If you offended a person, how to fix it. Why is everyone offending me? How to respond correctly to stop attacks
Read also
Communication and manipulation: advice from psychologist Olga Yurkovskaya
When my nephew was 3 years old, he really liked to publicly be offended by his mother. He lay down on his stomach, put his palm under his forehead and lay in the middle of the corridor in the “go away old lady, I’m sad” pose. This could go on for quite a long time, and no amount of persuasion could get him out of there. Either a bribe in the form of sweets, or a cartoon :).
Resentment is a typical child's reaction to any unpleasant events, to restrictions or a completely justified refusal. At 2 or 5 years old, this behavior is understandable. The kid is simply afraid to attack those on whom he depends, who are bigger and stronger.
Sometimes touchiness is also provoked by the behavior of the parents themselves. Words play an important role. Remember how many times you were told that crying and being offended is ugly, that arguing with adults is indecent, and in general, “...live to my age, and then argue.”
But why do we continue to be offended as adults? Do we withdraw into ourselves and cannot fight back the offender? Yes, in adult, conscious life, grievances have a different scale. This is no longer a banal refusal to buy lollipop or ice cream. It turns out that the size of the encroachments on your rights has grown, but the reaction has remained childish - lock yourself in a room and quietly mourn your fate... As you were taught - “swallow” the offense and not contradict adults!
Meanwhile, we have long ceased to be children, and offenders do not care about our quiet tears. The one who offends you, in most cases, knows that he is doing something ugly. However, this does not stop him. Because people do what is most convenient and profitable for them. This is not one of your parents who, tired of seeing your picture of suffering, will make concessions.
So what should we do? How to put the offender in his place like an adult?
Good girl or grown-up aunt
Anger, fear and malice are normal emotions in response to aggression towards you. The natural biological reaction is to either run away, freeze, or “show Kuzkin’s mother.” But for an adult, ignoring means remaining indifferent, and not “saving face” in public. Unfortunately, for many it turns on children's script- negative emotions are clamped inside and do not turn into response actions.
But you're not a little "good" girl anymore, are you? You are an accomplished adult. Maybe the strength in the fists is not enough, but the tongue is definitely there!
What do adult aunts do if they feel offended? They either distance themselves from the offender, reducing communication to a minimum, or “beat pots.” For an adult, independent woman who is responsible for everything that happens in her life, this is the norm. She does not look for cowardly excuses: “What if he gets offended and leaves,” in the case of a relationship with a partner. And he’s not afraid: “What if he fires me then,” every time the boss hits me.
Because she realizes: no one has the moral right to attack her or humiliate her dignity. She behaves in such a way that her friends do not dare to offend her!
Is patience a virtue or a paradise for boors?
It is not for nothing that nature has endowed us with the instinct of self-preservation. It is he who generates aggression and fear in response to an attack. It is normal to experience these emotions, although they are often disparagingly called negative. We need to be aware of them and translate them into adequate action.
It doesn't matter whether your anger turns into words or actions. It is important that you decide how to react. Realized that you were attacked. The degree of harm was assessed. We came up with a solution and implemented it. Even if you decide not to do anything and simply ignore the offender. It's yours anyway conscious choice! This means there will be no regrets, there will be no feeling of humiliation, there will be no feeling of powerlessness and lack of rights. And someone’s offensive words won’t be spinning in your head like a broken record.
So, you have only three options:
- completely ignore the offender;
- get away if conflict is too much for you;
- strike back.
But only after the situation has been analyzed. Of course, in a fit of emotion, you think only about one thing: “I feel bad. I was attacked. We need to defend ourselves." And I want to react immediately.
In most cases, the most ergonomic way is to say what you think and put the situation out of your mind. But sometimes it is more useful not to flog the heat and later deal with the offender as he really deserves. Moreover, it will be more profitable for you, and not for him.
Let the threats sound threatening
You probably politely asked the offender a thousand times not to do this again. They gave arguments and “put pressure” on feelings. Unfortunately, this rarely helps. You can, of course, go into Zen and repeat the mantra “Don’t do this” 158 times :). Stock up on Christian forgiveness and show Buddhist wisdom. But around real world— and no one respects “tolerated.”
Or “having reached the point”, you are ready to blurt out: “Don’t do this again, otherwise we will break up!” However, words must be followed by real actions. If you are not ready to carry out the threat yourself, your words will not have any effect on the offender either. Threatening to leave a person and actually leaving are two different things. And this needs to be understood very clearly.
If a man turned a deaf ear to requests and threats, say: “Goodbye, dear!” — and proudly walk off into the sunset. Because as long as you endure, it won’t get better. Let him bring you back - on your terms.
What do you have to lose? Otherwise, you are doomed to endure rudeness, humiliation and rudeness for life.
Lack of intention does not exempt you from responsibility!
