoat, and others are already using what you have created way), then they would simply become unnecessary, lost in the crowd? Accepting that you benefit from something negative is always very difficult, so here are some questions to help you:

• What's good about this happening to you?
• What's wrong with this happening to you?
• What good things would happen in your life if this did not happen?
• What bad things would happen in your life if this did not happen?

3.If you have decided on the previous point, it’s time to think about whether you are ready to change something. To do this, just imagine that until today you somehow lived in this life, fulfilled some social roles. And whether you like it or not, you are accustomed to this life, accustomed to the fact that you and your family, friends, and acquaintances live this way, so you know how. Is the repair worth the trouble?

4. Even if the previous point made you think a lot, try to take the next step - to understand why this is happening, in other words, who, when and how wrote this page into your script. Try to remember when this circle first closed, or when this chain of events began. When you made this decision- or someone mistook it for you - not to be successful, happy, beautiful (or to be a loser, a victim, a bitch, eternal child...). The beginning of the article will help you with this, where the main sources of such solutions are described. Once you have decided, try to understand What is this a decision in your life? The decision “I’m not worthy of happiness” and “I’m raising the way my mother did” are different fields. You most likely will not be able to completely change your life and your scenario (especially if it is a parental scenario - that is, very early), and whether you should - after all, this is already your way of life. But you can always correct it.

5. Answer the question - what are you personally doing to ensure that this situation continues (repeats). No matter what happens, but this you allow it to happen. Try to understand - how? You can act or not act, but in any case you make some kind of choice (remember, at the beginning of the article it was said that the scenario is a predetermined choice, i.e. we make a choice without making it, this means that You can break the script only by seeing that there really is a choice and consciously making it).

6. The last step is to understand what needs to be done or not done in order for life to go in a new circle, the direction of which you will set consciously, consciously. It is in consciousness that the whole secret essentially lies. In fact, your life script will not go anywhere - it was laid down before you turned 21. But having understood it, you will take the reins of your life into your own hands, you will be able to manage it. It’s not for nothing that they say: “Whoever owns the information, owns the world.” Good luck to you on your path to self-mastery

What if we say: the choice is not always conscious. Interesting, isn't it? We always thought that we decide our own destiny. And so it turns out that we are not far from animals? It's even somehow unpleasant. No, man is really different from our smaller brothers. He can consciously make choices even despite the strongest fear of responsibility. But this is an energy-consuming process. It is much easier to live according to the usual scenario, which was nurtured in us by our immediate environment back in childhood. In general, this is a rather serious topic, and it must be considered consistently. Let's talk about everything in order.

What is a life script according to Berne?

If you describe this term literally, then everything will be correct. person- this is the script of life. That is, those patterns of behavior that are prescribed in advance in certain situations. Habits, in other words. Scenario is a complex and detailed concept, but it is formed in childhood with the help of parents. But this does not mean that it cannot be changed as an adult.

The concept of a life script was proposed by the famous psychologist Eric Berne. One of his key concepts is the socio-psychological games that people create with each other. The life scenario is actually how this game will unfold in the mind of this person. We all have a specific plan with clearly defined details: what people should be in our lives, what they should do, what reactions will be on your part, who should not be allowed in. And we involve others in the drama that we ourselves write. But the basis of the life scenario is the events that happened in childhood. So said Eric Berne.

How and when is the life scenario formed?

We have already understood that the life script begins to be written in childhood. In fact, what is called upbringing is the process of instilling in a child a certain life scenario. Usually the scenario in which our parents or their surrogates live. Therefore, often children of successful parents also achieve success. The same applies to poor families. However, not always. There are many known cases where the sons of millionaires ended up almost homeless, and children from disadvantaged families became millionaires.

What does this depend on? From the style of upbringing, or at least the presence of it. After all, rich parents are often so busy that they do not pay attention to their child. Then his life scenario is formed on the basis of the norms that are accepted among his environment. In adolescence, they can be deviant (that is, uncontrollable, in other words) people both older and peers. When there is almost no education, we're talking about about pedagogical neglect. It is worth remembering that everything has a reason.

But what happens to the life scenario after adolescence ends? Is it already formed or is it still being formed? Of course, the second option is correct. But not for everyone. There are two categories of people: authors And victims. The former take responsibility for their lives, while the latter blame it on external circumstances. The latter more often do not have any goals and live according to the scenario that was formed even earlier. Often, if you observe such people, they continue to live the same way they lived ten years ago. Even if there is some experience, the conclusions drawn on its basis fit into the same stereotyped paradigm that was brought up in them.

