If the guy is at work all the time. What to do if a guy is busy all the time. What should you do to prevent your loved one from being completely overwhelmed by work?
If you love, you suffer, if you don’t love, you suffer! This is how life will go in search of the golden mean
Every girl lacks attention, and guys are often busy with work. They always have a lot of things to do that require immediate solutions, they are always in a hurry somewhere and don’t have time to do something. This leaves the girls with minimal time, which gives rise to legitimate grievances and questions. How to get out of this situation?
Men are goal oriented
Psychologists believe that all this developed in ancient society. Trying to survive in harsh conditions, our ancestors had high hopes for men. They were always brought up in such a way that they only need to go forward. Over time, this has become so entrenched in our minds that even now the main goal of any man is the pursuit of wealth, money and success.
Men strive to have the best and are guided in their lives by the following motto - higher, stronger, better. They constantly strive to increase their income, buy a cool car, or acquire a country plot. And of course, men want to see the most beautiful woman next to them, and even if they have found their soulmate, they continue their real or mental search further and further. It is the constant desire to achieve a goal that leads to misunderstandings in relationships. A man is always driven by one goal or another, and he strives to achieve it, strives to prove to the whole world that he is a real man.
Sometimes men act like crazy and obsessive people, like they're running a marathon. And the girls are forced to keep up with their beloved. They help overcome all obstacles, simultaneously solving all household chores, preparing food and keeping the house clean and comfortable. And in response to the legitimate question of when all this running will end, girls usually hear from their loved ones that they need to wait a little longer. Men constantly promise to pay more attention to them in a month, six months, a year... But this happy time is unlikely to ever come. And if it does, then maybe the man will enter a new life with another woman, because he has become more successful and interesting.
In most cases, women cannot stand a situation where their chosen one is always busy with something and does not pay special attention to them. Over time, serious problems brew in the relationship. Often women find themselves another man who pays less attention to his work. For men, this is always a complete surprise, since they are so engrossed in work that they do not even notice what is happening around them. They sometimes give flowers, make a couple of standard compliments, but no more, and at the same time consider themselves ideal from the point of view of married life. And women don’t want to live with zombies who are only obsessed with work, and realizing that the relationship has reached a dead end, they pack up and leave.
If you look into the current situation in detail, you will find out the following. Over a long period of time, the woman saw her beloved for an hour or two in the evening and fifteen minutes in the morning, and constantly went to bed alone. She made many attempts to communicate with her loved one, but every time something got in the way and there was no time. In the man's eyes there was work, work and only work. And now the patience is over, and the woman is tired of hoping for a miracle.
Men who are passionate about work, stop! You are walking on the edge of an abyss and sooner or later you will have to make a choice. Who would you prefer: family or career? And is it possible to find a middle ground?
How to explain yourself
What to do in such a situation? First of all, you need to identify the problem and pose the question head-on. If you love your chosen one and you value your relationship with him, you should tell the man about your problem in as detailed and accessible a manner as possible. Express your thoughts clearly and clearly; men usually do not understand women’s hints at all. Don't sulk, hold back, or slam the door loudly. A man does not know how to read your thoughts, he cannot guess your desires, so he needs specific and detailed explanations of what does not suit you.
Choose a moment when your chosen one is predisposed to conversation, create a relaxed atmosphere. Try to make it clear that you do not put his career, money and bright prospects at the forefront of everything. Tell them that you are striving for a normal family life and want to spend as much time together as possible. Don't avoid compliments. Don’t be afraid to overpraise your man, this will show how important your relationship is to you. But let him see himself, always running somewhere, always preoccupied with something, always living for tomorrow and not paying special attention to you, and believing that everything is as it should be. A middle ground can be found. It is quite possible to devote less time to your work and affairs, and try more to simply live, spend as much free time as possible with your beloved. As they say, you can’t change everything, you can’t earn all the money. And after all, an effective worker is not one who is passionate about work and is constantly busy with work, but one who does everything efficiently, even if he does not stay late at work and does not do it in his free time. You worked effectively - you had a good rest with someone who is really dear to you. Maybe this is the happiest life.
Antonina Lebedeva, psychologist, psychotherapist
A very typical and relevant situation: you start dating a young man for whom you feel strong sympathy, but a problem arises - he spends almost all his time at work, and there is practically no time left for you. He also has feelings for you and is not against further relationships, but he only has a couple of hours on his days off. In this case, you need to figure out whether you need a man who, already in the candy-bouquet period, replaces your company with work.
Why is a career so important to men?
Any man wants to achieve self-realization in the workplace. This behavior of men depends on the man himself, whether he wants to follow social rules or not. First of all, work allows a man to raise his social status, gives him the opportunity to manage and lead other people, as a result of which he begins to feel more confident. Secondly, a good job brings in the money you need to support yourself, your girlfriend and your future family. It also allows you to realize your potential and show what a man is capable of.