Very often, offenders justify their behavior by saying that they did not want to offend you. You had no idea that their behavior could hurt you. Remember, people lie. Sometimes deliberately - out of fear or benefit. Often they lie even to themselves. In any case, you should not follow the lead of a chronic boor!
There's no difference was the offense caused intentionally or was it an accident: there are your rights and personal boundaries, there are social norms, in the end. If they are violated, you have been attacked! You have suffered damage and must be compensated.
In principle, we can formulate it like this:
- I feel angry/resentful after your words. My self-esteem suffered. Next time in such a situation, I will leave and completely stop communicating with you.
Of course, most professional rude people will not believe it - they will either laugh in your face or pretend to be deaf in both ears. Nevertheless, you expressed your position and warned about the consequences. If a person continues to ignore your feelings, there is no need to communicate with him in the future.
Unfortunately, it is impossible to ward off all the unknown boors in the world. However, you can learn a working pattern of behavior that discourages the desire to violate your boundaries.
Remember: people treat us the way we ALLOW them to. So just don’t let yourself be offended! Get away from the boors. Communicate and collaborate only with well-mannered, ethical people.
Apparently, there is no person who has never in his life (willingly or unwittingly) offended anyone.
Unfortunately, this can be very easy to do. Small children quarrel and offend each other, taking away a toy. Teenagers “harass” their peers with offensive nicknames without even thinking about what kind of wound they are causing. How sophisticatedly and mercilessly adults offend each other... Moreover, the most painful wounds are inflicted by those closest to them.
What to do when you are offended for no reason, when your soul is spat upon, trampled and humiliated simply because the offender wanted it so?
What to do if you can’t resist an insult? If resentment sits like a thorn in your heart?
To mutually hurt the offender and get satisfaction from it?
Or find strength and intelligence in yourself and forgive as it is said in the Gospel: ... love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you and pray for those who wrong you (Luke 6:27-28)?
Very often people get offended by completely harmless things. Sometimes it is not just a word, but just a glance or intonation that is enough for a person to see in them something offensive to himself. Nobody wanted to offend anyone, but the offense - here it is, seemingly out of nowhere and has already sunk into the soul. Why is this happening?
In principle, if you look at it, the word “OFFENDED” - “sya” is an obsolete Slavic vowel of the pronoun YOURSELF. That is, OFFENSED means HAVE OFFENSED YOURSELF.
How often do we inflate an absolute trifle to extraordinary proportions, cherishing and nurturing this resentment within ourselves. These endless internal dialogues with our opponent, sometimes lasting for weeks, months. ...but you said...you did... Moreover, grievances from some distant past begin to grow on this lump, which are already difficult to remember in detail, but a general feeling of that pain and injustice remains. Then it becomes more and more pleasant to feel offended and the magical conviction that at the same time someone owes you something - well, at least apologize, repent.
F.M. Dostoevsky wonderfully described the feeling of being offended: “It’s sometimes very pleasant to be offended, isn’t it? And a person knows that no one offended him, but that he invented an insult to himself and lied for beauty, exaggerated it himself in order to create a picture, became attached to a word and made a mountain out of a pea - he himself knows this, and yet he is the very first offended, offended to the point of pleasantness, to the point of feeling more fun, and thereby leads to true enmity...”
If you don’t extinguish the ember of resentment right away, you can fan it by endlessly searching for some additional “black” touches into a huge fire that will burn not only for many months, but, perhaps, for years. Is it always necessary to show such intolerance towards other people’s shortcomings and weaknesses because of one unkind word, closing your heart to loved ones because of the slightest offense?
Such intolerance makes one feel anxious for the “victim” directly, because one can become offended by the whole White light and remain in complete, proudly offended loneliness.
What is the main cause of resentment? First of all, this is a discrepancy between our expectations from any person. That is, for some reason we decided that another person should act or think or do something the way we act or consider necessary and correct. But he did it differently. Moreover, he acted in the same way as we sometimes act towards him, but we did not notice ourselves, we did not condemn ourselves, but there will be no mercy for him. We can, we have the right, to say or do anything to anyone and anything, but in response to us...
It’s very difficult, but we must at least try to think about these questions. Undoubtedly, you cannot offend or insult each other, you need to think three times before saying something.
But, still, the most important thing is to learn to forgive. After all, every forgiven person, every forgotten insult is the liberation of the heart from a small lump of evil. From the evil that corrodes us from the inside and of which there is already too much in our world.
Where to begin? From myself. Stop offending others!
How to easily offend someone:
He took and threw out his word, angrier than pepper...
And then sometimes a century is not enough,
To bring back a lost heart.(Eduard Asadov)
The best criterion for our words or actions will be the answer to the question: would we like to hear the same thing addressed to us or to have the same thing done to us?
Imagine yourself in the place of another person, with all his problems, troubles, life difficulties. Try to understand not only the reason for the offense inflicted on you, but also the emotions and feelings of this person.