For example, a person at 20 or 40 can, after an unsuccessful endeavor, say, “I’m not capable of anything, so I’ll never do this again.” Unlike victims, authors can change a lot in a year. They have completely different behavior patterns, and they are ready to change them if necessary. They may understand that their old habits are preventing them from achieving what they want, and therefore they accustom themselves to something new.

People with the author's position change a lot from year to year. It is clear that a person develops and educates himself. And here comes the key to answering the question “Is a life script formed in adulthood?” We previously explained that it appears as a result of upbringing. So, an adult with the author’s position educates himself and approaches this issue even more carefully than many parents. Therefore, he can radically change the scenario. Naturally, he will form it himself.

If you think about it for a second, you can easily determine “where the legs grow from”:

Example # 1

Dad wanted a boy, but a girl was born, but the ambition to raise an heir for herself did not subside, and this girl first succeeds in the school karate club, then graduates from a technical university and is now a director large corporation, but, unfortunately, not one of her novels was successful. And all because she couldn't find herself equal man, just as strong and independent. She always felt that she was dominant in the relationship, but she would like it to be the other way around. And now she is already on the threshold of the business center, where training on the development of femininity is taking place.

Example #2

The woman wanted to have a child for herself. Gave birth. Boy. But her deepened resentment towards men did not allow her to start a new relationship. In this connection, the boy did not have a model of masculine behavior, a model of the behavior scenario of a father, husband, or partner. This certainly affected his relationships with women.

Who and what influence its formation

Alfred Adler believed that the life script is formed in the first five years of a person’s life. Well, this is food for thought about your life path and a reason to think about raising your children from a young age.

In general, the concept of life scenario is incredibly large-scale, so it makes no sense to say that it is influenced by only one or two factors. What else influences the formation of a life scenario?

1. Family. Perhaps this is the first and most important author of our life scenario. It is in the family that certain attitudes and principles are laid down, which we then repeat in our lives. There is a saying that a man chooses a wife who is like his mother, and a woman who chooses a husband who is like his father for a reason. We repeat the scenarios of our parents in our lives. And there is no need to say that “I will never be like my parents. I will not repeat their behavior,” when your father wanted you to become a lawyer, and you were always drawn to sports, then don’t be surprised when you also insist on sending your son to hockey when he is drawn to the exact sciences .
2. Social environment. Most often these are friends, although they may just be good acquaintances. Mentors, who can be considered in an intermediate position between friends and teachers, are of particular importance in this regard. These are people who have seen a lot and have formed a high-quality life scenario themselves and are ready to pass it on to their to a loved one. Quite an interesting observation : More and more young girls getting married are absolutely sure, even at the stage of meeting a guy, that they will have an unsuccessful relationship with their mother-in-law. In the end, this is how it turns out. And they don’t even try to somehow change the situation. Well, “half of the country is like this...” they are sure. Where did all this come from? From the stories of others, television, the media, girlfriends, mother, etc.
3. Teachers, trainers and coaches. These are people for whom shaping the life scenarios of others is professional activity. They get paid for it. The category of teachers includes school and university teachers ( with the latter, the situation can be ambiguous, because there are real teachers, and there are lecturers. The latter do not directly shape the life scenario, but only indirectly, and even then not always). Trainers and coaches charge decent money for the results of their clients. Most often, they are approached by mature people who themselves are not against changing. That is, working with a trainer and coach is characterized by responsibility divided in half. A professional influences a person, while another deliberately succumbs. This distinguishes the work of trainers and coaches from the usual social environment, since our friends and closest people influence us unconsciously, we are not actively involved in the process of shaping our own life scenario. Unless we can choose those people who will unnoticeably influence us.
4. Live sources of information. These are people who do not set themselves the goal of shaping the life scenario of another person (they do not even subconsciously strive for this), but they can give facts, say something that will resonate in the soul of another person completely by accident. These could be random passers-by or the same lecturers at universities.
5. Non-living sources of information– Media, books, video lessons, audiobooks, articles and everything else that conveys certain facts, but there is no interaction with a living person. The person’s attitude plays a role here. If he is determined to independently change his worldview, life scenario under the influence of what he reads or hears, then they influence, if not, then he may know a lot, but nothing will change in his life. In addition, a person’s ability to remember information plays an important role here.

