Duration of the initial stage of grief. Stages of grief and loss

Hello, dear readers! Death is an integral part of our life. Of course, be prepared for loss loved one impossible. Such events are always accompanied strong feelings. Today I would like to look at the stages of grief after the death of a loved one and tell you what features are found at each stage before a person finally comes to terms with the loss.

Live through all stages

Losing family and friends is always very difficult. We cannot be prepared for such events, and after all, each person experiences it differently. This is individual and too personal. But according to the psychology of grief and grief, there are several stages that a person goes through when faced with loss.

Some distinguish 4 stages, others divide into 5 or 7. In my opinion, the number into which this period can be divided is completely unimportant. A general understanding of the grieving process is important.

Let's look at these stages, understand what a person is going through at a certain moment, how we can help and support him at this moment, and what will await him next.

Negation

A close encounter with death leaves a person in shock. He does not believe in what happened, does not admit to himself, the consciousness and subconscious deny this terrible reality, in which there is no longer a native and loved one.

At this moment, a person may experience memory loss. All the days are mixed into a single whole and it is difficult to remember where you put a certain thing or the last time you ate something. Sometimes the first stage is accompanied by disorganization, some things are constantly lost. And, of course, it happens that a person behaves in a completely unusual way.

It is very important to go through the denial phase and ultimately accept the fact of the loss. This period most often does not last very long. But right now it’s better not to leave him alone, to support him and be there. Of course, most often he will not hear words of regret, but the presence of a loved one nearby helps a lot.

Resentment, rage, anger

Here we are talking about a sense of justice. The person will hate everything. Everything happens wrong, all the people around are doing wrong, no one can do everything right, and so on.

Sometimes the rage can spread to the loved one he has lost. “How dare you leave me.” This period is very emotional and is often said to be the most painful. Emotions and feelings come out, the storm can hit with such force that there is not enough air in the lungs.

The person has inappropriate reactions, loses his temper easily or cries constantly. Again, each person experiences the stages of grief differently.

Guilt

At this stage, it seems that you have paid so little attention to your loved one. Didn't say something, didn't do something. Very often, at this moment, people go far into the past, replay various events in their heads, and remember the moments spent together with the person.

The last stage is acceptance

Of course, returning to your old life will be difficult. But over time, the strength of emotions passes, feelings subside. This is where it's really important to really go further. Learn to find a replacement for what was previously given by the person who left our lives.
The person gradually returns to his usual rhythm, begins to laugh, rejoice and move on with his life. Here we can also talk about adaptation and creating a new rhythm of life.

Sometimes it happens that a person falls into pathological grief. This happens by various reasons. Perhaps he was unable to attend the funeral or a loved one went missing and there is no accurate information about him.

So, he adopts the habits and manners of the person who has passed away. Sometimes he exhibits similar illnesses. The room or apartment of the deceased remains unchanged. This period can drag on for a long time and only a psychologist can help in this situation.

I want to bring to your attention two articles that will help you better understand what to do, how to help a loved one in a similar situation, or how to talk with a child about such a difficult topic: “” and “”.

It is extremely important to go through all the stages, not get stuck in any of them, and in the end come to full acceptance and learn to move on with your life. It is impossible to be prepared for the loss of a loved one. Even when we have to see a relative's serious illness, we still can never be prepared for death.

It is especially difficult for parents who bury their children. After all, it is extremely unfair when young people leave before us.

The person is very strong and is able to cope with any situation. And if you don’t have the strength to act on your own, you should always ask your family for help or go to a psychologist. The main thing is not to be silent and not to keep everything to yourself.

Have there been losses in your life? How did you live it? Who helped you and was there for you? Hard time? What helped you come to your senses and where did you find the strength to move on?

If you have any questions or need help, feel free to write to me and together we will decide what to do in your situation.
Goodbye!

The role of experiences in crisis and extreme situations

The general goal of the work of experiencing is to increase the meaningfulness of life, “re-creation”, reconstruction by a person of his own image of the world, allowing him to rethink a new life situation and ensure the construction of a new option life path, ensure further personal development.