Accept him for who he is. Try to understand that he not only hurt you, but also received the same pain as a boomerang in his heart. And maybe he now urgently needs your help. Be wiser and more generous!
Forgiving an insult is always akin to a feat in which, through your pain and humiliation, you need to see in the offender the same person as yourself, and through his anger and cruelty, see the same diseases that probably exist in you. And even if our offender does not need our forgiveness at all, we ourselves urgently need it. You forgave and seemed to humiliate yourself, but, on the other hand, you lightened your heart, cleansed it of evil.
The greatest humanist, who even forgave his murderer, Mahatma Gandhi wrote:
“The ability to forgive is a property of the strong. The weak never forgive.”
“A person and his action are two different things. While a good action deserves approval, and a bad action deserves condemnation, a person, regardless of whether he committed a good or bad action, is always worthy of either respect or compassion.”
“It is a bad habit to assert that others think wrongly, but we think correctly, and that those who hold views different from us are enemies of the fatherland.”
“Let us respect our adversaries for the same honesty of motive that we claim ourselves.”
“He who has convinced them of his love for them deserves the right to subject people to the harshest criticism.”
"To be able to forgive is a special gift from God,
Not in words, but, most importantly, in the soul...
Forgive and let go, not because you have to,
But because you can do this in your destiny...
Forgive and know that everything is in the past.
And the pain and resentment evaporated and were carried away...
There is tenderness and care in the soul and heart.
Just know, don't ruin your life...
To be able to forgive is a special art.
Not everyone is given it, not everyone owns it.
Look into your eyes, understand, even if not clearly,
That the heart has long been able to melt and love...
The soul is open to goodness and light.
She calls us to meet the moment of dawn together.
And he will sing the song of the morning sun to us.
He will definitely understand, forgive and lead us...
And having learned great truths,
Try to let the light of good into your destiny.
And try to give an answer without bending your heart:
Can you forgive and not betray yourself?...
To be able to forgive is a special gift from God,
Not in words, but, most importantly, in my soul...
Be able to forgive without forcing yourself strictly...
And, most importantly, understand that you also need it..."
May we all have more goodness and light in our lives!
Almost all people experience resentment at some point in their lives. Some quickly forget about such an incident, while others cannot forgive the offender for a long time. There are some grievances that should not be forgiven. But there are no universal recommendations on this matter. Every person has boundaries beyond which he cannot forgive. At the same time, it is unlikely that anyone will deny that touchiness is a negative quality.
It is difficult for others to build relationships with a person who does not forgive anything. In addition, a hidden grudge is always a heavy burden on a person’s shoulders. On one side of the scale there is always resentment, and on the other there is a desire to improve relationships. If we're talking about You can simply forget about a person who is not very necessary and important to you. But when a relationship with him matters to you great importance, you should sort out your feelings and try to forgive. This will make building relationships much easier. Despite the fact that most often we are deeply offended by the people dear to us.
If you have been seriously offended by someone close to you, you need to sit down at the negotiating table. Understand what happened. This can sometimes be very difficult to do. But it’s always worth remembering that the other person’s view is completely different from yours. He may not know that he has offended you. Try to understand the motives of the offender, why he did this to you. Was it the intention to harm you? Or was it an accident? Or maybe the offender has no idea about your feelings?
Why is resentment needed?
Forgiveness is more necessary for those who have been offended. It is not always necessary to repent of the offender in order to let go of the anger towards him. Try to track why you hold a grudge against a person. There are often cases when a person deliberately causes a feeling of guilt and manipulates the offender. It is unlikely that such a relationship can be called sincere.
There is another version of strong resentment: when a person keeps it to himself. In this case, she destroys him from the inside, directs his life towards self-destruction. After all, subconsciously, we wish the offender death.
Resentment is always a demand for a certain attitude or behavior towards oneself. To forgive, you need to figure out whether such a requirement is really adequate or is it just pride and pride.
Forgiving strong offenses always requires great psychological effort and time. But psychological comfort and peace of mind at the moment of letting go of anger is always worth it. You should not hope that as soon as you decide to forgive, the resentment will evaporate. Forgiving deep hurts takes time. At the same time, the sooner you start to deal with your feelings, the better. When resentment lives in the mind for a long time, over time it acquires more and more sinister features, and it becomes more and more difficult to forgive.
Resentment has a twofold definition. On the one hand, this is an unfair action caused to a person and upset him. On the other hand, there is a complex feeling consisting of anger at the offender and self-pity. The article explains how resentment arises and how to overcome it.
The content of the article:
A feeling of resentment is a natural defensive reaction caused in response to unfair insults, grief, and negative emotions resulting from it. It can be caused by loved ones, acquaintances, teachers, work colleagues and even strangers. It appears for the first time between the ages of 2 and 5 years, when the awareness of justice comes. Until this time, the child expresses feelings through anger. In fact, this is the result of brain activity, expressed in the analysis of the “expectation - observation - comparison” chain. It is important to learn to cope with feelings of resentment so as not to accumulate negative emotions within yourself.