To understand this topic even more deeply, let's look at several types of life scenarios. A detailed classification of negative life scenarios was proposed by Bob and Mary Goulding. Analysis of life scenarios is impossible without this classification. Let's look at the types in more detail:

1. Don't live. Very often, people with this life scenario have thoughts of suicide. The parents of such children unwittingly forbade their child to live, which is generally paradoxical. It is clear that they only wanted the best for him, but the little man took it that way. And how does such an attitude appear? Very simple. Parents quite often tell their children something like “it would be better if you weren’t born” or “I’ll kill you for this.” And it is understandable that we can say such things in a fit of anger (we are all human), but we must understand that we should never say such things to children. Life scenarios for this type of personality are actually very common. The attitude of a person who, despite this scenario, has not yet committed suicide (unconscious, it is worth noting) is the following: “I can live for now.”
2. Don't be yourself. Another popular parental ban. There are two types of scenarios here: “don’t be a person of the same gender” and “just don’t be yourself.” The first case occurs when the parents wanted a girl, but gave birth to a boy (or vice versa). The second case occurs much more often. Have you been compared to your neighbor's children? Of course yes. Comparison is a natural human need. This is absolutely normal. But if a child is constantly told that he is worse than Aunt Masha’s Petya, then this will definitely have a negative imprint on his psyche. Yes, if you say it once, nothing will happen, but where there is an isolated case, there is a second one, and then it’s not far from becoming a habit. And it is difficult to eradicate it, because raising a child in the “don’t be yourself” style is built into the parent’s life scenario. And then the child will begin to raise his own children in this way. Not always, but the likelihood is high.
3. Don't be a child. This is when the parents of a child who wants to constantly play and frolic load him up like a real adult. Early. Firstly, psycho-emotional overload is also harmful in adulthood. Secondly, this will leave a negative mark on the child for life. In fact, when parents tell their son or daughter, “Don’t be a child,” they are forbidding him to be happy. And this scenario will be a stigma for life. Is it even necessary?
4. Don't grow up. It is interesting that this attitude is often instilled in the same parents and in the same children. After all, on the one hand, it’s good to have an adult child, but there are also advantages reverse side. Therefore, parents cannot independently decide which virtues are more important to them. Consequently, the child is instilled with the thought “don’t grow up” in parallel with the previous one, which leads to a psychological crisis. Any attempts at independence are suppressed, and parents say “what would you do without me,” “the milk on your lips has not dried yet.”
5. Don't achieve this. Parents prohibit their child from achieving something, saying phrases like “well, it’s not yours, quit and do something else.” First, we cannot know for sure what talents we have. We must abandon the idea that we are given any special abilities from above. No, of course, there are genetically determined inclinations, but we will not be able to determine them, because they are expressed in the maximum degree of mastery of a certain skill. Both the talented and the untalented must constantly work to achieve their goals. And you need to teach this to your children or yourself.
6. It is forbidden. It's just not possible. This is not possible, this is not possible. The child doesn’t try anything and doesn’t know what this life is like. Even as he grows up, he doesn’t study. Why? Because it's scary.

There are many other types of life scenarios that cannot all be included in this article. All of them are negative in nature. At the same time, there are polar scenarios that are made by forming an antonymic construction. Simply put, you need to exclude the particle “not” from the meaning. For example, “live”, “be yourself” and so on.

How to determine your life scenario

In fact, we all internally feel our own life scenario. After all, subconsciously we always compare actions with psychological attitudes; a coordinate system is always drawn in our heads. Therefore, it is necessary not to define, but to realize. How to do it. There are many most various techniques. But we'll take a simple one.

First you need to set a goal. Many do not do this, and therefore do not analyze themselves. To determine your scenario, you need to take the position of an adult and think purely logically about how you act in certain situations. You can use the classifier above (although this is not all scenarios). Consider which of the above applies to you.

Okay, we've set a goal. Now you need to determine why you don’t have this now. Actually, the life scenario is what helps or prevents us from achieving what we want. It will just be easier to build on real facts of your life. The work is very hard and deep. It is advisable to write down your thoughts on a piece of paper.

And also better option– compose mental map. A diagram, in other words. Get creative with this process. But most likely you will have one of the above scenarios. It just so happens that in our educational culture such attitudes are instilled with enviable ease. It's easier to educate this way. And since parents follow the path of least resistance, children also learn this, this becomes their life scenario.