Therefore, most men consider their work a place where they gain independence and can express their own strengths.
What should you do to prevent your loved one from being completely overwhelmed by work?
First, you need to answer one question: what does a man want to avoid when he devotes all his time to his work? After numerous studies, experts concluded that workaholic men appear in families where there are no warm relationships, they experience a lack of communication, or there are constantly quarrels in the family. When a man lacks communication and warmth, he tries to compensate for this at his workplace.
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Therefore, if a woman wants to spend more time with her loved one, then she needs to create an atmosphere of coziness and comfort in the house. A man’s home should be a place where he will rush from work, because he is loved and understood there.
You can also try to have a serious conversation with him. Try to find out the reason and help him get rid of the habit of being at work all the time. If a man makes contact and the conversation takes place in a free environment, then let him understand that financial well-being is not the main thing for you.
Give him compliments more often, don’t be afraid to overpraise him. Tell him that you love and appreciate him, not because he brings money into the house and gives gifts, but because he appreciates and cares for you. As a result, you need to prove to him that the time you spend together is very important to you.
A trivial situation: a man works a lot, and the girl is offended by him. And what is there to talk about? Either he came across a dull lady who didn’t realize that money can’t be made out of thin air, or she came across a workaholic who was not inclined to show tender feelings. For a long time I was confident that in such a situation a compromise could always be found, and the topic “what is more important for a man - a woman or a job” did not seem significant to me. Exactly until I found out that my L. almost left me a year ago because I didn’t pay attention to her because of work!
It’s like a blow to the head, you live and think: “Well, even if I’m not an ideal man, but I still give flowers and give compliments.”... "You're sure you're definitely not bad. And here on you: “Yes, we almost broke up when you turned into a zombie.” It turns out that my eyes were like two burning lanterns, in which the light was shining: “Work, work.” She supposedly fell asleep without me for three months, and all I did was drone on about my project and sit at it all night long. She, of course, can understand everything, but you also have to have a conscience, after all!
I found out a lot more, but not all the phrases were printed, so we’ll do without quotes. And to my sincere amazement, why didn’t she talk to me then, a year ago, I only heard a tired: “Have you ever talked to a wall? When you talk to a dog, at least it has understanding eyes, and there’s a chance that you’re not talking into emptiness.” So it turned out that any spaniel would do me in a heart-to-heart conversation.
I see the goal, I see no barriers
Probably, the one who tightened the screws of male nature set us only one goal, or rather set the direction - forward and only forward. We run headlong for a promotion at work, for money, which, as we know, is never too much, for success in everything. Higher, better, stronger is our motto. We are so designed that we want all the best - the coolest car, the biggest house, the most... well, let's say we already have the most beautiful woman. But still, it is precisely because of this sense of purpose that a lot of misunderstandings arise with this life. A man is driven by a specific goal. It doesn’t matter what you have to do, the main thing is to do it, and thereby prove, and first of all to yourself, that you are a real man.
Do we look like madmen at this moment? Definitely yes. And few people are ready to support us and endure us in such moments. If there is a lady of the heart next to the “madman”, then she, poor thing, will have to skip and run next to her, keeping up with her beloved, and even carry all the household belongings on her shoulders. Such women will hear the eternal “darling, I’ll push myself now, and then we’ll have everything, and I’ll only be yours.” “Later” may not come soon enough, but it may also come when the hero, alas, is left alone.
Who will win
Of course, such marathon races and storming professional heights are not a permanent male condition. For some, it doesn’t overtake them at all; if the work is boring, then they feel the urge to do it, not only overtime, but also at the required hours and have no desire. But there are also people who both think and live by work. With creative people the matter is clear. If a woman falls in love with a writer (actor, artist, musician), then she will initially have to put up with a constant work rival. And I consider entrepreneurs to be creative people: they have a lot of ideas in their heads that require immediate implementation. And you can’t put them aside, and you can’t get them out of your head. I just want to say in justification of men’s “professional passion” (and, as a result, complete indifference to their friends): “It’s not us, it’s nature!” But who will believe?
True, there are truly strong women who can stand next to such men. And the nerves of such ladies will be greatly frayed by their “geniuses”. One of my friends, who lived with a science fiction writer for 15 years, came out of this relationship with two bags and a simple truth: living with writers is difficult, but living with bad writers is impossible. I have seen such life scenes more than once: he with great prospects for the future, she with simple thoughts about the present. And between them, as a rule, everything ended. Most often quickly, and sometimes long and painfully.