Characteristics of resentment
Resentment is characterized by a powerful emotional charge. It always has consequences and negatively affects the dynamics of relationships with others. This is clearly seen from the speech patterns “I harbor a grudge,” “I’m offended to the point of tears,” “I can’t get over my grudge,” “I can’t see anything around because of the grudge,” “deadly grudge.”
Main characteristics of resentment:
- Causes acute emotional pain. This is a defensive reaction to an action that a person considers unfair to himself.
- Accompanied by a feeling of betrayal. The offended person often says: “I never expected this from you.”
- Arises against the background of betrayed trust or unjustified expectations. That is, I didn’t get what I expected: I wasn’t given it, I was deceived, I wasn’t characterized as positively as I would have liked, etc.
- The actions of another are perceived as unfair. Based on the results of his own observations and comparisons with a similar situation among others: he was given more, the salary for similar work is higher, the mother loves the other child more, and so on. Moreover, this is not always true.
- Experienced long time. In some cases, it remains relative to the object forever.
- It can cause a break in relationships or their deterioration in the event of an unprocessed situation. Hidden resentment can destroy even long-term family ties. Regarding childhood experiences, an unprocessed feeling can result in aggressive behavior teenager, reluctance to communicate with parents after reaching adulthood, etc.
- Directed inward. Often the offended person cannot frankly admit what he was offended by. Therefore, emotions remain deep inside, which makes a person even more unhappy.
- Accompanied by a feeling of irreparability of what happened. This is especially typical for impressionable children: “Vovka called me names in front of my friends. The world has collapsed! I won't be able to communicate with them anymore."
- Characterized by a state of narrowed consciousness. In a state of resentment, a person cannot objectively assess what is happening.
- Affect. May provoke aggressive actions. Immediate or delayed.
In some cases, strong resentment is accompanied by a loss of vital support, even to the point of a desire to die. The victim becomes depressed and experiences phenomena of loss of meaning in life, interests and desires. Apathy appears. Suicidal thoughts and aspirations arise.
A life-threatening situation arises when an offense is inflicted on a lonely person with little social connections; the offended - someone very close and significant, some complex basic expectations and hopes for the future were associated with him; the cause of the offense affects vital areas or aspects of the personality.
Psychosomatics of the emergence of feelings of resentment
It is believed that resentment is an acquired feeling. Infant He can be happy, angry, and upset immediately after birth, but he learns to be offended later. He adopts this form of behavior from his parents or other children aged 2-5 years. However, recent evidence suggests that children may experience this feeling even earlier. Practicing psychologists who observed their babies from birth recorded feelings of resentment in infants as well.
The psychosomatics of resentment are very broad. This feeling can kill or provoke a serious illness, including cancer or a heart attack.
The fact is that the aggressive component of resentment is most often directed inward and is very difficult to overcome. Aggression has a high intensity of experience. These are hormones. This is an excess of adrenaline that does not find a way out of the body and bubbles inside a person, striking weak spots.
Men, unfortunately, are not as strong emotionally as women. It is more difficult for them to respond to their offense. They cannot pronounce it when chatting with their friends and suffer more. For example, a father invested all of himself in his daughter, and she disappointed him with her behavior. As a result, the irreparability of what happened provokes a heart attack or even cancer.
Women's health also depends heavily on mental well-being. During the examination, the gynecologist always asks if there are any conflicts with her husband. This is not idle curiosity. Conflicts and grievances against a loved one are postponed by cysts, fibroids, mastopathy and other gynecological problems.
Psychologists studying the connection between women's grief and women's health, they claim that ladies’ bitterness from communicating with loved ones is localized in certain places:
- Breasts, uterus, cervix - grievances against husband. Since these are the reproductive organs, they are the ones who perceive all negative emotions. family life. Sometimes the result of unexpressed experiences, stress and problems in the family can be a diagnosis of “Infertility of unknown etiology.” That is, the feeling of resentment became so strongly strengthened in the girl’s mind that the body found a way out for itself by prohibiting having offspring in this relationship. Only a psychologist can help.
- Left ovary - grievances against mother. Perhaps the reason here lies in the close connection between mother and daughter. We can also say that the heart is located on the left. Therefore, the feeling receives a response in this organ.
- Right ovary - resentment against father. It is here that the feeling of resentment towards the dearest man lurks, who is obliged to protect and support from the cradle.
At first glance, the main locus of feeling is directed inside the person. Resentment is associated with severe emotional pain, and it seems to us that this is its the main point. But a careful analysis shows that this is not entirely true.