1. Think back to your very first childhood memory. You can write it down. The main thing is that it is yours, and not what they told you about you.
2. Who main character this memory? From adults.
3. How do you feel about this memory? Are your needs met?

Decoding the memory:

An adult is the person who had the greatest influence on the formation of your life history. The one whose opinion of you formed the basis of your own opinion of yourself.

Your feelings, desires and emotions from the memory are what you adhere to in life, your leading need.

The work of understanding the life scenario takes more than one day or even a month. And not even a year. This is an ongoing process. It is important to analyze your behavior, but in moderation. Otherwise, you can instill negative attitudes in yourself, and then it will be more difficult to determine your scenario in the future. If you analyze your actions according to your approach to your goal or distance from it, then the picture of your life scenario will emerge by itself.

It is worth noting that the above classification is not exhaustive and final. There are so many people and human destinies, so many scenarios. Each life requires an individual analysis and everyone cannot be put under the same brush. You may well give your own names, since creativity turns on the brain to the fullest.

How to change a person's life script

So, we have identified a life scenario and realized that it does not correspond to what you want. How then can you change your life scenario? Slowly, step by step. To begin, write down on a piece of paper those habits that are associated with your life scenario, your views on the world, and so on. After that, start taking small steps every day. If you want to start thinking like a confident person (the “be yourself” attitude + the “achieve” scenario), then devote at least five minutes a day to this.

You can write down other points this way. And here again, there is no ready-made magic pill. You need to come up with those small steps that are right for you, based on the conclusions drawn from the previous point.

Some people want to change their lives quickly, but this is impossible. Your parents have been instilling these attitudes in you for years, and you want to change them in a day? It doesn't happen that way. Even if you can live according to a different scenario for one or two days, everything will still return to normal. And some of the time it will be even worse, because there will be no strength at all. Therefore, implement good habits gradually.

It is very good to demonstrate this using the example of a person who decided to start playing sports (wants to implement the life scenario “be healthy and beautiful”). One day he actively worked out on exercise machines, the next day his muscles hurt, and the next day he couldn’t even move. Managed to implement new script? Of course not. Most likely, he will not approach the simulator soon at this rate.

The second option is that he will simply get bored. That is, the muscles are capable of doing the work, but since this person is not used to doing 50 push-ups a day (and some want to do 200 straight away), he will quickly return to normal. Will constantly put everything off until tomorrow.

And if he had a “you can’t do anything” scenario in his head, then he will give up very quickly. By the way, a very important note: you don’t need to perceive a certain scenario as a template. That is, if the thought “you can’t do anything” sits in your head, then this does not apply to all areas, but only to new ones. of this person. You need to change your life scenario within the paradigm of the one you currently have.

That is, in this situation, you need to ask yourself the question “what can you do,” and build on this and gradually increase the intensity of measures to re-educate yourself.

Remember that the process of self-education is much more complex than regular parenting. It’s harder to change yourself, and therefore you don’t have to force yourself. You just can't stand it. If you drive more quietly, you will go further, as the famous proverb says.

Relationship scenario: what is it like?

Everything described above related to human life scenarios, and people were included there as a separate part. And there are also separate scenarios in which relationships between people proceed. This whole topic is no less complex, and you can dig very deeply. However, let's look at the main scenarios for the development of relationships that may have Negative consequences for them too.

1. Avoiding negative evaluation. The point is as follows: a person talks about himself, and then is afraid of criticism. Consequently, he does not listen to the other person, and then suffers that they talk to him little and there is no emotional reaction. But in fact, only one type of it is important for him - positive.
2. Prove your love. Such a person always doesn’t have enough love, and the other will have to go out of his way to prove it. If he doesn't do this, a person with this scenario will not feel needed. Comes from low self-esteem.
3. I owe everyone. Such a person is characterized by an inadequate feeling of guilt, own desires manifest themselves only in loneliness, does not have the strength to resist other people. He easily succumbs to any manipulation based on a feeling of guilt such as “in Africa, children are starving, and here you decided to earn a lot. No shame or conscience at all.”
4. Unawareness. Such people do not understand their emotions, which makes them uncontrollable. Emotional intellect Such individuals have a very low level, which makes them unpredictable. At the same time, he cannot recognize the emotions of other people and hopes that everyone will be psychics and understand what he feels without his participation.
5. And finally, the last strategy is similar in type - emotional closedness. In this case, the person is aware of his own feelings, but does everything possible not to show them to others. Scenarios family relations predictable if at least one of the family members is classified as one of these five types.