Experience is a certain restoration work, which allows you to overcome the internal gap in life, helps to gain the psychological opportunity to live, this is also “rebirth” (from pain, from insensibility, from a state of hopelessness, meaninglessness, despair). The psychological content of the recovery process and the main task psychological assistance is the reconstruction of the subjective image of the world of the individual (first of all, re-identification, the creation of a new image of the Self, the acceptance of being and oneself in it).

It should be noted that although the experience can also be realized through external actions (often of a ritual and symbolic nature, for example, rereading the letters of a deceased loved one, erecting a monument on his grave, etc.), the main changes occur primarily in the consciousness of man, in his internal space (grief, review of life and awareness of the contribution of the deceased to one’s life, etc.) (N.G. Osukhova, 2005).

Thus, it can be argued that a person resorts to experience (experience becomes the leading and most productive strategy for a person) in special life situations that are insoluble by the processes of objective-practical and cognitive activity, when the transformation into outside world impossible, in situations that cannot be overcome and from which a person cannot escape. Grieving is a natural process, and in most cases a person experiences it without professional help. Due to the relative frequency of experiencing a crisis of loss and people’s insufficient knowledge of the stages of its experience, it is the violations during this crisis that are the most frequent occasion seeking psychological help.

Complex symptoms of grief :

Emotional complex - sadness, depression, anger, irritability, anxiety, helplessness, guilt, indifference;

Cognitive complex - deterioration of concentration, obsessive thoughts, disbelief, illusions;

Behavioral complex - sleep disturbances, senseless behavior, avoidance of things and places associated with loss, fetishism, hyperactivity, avoidance social contacts, loss of interests;

Possible complexes of physical sensations, weight loss or gain, alcoholism as a search for comfort (E.I. Krukovich, 2004).

The normal mourning process sometimes develops into a chronic crisis state called pathological grief. Grief becomes pathological when the “work of mourning” is unsuccessful or incomplete. Painful grief reactions are distortions of normal grief. Transforming into normal reactions, they find their resolution.

I will briefly present the manifestations of the dynamics of experiencing loss (grief) in a schematic form (6 stages).

Features of the dynamics of experiences during loss (loss)

1 Stage of loss crisis: Shock - numbness

Typical manifestations of grief:

A feeling of unreality of what is happening, mental numbness, insensibility, stunnedness: “as if this were happening in a movie.” Speech is inexpressive, low intonation. Muscle weakness, slow reactions, complete detachment from what is happening. The state of insensibility lasts from a few seconds to several days, with an average of nine days

:

“Anesthesia of feelings”: the inability to react emotionally to what happened during long period time - more than two weeks from the moment of loss

Stage 2 of the bereavement crisis: Denial

“This is not happening to me,” “It can’t be!” The person cannot accept what is happening.

Atypical signs of grief (pathological symptoms):

Denial of loss lasts more than one to two months from the moment of loss

3 Stage of loss crisis: Acute feelings

(phase of acute grief)

This is the period of greatest suffering, acute mental pain, the most difficult period. Lots of difficult, sometimes strange and frightening thoughts and feelings. Feelings of emptiness and meaninglessness, despair, feelings of abandonment, anger, guilt, fear and anxiety, helplessness, irritability, desire to retire. The work of experiencing grief becomes the leading activity. Creating an image of memory, an image of the past is the main content of the “work of grief.” The main experience is the feeling of guilt. Severe memory impairment for current events. A person is ready to cry at any moment.

Atypical signs of grief (pathological symptoms):

Prolonged intense grief experience (several years).

The appearance of psychosomatic diseases such as ulcerative colitis, rheumatoid arthritis, asthma.

Suicidal intent, suicide planning, talk of suicide

Violent hostility directed against specific people, often accompanied by threats.

4 Stage of loss crisis: Sadness - depression

Typical manifestations of grief:

Depressed mood, there is an “emotional farewell” to the lost, mourning, grief.

Deep depression, accompanied by insomnia, feelings of worthlessness, tension, self-flagellation.

5 Bereavement Crisis Stage: Reconciliation

Typical manifestations of grief:

Physiological functions are restored, professional activity. A person gradually comes to terms with the fact of loss and accepts it. The pain becomes more tolerable, the person gradually returns to his former life. Gradually, more and more memories appear, freed from pain, guilt, and resentment. A person gets the opportunity to escape from the past and turns to the future - he begins to plan his life without loss.