The main components of the structure of feeling are anger and powerlessness. The latter arises because the event happened, and nothing can be changed. Anger is directed at the person who offended us. It is due to the fact that expectations were not met. For example, we give someone a gift and expect that person to be happy and actively use it. And in response there is indifference or even a negative assessment.
This is where resentment arises: powerlessness to change anything and anger. At the same time, we often do not have the opportunity to express it, since we will show our weakness or cross the boundaries of decency. Therefore, anger does not come out, but turns inward and seethes there for a short or long time.
The main types of feelings of resentment
It is necessary to distinguish the actual offense from the mental one. It is mental resentment that can destroy relationships and a person’s life year after year, without giving him any chance of happiness. The mental nature of the feeling is the attachment of the basic feeling of disadvantage received in early childhood to all subsequent relationships. It is as if a person views every conflict or misunderstanding with others through the magnifying glass of old traumas. Therefore, even a minor misunderstanding is perceived as a mortal offense, and the relationship goes downhill.
Women's resentment towards men
Women's grievances stand apart and give rise to a whole range of personal, family and child-parent problems. A girl, a woman, is a weak and defenseless creature. In many cases, she simply cannot adequately respond to the offender, since she is entirely dependent on him.
The danger of female resentment lies in its ability to poison the entire space around for many years to come. And finding the ends and reasons in such cases can be extremely difficult.
Resentment towards your husband may be a consequence of childhood trauma. The father did not support, was indifferent, criticized, and took out anger. The girl's expectations of a supportive and protective father figure were not met. A mental (basic) resentment arose. It seems that this feeling should not spread to the husband, this is a different person, but it turns out differently.
In any tense situation, basic bitterness joins momentary discontent, and resentment towards a loved one grows to cosmic proportions. It seems to the woman that her husband does not love her, deliberately offends her, does it out of spite, does not appreciate her, and she makes more and more scandals. In such situations, men most often run away, but that is not the end of the story.
The next husband comes, then another, but everything ends according to the same scenario. In the end, the unfortunate woman concludes that all men are assholes and begins to ignore the stronger sex. Some come to this conclusion after the first time and never enter into a relationship again.
But the situation becomes especially threatening if the offended woman gives birth to a male child. On the surface, she seems to love him and would scratch out his eyes for him, but an internal veiled resentment towards the man forces the mother to put pressure on the baby almost from childhood. She always finds a reason: he wasn’t careful enough, he wasn’t attentive enough, he did something wrong, he didn’t come on time, etc. The result may even turn out to be a maniac.
Men's resentment towards women
Boys are very vulnerable. They cope less well with conflict because they are unable to show emotion, express it through tears, or talk openly. After all, society teaches them from childhood that “Only girls cry”, “Be a man, otherwise you’ll become a nurse.”
The result of this is negative emotions accumulated over the years, which resonate in problems with others and mistrust of people in general. For example:
- If it's all your mother's fault. Typically, difficulties arise in men with a strong-willed and tough mother. She controls every step, it is difficult to get affection and attention from her. Usually such mothers are careerists who gave birth “to be like other people” and do not take an active part in their son’s life, limiting themselves to punches for bad grades and unworthy behavior. Or, on the contrary, those who believe that “I gave my whole life to him.” Such mothers simply have nowhere else to direct their emotions except to the child. These could be divorced, abandoned or betrayed ladies. They constantly control and blackmail even their adult sons. Usually it is extremely difficult for such children to build their own destiny, since they do not want to upset or offend their mother. And she, in turn, does not see a suitable match for her beloved son. As a result, an adult man remains offended for the rest of his life and may even die alone, never having found a woman who is able to please his mother.
- If your first love, your wife, is to blame. Resentment from the first relationship or betrayal can be reflected in any subsequent ones. As in the case of women, men begin to look for a catch in new relationships, do not trust their partner and wait for them to be “stabbed in the back.” Usually, if such a person gets married, he becomes a terrible jealous person, tormenting his wife with suspicions, albeit completely groundless.
- If it's your daughter or son's fault. As mentioned above, even resentment over unfulfilled dreams in relation to one’s child can lead the offended person to oncology. Most often, this condition affects emotional men who spent a lot of time on their children and did not expect that they could become different than they were in their dreams.
Positive and negative manifestations of resentment
The feeling of resentment is part of the structure of our emotionality and cannot be bad or good by definition. It simply exists as a normal reaction of the psyche to unpleasant influences. But psychologists do not welcome touchiness as a character trait and in every possible way recommend getting rid of it.
A person who is offended all the time, tragically silent (man), capriciously blowing his lips (woman), does not demonstrate his true emotions. They use touchiness to manipulate others. By demonstrating their resentment and dissatisfaction, they try to control their loved ones.
The mechanism of the destructive effect of resentment is most clearly visible in the mothers of elderly bachelors. Every time their sons try to arrange their personal lives, such mothers fall into prostration. No, they do not create scandals, but their appearance expresses all the sorrow of the world, and the sons give up.