And finally. If you are interested in this topic, then you should watch and/or listen following materials, which we have selected specifically for readers of our site. Leading psychologists in more detail they tell in simple words about life scenarios. They talk in more detail about how life history is formed and what to do in order to change unconscious life patterns.

No. 1 Opinion professional psychologist. Radio interview.

No. 2 Women's thoughts and opinions about changing life scenarios. Female script life.

No. 3 The family scenario or relationship scenario also originates from childhood. About this and much more in the next video.

Let's not live thoughtlessly, like a gray and faceless mass. Let's take life into our own hands and start building it the way we would like, and not the way others would like us to live it. Having realized that the script of the life we ​​live is not ours, we can refuse it. There is no need to deceive yourself. There is no need to try to please anyone other than yourself. Remember your once forgotten dreams and plans and complete them already.

Our life sometimes seems strange and unpredictable to us.

“Apparently, it’s not fate...”, we sometimes say, complaining about this or that episode.

But if you think about it, what is fate? Why does everything happen this way in our lives and not differently?

What scenario do we live by and who wrote it?

Our life scenario - the key to understanding what, how, when and why happens to us. Accidents are not accidental. And indeed it is. And having realized why it happens this way and not otherwise, seeing the cause-and-effect relationships, we can change our scenario.

And, therefore, change your Life...

I suggest you do practical work to identify your scenario and change it.

Scenario Tree of Your Life.

Prepare large leaf paper (at least A4) and draw a silhouette of a tree on it.

This is your Life.

And right on this sheet you make your notes.

Roots- These are attitudes received from parents in childhood. We absorb them at the very beginning of our life journey. They begin to be recognized by the child in the womb and form the basis for the formation of his existential scenario.

It could be installation type: Don't, Don't be, Don't get close, Don't be significant, Don't be healthy, Don't be yourself, Don't grow up. May relate to thoughts: Don’t think like that, Don’t think differently than me; about feelings: Don’t feel, Don’t feel otherwise, etc.

Are there any positive attitudes? Yes, sure. One of the most important: Just live and be happy. More options (reverse from negative): You are important, Love, Be loved, Achieve success, Be independent, etc.

For example.

As a child, people only paid attention to you when you misbehaved. Then everyone began to take an active interest in your affairs, needs, and actively help. And when everything stabilized, it was as if they forgot about you... It is very possible that one of the attitudes is: “Don’t be good.” Those. when I'm bad, I'm needed, when I'm good, no one cares about me.

There may be several such settings.

Think about what message your parents gave you during your upbringing? It is perceived by the child both from the words of the parents and from his actions in relation to him, another person, and the outside world.

It could be some strong family phrases like “Money is given only hard work».

Find 5-6 such messages and write them on the roots of your Scenario tree.

The soil– psychological environment.

Remember when you were growing up (and the life script is formed before the age of 7 and is “edited” again in adolescence) what environment surrounded you? What was the most important thing about it? You can take both childhood and teenage periods.

Perhaps you were the “ugly duckling” in class and the environment around you was overwhelming, you were scared and felt a sense of self-doubt constant companion? Or maybe on the contrary, parents always said: “You should be...”, “Have you already done your homework?” etc. And have you always felt like someone was watching you, controlling your every move? Or maybe your parents tried to make your world as interesting as possible, allowing you to be yourself. Or all the time they convinced you that you are much better than others, and the rest are so... misunderstandings, and only you are the center of the Universe.

Think and write it down where the soil of your scenario tree is. The environment could be different, because the soil is heterogeneous in its composition.

Now pay attention to trunk is your main script process.

There are four main existential scenarios.

“I am good - the world is good”- well-being scenario. IN real life, unfortunately, is very rare.

“I am good - the world is bad”- I am the best, the rest are not smart enough, beautiful, rich, educated, etc. True, sometimes they themselves do not notice it. But what will you take from them?

"I'm bad - the world is good"- I'm not worthy of anything good. In no case can I just be lucky in life; everything must be achieved through hard work. Others may have happiness, luck, money, family, etc. But my destiny is to suffer. Or punish yourself by feeling guilty.

"I'm bad - the world is bad"- here I think comments are unnecessary...