Any man passionate about his work (not necessarily an artist, even a manager) balances on a thin blade. On the one hand, he has a beloved woman, the meaning of his life, and on the other, self-realization and career, the purpose of his life and, in essence, himself. In trying to find a middle ground, the realization comes that this choice is unrealistic. Self-realization or a loved one - no one is able to choose one over the other. But it doesn't work that way. Because a choice must be made. Always.
Lost in translation
It's difficult to talk about compromises. You can’t say to a woman: “I won’t pay attention to you for six months, I have an important project here (not more important than you, but still)” - or: “I have no time for you now, but in general I love you. Strongly". That is, you can say something, but rarely will anyone appreciate such sincerity. And yet, it’s worth trying to find a compromise, although not a single woman can prove to a man that he “abandoned” her for work. Because a man works to be the best in her eyes. That is, he works for her! So what kind of inattention are we talking about? Yes, this is all about the same thing as thousands of years ago: whoever is the best hunter is the most worthy male. But a year later, ten years later, he will think and realize that he made a mistake somewhere and missed something. And that the beloved needs not only a male, but also a caring husband.
Due to the nature of my work, I often have to conduct interviews and record them on a dictaphone. Sometimes it takes a month to get around to decoding, and if you are already accustomed to listening to your voice on a recording, then hearing what questions you asked and how you reacted to the words of your interlocutor can sometimes be uncomfortable. Even in such a short period of time, thoughts change, and you think: I would have done differently here. If only there was such a voice recorder that would allow us to record our actions, which we will regret “later”, but could force us to look at ourselves from the outside now. Such a device would be a magical solution to all problems. But there is none, and we need to look for other ways to reach each other and make it clear how indifferent we can be without noticing it.
It’s already one o’clock in the morning, and I catch L.’s persistent glances, which can only mean that it’s time to wrap up the article. And it seems that I am becoming more attentive and stop being a wall.
You met a man, you liked him, but for some reason the relationship is not moving forward... Alas, life is not always like a romantic fairy tale. It is possible that your chosen one simply did not like you. How to find out so as not to waste energy on building unpromising relationships? Psychologist Elena Godina advises.
The fact that a man rejects a woman is not always obvious to her, says the specialist. - Especially if she really cares about this man. Any little thing can be taken as a sign of attention. Meanwhile, this is not so... How can you stop deceiving yourself?
If a man is interested, then when they meet, he will certainly ask the lady for her phone number or other coordinates. Didn't ask? This means you are not the heroine of his novel. You don't have to waste any more time.
Sometimes it happens that after one or two dates a man realizes that you are not his option. He loses interest in you and stops contacting you.
Of course, a man’s short “silence” does not indicate anything, says Elena Godina. He may be busy, sick, on a business trip, and so on. But if your boyfriend disappears without warning for a month or two, you should be wary. However, there is nothing to be ashamed of, and you can try to call or write to him yourself, the psychologist advises. Based on the reaction of your chosen one, it will be clear whether he is going to continue the relationship.
If a man does not answer your emails, and you can never reach him on his mobile phone, then most likely he does not want to maintain a relationship with you anymore. We'll have to come to terms with it.
The same thing happens if a man constantly tells you that he is busy. Remember - if a woman is interested in a man, he will always find an opportunity to communicate with her. Therefore, do not create illusions.
Even if you had sex, this is not a reason to think that the man is now yours. This is the mistake of many women. Perhaps the man had sex with you under the influence of momentary desire and now feels awkward when you call him and try to schedule a new meeting. In general, according to the rules of etiquette, after a sexual date, your partner should call himself. If he is silent, it means it was just sex and nothing more.
Unfortunately, men are often themselves to blame for the fact that women misunderstand them, says psychologist Elena Godina. - It happens that a man is simply too well-mannered and is embarrassed to show a woman that he does not have any feelings for her.
He can chat amicably with a woman, show politeness, and she takes this for male interest. Many ladies think that if a man communicates with them, then everything is fine. Meanwhile, this representative of the stronger sex can communicate in this way with absolutely all women.
Some men also flirt with everyone. If any woman takes this for something more serious, they are sincerely surprised, since they are sincerely convinced that they did not give a reason... This often happens, for example, in work groups.
What are the signs of real interest on the part of a man?
He tries to look at you all the time.
He tries to constantly stay in touch. For example, if he cannot call you, he will definitely contact you via the Internet.
He is interested in your affairs.
He is eager to meet you if possible.
When communicating in person, he tends to touch you. Even if he does not directly offer to have sex, his behavior always shows some kind of sexual interest.
If most of these signs are absent, then this man does not need you.
Of course, you can still try to win his favor, but by force, as they say, you won’t be nice,” states Elena Godina. - It’s better to look for a new chosen one than to cling to someone who is not interested in you. Believe me, sooner or later there will always be someone who needs you.