Touchiness makes life easier for its owner, but spoils the health of others. It is much easier to play on the guilt of people close to you than to try to come to an agreement with them. The tactics of such manipulation have enormous possibilities for control, but there is no need to talk about spiritual closeness, respect, mutual understanding, and contact in the family. Touchy people afraid and apprehensive. People communicate with them through force, out of a sense of duty rather than out of love.
In fact, grievances bring enormous benefits, which are expressed in the following:
- Shows our weak points. You should never let go of this feeling without understanding what it signals. For example, a cheerful conversation between a partner and a friend caused strong resentment and wild jealousy. By delving into yourself, you may find that the negative reaction has its roots in childhood, where your parents preferred you to your brother or sister. You need to work on an old childhood trauma, and then an ordinary friendly conversation will not cause such painful experiences.
- In the event of the end of a relationship, the benefit of resentment is its anesthetic properties. A breakup is accompanied by a whole bunch of unpleasant things. Longing for another person, lack of communication with him - this is extremely difficult to bear. But anger and self-pity help to distance oneself from someone who has been an important part of one’s life for a long time. The strength appears to turn the page and move on.
- Resentment helps to free yourself from negative emotions. She lifts all the emotional slag from the soul and brings it out. In addition, it is even useful to sort things out from time to time. As noted above, “small cups” are better than years of accumulated discontent.
How to get rid of resentment
Figuring out how to overcome a negative feeling is not easy. Practicing psychologists offer numerous recommendations, but they either do not work in a state of emotional outburst or are difficult for non-specialists to use. However, it is impossible to live for a long time in a state of severe emotional distress. Therefore, you need to choose from a variety of tips the one that is more or less suitable and use it.
Ways to get rid of resentment:
- Don't accumulate in yourself. In one legend, a sage advises using a “small cup” for misunderstandings with people. That is, do not accumulate your dissatisfaction to unbearable proportions when it ends in an outburst of emotions, a scandal or a break in relationships, but clarify all the points that are classified as unfair immediately.
- Let go of the situation, accept everything as it is. Resentment is always the result of our unjustified expectations. They are generated by dreams, desires and our ideas about others. It is not the person’s fault that we have invented character traits for him that he does not have. Moreover, it is not his fault that he does not have telepathy and does not guess our desires. Awareness of this fact helps to reduce the degree of our dissatisfaction and paints the problem in a completely different way.
- Be sure to speak out. Negative emotions leave through words. Contact your friends, girlfriends, psychologist, priest, call the helpline. The main thing is not to carry negativity within yourself.
- Working through the situation with a partner. Take courage and break the silence. Explain your feelings to the offender and make a claim. Most likely, he will be surprised and annoyed. Even if you were offended on purpose, they are unlikely to admit it. More often than not, people feel extremely uncomfortable and apologize.
- Forgive and let go. If you see that someone is purposefully constantly offending you, think about whether you really need this person? Loving people treat partners with care. They can hurt unintentionally. But, if the situation repeats itself for a long time, you may be dealing with an energy vampire. These types of personalities feed on other people's pain. They cannot be remade. The only way out is to leave.
- Introspection. Try to understand whether it was this person who offended you, or yours. strong reaction lies in past troubles. Perhaps overwork, nervous tension or old injuries are to blame. Then you need to apologize, not to someone in front of you.
- Help from outside. If you can’t cope with painful experiences on your own, a psychologist will tell you how to let go of the grudge. A specialist is not cheap, but our well-being, love, relationships are priceless. Moreover, the body’s response to a feeling can be not only a temporary disorder, but a broken life and lost health.
Thus, resentment is a complex psycho-emotional state that all people without exception face. It is important to get rid of it in a timely manner and not carry it around for years. This is harmful to our mental and physical health.
The unpeaceful spirit that struck last years both society as a whole and many of its individual members are trying today, as it were, to legitimize some of the sins against one’s neighbor that have become habitual: vindictiveness, condemnation, mistrust, ill will, hatred. Therefore, it would be useful to talk about how Orthodox Church teaches us to treat those whom we consider our opponents and enemies as “those who hate and offend us.”
Man is created in the image and likeness of God, and just as it is not characteristic of an All-loving God not to love someone, so it is not characteristic of man. He who hates his neighbor (even a guilty one) acts against his nature, breaking and disfiguring it. We consider health to be a great wealth. How even his small loss saddens us. But we often do not notice the damage done to our soul. Although more precious human soul there is nothing in the world. All this beautiful world that surrounds us will one day end its existence and turn to dust. The soul of a person will live forever. For her salvation, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, shed His Divine Blood. “What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul?” (Mark 3:36) - says the Savior.