Atypical signs of grief (pathological symptoms):

Overactivity: abrupt withdrawal into work or other activities. A sharp and radical change in lifestyle.

Changing attitudes towards friends and relatives, progressive self-isolation.

6 Bereavement crisis stage: Adaptation

Typical manifestations of grief:

Life gets back on track, sleep, appetite, and daily activities are restored. Loss gradually enters life. A person, remembering what was lost, no longer experiences grief, but sadness. There is a realization that there is no need to fill your entire life with the pain of loss. New meanings appear.

Atypical signs of grief (pathological symptoms):

Persistent lack of initiative or drive; immobility.

Helping a bereaved person in most cases does not involve professional intervention. It is enough to inform loved ones how to behave with him, what mistakes not to make.

Although loss is an integral part of life, bereavement threatens personal boundaries and can shatter illusions of control and security. Therefore, the process of experiencing grief can transform into an illness: a person seems to be “stuck” at a certain stage of grief.

Most often, such stops occur at the stage of acute grief. A person, experiencing fear of intense experiences that seem uncontrollable and endless to him, does not believe in his ability to overcome them and tries to avoid experiences, thereby disrupting the work of grief, and the crisis deepens.

In order for painful reactions of grief, being distortions of normal grief, to be transformed into normal reactions and find their resolution, a person needs knowledge about the stages of experiencing grief, the importance of emotional response, and ways of expressing experiences.”

This is where a psychologist can help: determine where a person is stuck in his experiences, help him find internal resources cope with grief, accompany a person in his experiences.

Experiencing grief is an almost inevitable process in the life of every person. This is the price we pay for a relationship with a loved one. The process of experiencing grief is personal and has many individual characteristics, however, psychologists still identify common types of reactions to the news of an approaching or already accomplished disaster.

J. Teitelbaum summarized the most important thing that we know about the experience of grief.

1. Grief is a complex phenomenon that covers the emotional and somatic spheres, as well as the sphere of everyday activities and communication, where grief creates difficulties in adaptation, isolation, loss of performance, etc.;
2. To experience grief means not only to experience the corresponding emotions, but also to overcome them;
3. To experience grief, you need to feel, express and accept all the emotions it evokes;
4. Although grief is painful, it is a normal and inevitable experience in life; grief is surmountable, moreover, it provides the opportunity for personal growth; Knowledge of the grief process has a therapeutic effect on the grieving person.

Today there is no single generally accepted classification of periods of the grief process, although researchers note the same clinical phenomena. At the same time, one can note the presence of general trends in various periodizations of the grief process, the closeness of some of them to each other. Most researchers record five main psychological reactions of a grieving person: shock, denial, aggression, depression and acceptance. However, the opinions of researchers differ on the question of the path of grief development.

The clinical picture of acute grief is very similar to different people[Lindemann, 1944]. In addition, there is great resemblance in reactions to loss in different societies. The experience of loss is the same for all cultures, regardless of religion, spiritual or everyday beliefs [Whitehead, 2002]. The expression of emotions varies among different cultural groups.

We will include the following as subjects of the grief process: 1) people who have lost a loved one; 2) relatives of terminally ill patients, since the grieving process begins with the discovery of the fact of imminent loss or from the moment of loss.

According to A.V. Gnezdilov [Gnezdilov, 2007], relatives of terminally ill patients experience almost the same psychological reactions in response to the stress of approaching death as the patients themselves. E. Kubler-Ross (1969) considers his classification applicable to both patients and their loved ones who are in a state of grief. Therefore, perhaps, patients in the later, incurable stages of the disease should also be considered subjects of the grief process, but it should be emphasized that there is a specificity of the experience here.

The experience of grief can be caused by any loss. V. Volkan believes that one of the most important truths of human life is that “... people do not give up anything easily. Even when we overcome hardships and move towards better life, we grieve for what is left behind” [Volkan, Zintl, 2007, p. 13]. S. Freud writes: “Sadness is always a reaction to the loss of a loved one or an abstract concept that has replaced him, such as fatherland, freedom, ideal, etc.”