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You are dating a man who you are very interested in, but the problem is that he works very hard. There is no time left for you. At the same time, he wants a relationship, is ready to court, but he only has free time on weekends (and then he sleeps off first). Why is work more important to him, and even during the sweet-bouquet period he cannot find time? Is it worth continuing such a relationship?
This situation is not uncommon. Self-realization at work is very important for men. This does not depend on their desire or unwillingness - these are the rules of the game that society builds. Firstly, work raises the status of a man, giving him the opportunity to manage and feel confident, secondly, it allows him to earn money to provide for his family, and thirdly, there is an opportunity to realize his abilities. Therefore, many men perceive work as a place of strength and independence - sometimes to such an extent that over time they turn into workaholics.
What is a man trying to avoid with such a pronounced emphasis on work? It is known that the most zealous workaholics appear in families where there is no opportunity to receive the required quantity (and quality) of communication and warmth. So you have to compensate elsewhere - at work. This means that the easiest way to wean a man from excessive attachment to work is to make his home a cozy and pleasant place for him, where he can always receive a portion of care, affection and love. It’s worth making an attempt to have a heart-to-heart talk with your partner, to help him move away from his usual fixation on work. It can be useful to tell him in a calm, warm conversation that material support is far from the most important thing you need from him.
Don't be afraid of compliments. Feel free to overpraise. Tell your man how much you appreciate him. For everything he does for you, not just for money. By doing this, you will actually show the importance of the time spent together.
“Earned” men are divided according to their psychological type into workaholics and hard workers.
A workaholic works like a squirrel in a wheel, not even expecting to benefit from the fruits of his labors. Work for him is an end in itself. For a hard worker, work is a good way to achieve the desired results in life. For example, drive a good car, live in a spacious apartment, and be able to go to a resort with your family. That is, a hard worker works to use what he earns and truly enjoy it.
Explain this difference to the man. Outline the bright prospects of how much pleasure you can get from enjoying what you earn, using it for its intended purpose. Reassure him that you will be happy about this.
Often the main value for a workaholic is a sense of self-worth and exclusivity, which generates confidence: they are nowhere without me. And I’m afraid to rest, because it may turn out that “there” they can cope quite well without him. Therefore, it is important to provide a man with confidence that you respect him for his achievements, no matter what others say.
Come up with a joint hobby (they must be in a good relationship). In some cases, a workaholic simply does not know what to do instead of work. There is even a projective psychological test: name 5 things you do together, besides food and sex. If you are able to list them, the relationship can be considered conditionally stable. If not, fill this gap urgently!
Be emotionally attractive. A woman with a spark is what men dream of. Show in practice that family is much better and more comfortable than work. Don't hold back your passion and temperament. To do this, you need to enter the so-called emotionally resourceful state. To do this, remember a situation in life when you were “at the peak”: cheerful, seductive, satisfied with yourself and life. Watch it like a movie starring yourself, from start to finish. Get used to the created image as much as possible, carefully tracking the sensations from each scene. If everything is done correctly, you are guaranteed a good emotional state.
How to return your husband's love?
Some women have such a character that they always make fun of others. Of course, husbands get the most. They seem to react adequately at first, but in the end, as a rule, they explode, believing that they are being humiliated in this way and not worth a penny. How to calm down and improve relationships?
Constantly making fun of others is a sign of hidden aggression, a desire to devalue another person in order to feel a little higher, better. This aggression protects unstable self-esteem, that is, self-affirmation occurs at the expense of others.
The husband feels this initially and tolerates it as much as he can, but his sense of self-respect will sooner or later resist. The wife needs to admit that she was wrong and tell her that behind her jokes there is a fear of openly showing true feelings, including love. You need to tell him how valuable he is and that his wife understands the inappropriateness of this style of communication. It is worth understanding your relationship with yourself. A person who truly respects himself will never humiliate others, especially close people.
Why is he rushing things?
After two months of dating, the young man immediately surrounds him with care, insists on meeting every day and almost sets a date to meet his parents. Why is he rushing things? For many girls, this behavior is no less alarming than the exact opposite. If something similar happened to you, think: aren’t you worthy of care and attention or can’t make a young man want to see you every day? What do you suspect him of?
Of course, if you are a rich heiress or a wealthy businesswoman, then there may be selfish intentions on the part of the man and a desire not to miss out on a tasty morsel. Sexual maniacs usually do not introduce girls to their parents. As a rule, this is what decent young people from prosperous, friendly families do. They have nothing to hide from their parents; they take into account their opinion.
Meeting your parents does not oblige you to anything, and, by the way, neither does he. No matter how much a young man is in a hurry, it depends on you how quickly the relationship will develop.