Do not harm your soul, do not violate your divine order, do not violate the law of love for your neighbor - these are the rules that guide Orthodox Christian in his relationships with any person, remembering that every person, no matter how corrupt and sinful he may be, bears within himself the image of God. This lack of malice and desire for good, even to the enemy, was reflected in Orthodox prayer“About those who hate and offend us”: “Lord:... forgive those who hate and offend us, and instruct them from all evil and wickedness to brotherly and virtuous living.”
It happens that the actions of our enemy or the great damage caused by him, and most importantly, our spiritual imperfection does not allow us to see in him not only the image of God, but also the image of man. Let's not rush to judgment. Let us first turn to our conscience. Are we really that pure ourselves? After all, a thief cannot judge a thief, nor can a slanderer judge a slanderer? The conversation is about personal condemnation, since the judge, a person, although not without shortcomings, nevertheless judges the criminal, because he judges not in a personal court, but according to existing laws.
Many of us do not see our sins and therefore are not able to condemn ourselves. Someone will say: “I have never committed such and such a sin, it is not characteristic of me, and therefore I can judge another.” Is it so? Let's take the terrible sin of murder. The majority rejects him. And the Apostle John the Theologian advises not to be deceived: “Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer” (John 3:15).
Sin begins with a thought, with a thought, and if it is not tamed, it grows into action. But he is the same - murder, love of money, slander. Who among us can guarantee that he did not have an evil thought against someone? That you haven’t experienced at least a fleeting, completely “harmless” envy (against the tenth commandment)? Which of us are judges? Let us leave judgment to the One to whom it belongs, the One Sinless One, the Son of God.
People who closely monitor the state of their conscience and keep it in “working condition” with frequent confession, as a rule, rarely condemn, knowing from experience how difficult it is to keep from sin. They sympathize with a sinner as they would sympathize with a sick person. Sin is the same disease. Disease of the soul. In addition, let us remember the Savior’s promise: “Judge not, lest ye be judged, for with the judgment you judge, you will also be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matthew 7: 1 – 3). In one monastery a careless monk was dying. The brethren, knowing about his careless life, expected to see the painful agony of the sinner, but the brother met him in peace and joy. "How so? - they asked him. “After all, you haven’t cared about salvation all your life, why are you calm?” “Since I crossed the threshold of this monastery, I have not condemned a single person and I know that the words of my Savior will be fulfilled on me: “Do not judge, “May you not be judged,” and therefore I die calmly,” answered the brother.
“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Rom. 12:21), the Apostle teaches. It is fitting for us not to throw logs of hatred into the fire of enmity, but to extinguish it with our personal example of goodness and goodness. Let us also rely on the conscience of the enemy. Because conscience is a general Divine law given at birth to every person. “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink: for by doing this you will heap burning coals on his head” (Rom. 12:20), advises the Apostle Paul, comparing a person’s awakened conscience to burning coals.
A familiar little girl from Orthodox family I was once subjected to hostile attacks and insults from my classmate. The offender pushed, pinched and verbally expressed her hostility. The young Christian's grandmother encouraged her to assert herself with nudges, witty remarks, or, ultimately, a complaint to the teacher. But the girl answered: “Nothing, I’ll be patient, and she’ll get used to me and love me.” Indeed, soon her opponent not only abandoned the hostility, but turned from an offender into the best defender. So the kindness and patience of the little first-grader awakened her friend’s conscience and forced the girl to give up her bad actions and even make up for them with good deeds.
In our attitude towards the offender who is angry with us, let the Savior Himself serve as an example, praying on the Cross for those crucifying Him, so that the Lord would not impute guilt to them, “for they do not know what they are doing.” Being almighty God, He does not punish those who are malicious, betray and crucify Him. “I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who use you and persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and the unjust” (Matthew 5:44 – 45).
In the book of the Acts of the Holy Apostles we read about the martyrdom of Archdeacon Stephen: “... and, taking him out of the city, they began to stone him. The witnesses laid their clothes at the feet of the young man named Saul, and stoned Stephen, who was praying and saying: Lord Jesus! receive my spirit. And, kneeling down, he exclaimed in a loud voice: Lord! Don’t blame them for this. And having said this, he rested. Saul approved of his murder” (Acts 7:58 – 60; 8:1). The righteous man prays to the Lord not to take revenge, but to forgive. And the seemingly impossible happens. Saul, who breathed “threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord” (Acts 9:1), becomes an apostle of Christ. Supreme Apostle Pavel.
The desire to insist on one’s own, arrogance and family jealousy often create long-term difficult confrontations among employees or relatives, not only between two individuals, but sometimes even entire camps of opponents. There are cases, at first glance, hopeless, when it is impossible to extinguish the hostility of one side. Of course, patience and meekness somehow pacify this enmity. But often we don’t have enough of them! And here, as in any sorrow, we can fall to the Source and Giver of all good things, to the Lord. “Cast your sorrow upon the Lord, and He will nourish you...” (Ps. 54:23) - says the Prophet.