Please take a detached look at which one is yours. Of course, everyone wants to say: “Oh! I have the first one! But... be honest with yourself. The main thing is to see. Don’t forget that this “grows out” of children’s attitudes (horses) and psychological environment(soil).

We write the script on the trunk of your tree.

More information about life scenarios can be found here (one of the open webinars) .

Branches- these are smaller scenarios, something that concerns some processes in your life. Regarding work, relationships, money, health, etc.

For example, the main Life Scenario “I’m bad - the world is good.” And from it can grow:

In the sphere of relationships: “Everyone good men already sorted out... so a happy marriage is not for me"

In the sphere of money: " High paying job- not for me. I don’t have enough experience/education/savvy/etc.”

Kidneys(from which new branches will grow) – these are your scenarios that can be. They are still in their infancy. Look into perspective what exactly can grow from these buds if you don’t change your life.

Leaves, flowers and fruits – realized goals, your achievements.

You can conditionally “divide” - the leaves are yours emotional states, flowers are your projects and plans for the future, fruits are direct achievements, what has been realized.

This work is not as simple as it might seem at first glance. Of course, it’s better to do it with a specialist, because there is a lot in our lives that we don’t see or don’t want to see. It all depends on what we want to be true.

If you do the work yourself, then it is very important to do it as if for another person, not for yourself. Emotionally you need to detach. Then you will be able to see the situation impartially, as if from the outside. And that means it’s more realistic.

It seems to me that you have already understood that the most important element is a tree trunk - your existential scenario.

Is it possible to change it?

Of course you can. It's best to do this in individual work, but we would work with him during the training.

Schedule open meetings located .

I will be glad to see everyone there.

Recording of the first meeting:

But, if you decide not to go to the training, is it possible to do something about it yourself? Yes.

For example, you can draw a basket next to a tree with fruits collected from another scenario tree. These fruits will represent what you would like to receive in this life, the results of your activities. Label each fruit with what it means. What is your desire, your goal, your dream.

Now take a close look at your tree. What belief or script process prevents this fruit from growing in your life, on your tree?

Have you determined? If not, then think about what belief will help you. Draw a bud on the branch that relates to the area in which you want your goal to be fulfilled and write down this belief next to it.

Now think about how you can integrate this belief into your life? What will change? What will go differently? How important is it to you that this happens? How much does this agree/disagree with the main scenario (tree trunk). What can help you? What situations from the past tell you that this is possible?

Successful practice to you!!!

With love and gratitude

Why do some people succeed in everything, while others are haunted by failures, why is the life of one a heroic epic, another a love story, and the third a pulp fiction? If you look closely at the events that happen to us, you can notice certain patterns.

Repeating events are a sign of the presence of a script in our lives, that is, a life plan that exists in the subconscious, which is formed in early childhood and gradually unfolds over many years, often against our will.

How to identify trends that indicate the presence of a scenario? I would offer several options for scenario analysis that anyone can conduct on their own, without the help of a psychotherapist or consultant.

Analyze repetitions

Let's analyze recurring events in our personal or business lives. Which of them occur against our will? Let's make a list of similar situations and try to understand what unites them. At the same time, we will try to be as objective as possible, we will focus not on assessing the behavior, intentions or character of other participants in the events (“envious”, “slanderers”, etc.), but on own actions. This will help you see certain patterns and, perhaps, understand the reason for the failures.

Take a closer look at yourself

Let's pay attention to our manner of speech, vocabulary, facial expressions, gestures. For example, a loser is usually extremely surprised by his achievements. Even if he succeeds in something, he repeats: “No, there’s something wrong here, it can’t be...” It’s as if he’s programmed to expect trouble, some kind of catch.

Winners are calm, confident, and love to repeat: “Victory is ours, success is guaranteed for us, next time I will do better.” The very appearance of the winner suggests that he is a successful person, and failures only mobilize him.

Remember your favorite fairy tale

The “program” laid down in childhood can be brought to light by analyzing fairy tales. Having “discovered” a scripted fairy tale, one can determine the program by which an adult lives.

The fairy tale “helps” the emerging scenario to take shape. Let's remember who was our favorite hero in childhood, what books we read until we read them. Let us remember how they tortured parents, forcing them to re-read the same thing several times. Perhaps we will find amazing similarities between ourselves - an adult, serious person - and some favorite hero. Maybe he controls our lives unnoticed by us?..