I remember a story that happened in a familiar family. A believing girl married a baptized man, but did not church man. She brought her husband into her family. After some time, the young man took an active anti-church position, and relations between relatives became very difficult. Especially often, son-in-law and mother-in-law clashed in religious or anti-religious disputes. There was no end to mutual claims, verbal insults, direct insults and nagging. The family did not avoid actions that could annoy the enemy. The husband's new relatives, believers, tried to restrain their hostility and repented of hostile attacks in confession. But they categorically refused to pray for their son-in-law. And in the notes “about health” that were given in the church, Alexander’s name was never written. “How can we pray for him, because he rejects God and says nasty things about the Church,” explained the mother-in-law. And yet she bowed to the priest’s persuasion, began to give “health messages” in church, and remembered her in prayer for her relatives. The hostility began to subside. Six months later, the young couple got married, the son-in-law began going to church, confessing, and receiving communion. It took me a long time to get used to the post, but I managed to cope here too.
It is easy to pray for dear relatives, for benefactors, for friends. Praying for the enemy is not easy. We consider the offender unworthy of our prayer, unworthy of God's mercy, unworthy of salvation. But if we work hard, overcome our mood, resentment, condemnation, then our prayer, labor prayer will not only be an intercessor for our enemy, but also an intercessor for us. “Save, Lord, the servant of God (name of the enemy), and for this prayer, have mercy on me, a sinner,” we pray for the one who has caused us sadness. For the sake of my prayer for the enemy, have mercy on me, Lord.
Situations of hostility and adversity are sometimes tolerated so that we can manifest ourselves in them as Christians. Every day in the Lord’s Prayer “Our Father” we repeat more than once: “and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” We ask the Lord to leave, forgive, forget our sins. But we make the fulfillment of this request dependent on our forgiveness of the offenders, on our forbearance. Do we dare to utter these words, keeping in our memory the resentment of someone’s guilt against us, remembering the past evil, even if we did not respond to them with any action. “And when you stand in prayer, forgive if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your sins. If you do not forgive, then your Heavenly Father will not forgive you your sins” (Mark 11:25-26), warns the Savior. The state of memory malice is graceless and aggravates all our sins.
Our hearts are hurt not only by hatred and enmity directed at us. We sympathize and have compassion for our neighbors and those far away who find themselves victims of someone’s hostility or evil deed. This feeling in us is legitimate. Pity for the unfortunate person prompts us to provide merciful help, motivates us to sacrifice, action, and prayer. But it happens that our sympathy finds itself only in hatred of the offender, in a vengeful and angry feeling against him. We are simply expanding the circle of our enemies, creating the habit of an unpeaceful mood. Let's turn to our heart and see what spirit prevails in it? The spirit of love and peace or the spirit of resentment, malice and anger? Are the words of the Savior about our time: “...And because iniquity increases, the love of many will grow cold” (Matthew 24:12).
The increasing lawlessness in the world, replicated by the press and television, fills our hearts not so much with sympathy and compassion for the victims, but with hatred and anger towards people whom we have never known and will never know, sometimes long dead. Our personal sense of justice demands punishment; the mind, clouded by hatred, invents revenge. Is there love here? Is our spiritual participation in all the world’s sorrows really necessary? Moreover, the events that disturb our souls are taught in a private interpretation, and often in a completely distorted form. What, besides desecration of our own soul, will our curses bring to the deceased? statesman, “who has messed up”, or addressed to the staff of some Cape Town hospital who mistreat patients? How often are lovely family evenings and feasts overshadowed by discussion? political intrigues, crimes and disasters! The picture is familiar to everyone, when people methodically discuss the misconduct of an official, an artist, some prominent person, living or even dead. Evidence of guilt and suspicion are laid out one after another. And with ever-increasing anger or malicious irony, “judgment and reprisal” are carried out.
It seems that the Angel has left the conversation and darkness is gathering over the distraught people. In my memory, many intra-family confrontations, quarrels and insults were born in such accusatory conversations and verdicts.
When searching for truth in history, politics and private life, we must be careful so that the truth does not acquire more and more enemies for us, so that in the pursuit of justice we do not become depleted of love. After all, even righteous anger is still anger. And anger is fruitless. It does not create life, it does not give joy. “The wrath of man does not create the righteousness of God” (James 1:20), says the Apostle.
One day, seeing the disrespectful attitude towards the Savior on the part of the inhabitants of a certain village, His disciples were indignant: “Lord! Do you want us to tell fire to come down from heaven and destroy them, just as Elijah did? But He, turning to them, rebuked them and said: You do not know what kind of spirit you are; for the Son of Man came not to destroy the souls of men, but to save” (Luke 9:54-56). Let us also be aristocrats of the spirit, the saving spirit of love. Peace to all. Amen.
______________________
Prot. Sergiy Nikolaev. For consolation, go to the priest. M., 2005