GO ANOTHER WAY

Scenario analysis is one of the ways to help a person look at his life from the outside. Then everyone decides for himself whether he needs to change something or not. You can continue to play the same role if the script is quite satisfactory, or you can take on directorial functions - rearrange the mise-en-scène, or even stage new performance with a different plot.

Getting rid of a bad scenario is not so easy. Here, according to Eric Berne, “war, love and psychotherapy” help. But we can recall other statements, for example, “saving drowning people is the work of the drowning people themselves” and “go the other way” (by the way, both of these slogans are undoubtedly scenario ones). It makes sense for a person who decides to rewrite his program to take the following steps on his own.

Understand your script

Sometimes this alone makes a very strong impression on a person. He experiences an emotional shock, a flurry of emotions turns everything upside down not only in his soul, but also in his life. One day I accidentally got into a conversation with a successful businessman. He said that he always achieves his goals, but only on the third try - this was the case both when he was studying and when he was engaged in science and business. This pattern clearly irritated him. Word for word - it turned out that since childhood he liked the fairy tale “Glass Mountain”, where the hero tries to get to the princess and succeeds - but only for the third time. I explained to him the meaning of his script tale, he was amazed, laughed for a long time and at that moment, apparently, parted with his script. At our next meeting, a year later, he said that he was no longer wasting time on rehearsals.

Part with unambiguous attitudes

It is important to learn to hear yourself. Let's pay attention to what and how we repeat to our child or subordinates. For example, we like to say: “You won’t succeed until...” These words carry a strong negative charge, doubt about the possibility of success. A strict condition is set: “You won’t get an A until you learn the theorems...” or “You won’t get promoted until you get an MBA.”

Such statements themselves are quite controversial. After all, you don’t have to cram theorems, but understand how they are proven, and career advancement is not necessarily related to an MBA. But the essence of scenario programming, its strength, lies in its peremptory, unambiguous nature. To understand that in fact there are many options is to find the path to freedom.

Let's try to modify and rewrite this program phrase like this: “You will do better if...” This is also the so-called “scenario with a condition,” but it is much softer. Now we can say to ourselves: “My life will become more successful when I part with the unambiguous attitudes that interfere with me.”

Deal with your “provocateurs”

Let's try to mentally review the same type of unpleasant situations that are repeated against our will and evaluate our role in this horror film. What actions of ours provoke these twists of fate? Who acts as provocateurs - what words, actions? Having identified the provocateurs, you can try to change the situation and do something fundamentally new in familiar situations, at least as an experiment. After all, if we do what we have always done, then we will receive what we have always received.

Create your own set of restrictions

After analyzing recurring situations and understanding where we constantly stumble, we can draw up a certain set of rules and prohibit ourselves from participating in certain situations. For example, I know that it is difficult for me to communicate with people of a manipulative and moralizing type. By coming into contact with them, I doom myself to defeat in advance, and if I still want to achieve victory, it will come at too high a price. This means that I must make it a rule to avoid such a situation by any means or modify it so as not to step on the same rake every time.

Enter into dialogue and get “permission”

Resolution is a special procedure used by a psychotherapist during scenario analysis. When a person is freed from the script, it is like a miracle, they say: “It’s as if he was bewitched.”

Not only a therapist, but also someone from significant people, in terms of influence not inferior to the parental figure who created this program. For example, a coach, telling a timid youth: “You can do it!” But if a person is ready for transformation, even the words of a random fellow traveler can influence him. Many can remember a case when one phrase or meeting turned out to be fateful and changed their entire life.

YOURSELF A DIRECTOR?

You should not perceive the life scenario as something necessarily negative and immediately try to get rid of it.

Without scripts, our lives would turn into complete improvisation. But not everyone wants, and not everyone is given the ability to improvise; for some, it is more convenient and calmer to “play by notes.” There are people who are not given the ability to write at all - if their parents don’t write a script for them, it is unknown how they will live their lives. Therefore, for many, the script is the anchor that holds them.

A proven, tested script is a kind of panacea for surprises and troubles. And trying to break out of the script is not always successful: external world may turn out to be unfriendly, and most importantly - unpredictable. Therefore, some people feel comfortable even in unsuccessful scenarios, benefiting from them in their own way. And this is not surprising - unconsciously following the script allows you to save energy and time.

Our life path- the result of many forces. But scenario analysis is interesting because it makes it possible to look at the events of our lives from a new, unusual angle, to find an explanation for actions that are inexplicable at first glance, to break out of vicious circle recurring events.