According to this expanded understanding, if changes occur after an event in life, this can be considered as a loss of the previous state, which implies the experience of grief. However, the loss of a loved one is the most stressful twist of fate, the experience greatest loss of all that can be suffered in earthly existence.

Thus, we can conclude that the grieving process is a universal process, experienced with similar psychological reactions by all subjects of the loss process, as well as people all over the world, for all cultures, regardless of religion, spiritual or everyday beliefs and ideas.

Classifications of the stages of the grieving process by various authors

Z. Freud in his work “Sadness and Melancholia” does not distinguish separate stages of grief. The general meaning and direction of grief processes is to tear psychic energy away from a loved, but now lost object. “The object continues to exist psychically” until the end of this work, and at its completion the “I” becomes free from attachment and can direct the released energy to other objects. According to F.E. Vasilyuk [Vasilyuk, 1991], the disadvantage of this theory is that it “explains how people forget the departed, but it does not even raise the question of how they remember them.”

The sequence of stages proposed by modern psychoanalysts is based on the above theory and demonstrates the universal process of separation of psychic energy from a loved one:

• understanding, accepting and coping with loss and its accompanying circumstances;
• grief, characterized by a withdrawal from attachment and identification with the lost object (decathexis);
• resumption of emotional life in accordance with the level of one's own maturity, which often includes the establishment of new relationships (recathexis).

E. Lindemann, studying the phenomenology of acute grief, notes five phases, or stages, in the process of experiencing it:

• negation;
• indignation, anger;
• regret, despair, depression;
• reconciliation;
• Adoption.

J. Bowlby identified three phases child's grief, similar to the three phases of adult mourning. The first phase is protest, when the mourner rejects and resists the idea of ​​death and loss. The second phase is disorganization, during which the griever gradually realizes that the lost loved one will never return. The third phase is reorganization, when the process of accepting the loss and the final goodbye takes place. During this time, the grievers return to normal life, although they still sometimes become upset when faced with something that reminds them of grief.

But later both J. Bowlby and K. Parkes began to distinguish four phases:

• "numbness" that lasts from several hours to a week;
• "longing" for the lost person and the desire to regain the loss, which may last several months or years;
• disorganization;
• reorganization.

In J. Pollock's classification, a distinction is made between the acute and chronic stages of grief. He then divides the acute stage into three subphases:

• shock reaction;
• affective reactions;
• reaction to a breakup.

The chronic stage, according to J. Pollock, is similar to the phase classic work grief as described by Sigmund Freud.

J. Teitelbaum views grief as a process consisting of three phases. The first phase is shock. "I do not believe!" - the first reaction to the news of death. The second phase is “suffering and disorganization.” In this most painful phase, consciousness and feelings are absorbed in processing memories of the deceased, depression, feelings of loneliness and guilt are experienced; possible dizziness, headaches, fatigue, sleep disturbances and sexual function. The third phase is “residual shocks and reorganization.” This phase occurs after a few months, when life gradually returns to its groove, thoughts about the deceased cease to be the main thing on which consciousness is focused.

The author of the theory of “re-experience of grief” V. Volkan identified two stages of grief. Initial stage, grief crisis, begins from the moment of loss or discovery of the fact of imminent loss. The body and consciousness reject the fact of loss. To avoid a confrontation with death, a person rushes between denial, splitting, persuasion, anxiety and anger. The crisis period ends when the terrible reality is accepted. The second stage, the work of grief, begins from the moment of accepting the irreversible nature of the death of a loved one. Only acceptance of the fact of death makes it possible to begin a complex internal process of overcoming, as a result of which lost relationships gradually become memories that do not completely absorb the person.

V. Volkan follows Pollock's model, but does not use the terms "acute" and "chronic" stages. He also highlights the process of adaptation that follows the process of grief, like J. Pollock and G. Rokhlin.

The phases of grief proposed by Horowitz as stages of response to trauma are most consistent with initial stages development of grief:

• screaming phase;
• denial phase;
• obsession phase.

Analyzing the universal processes of grief and mourning, Spiegel describes four stages. The first stage is shock, disbelief, episodes of incomplete awareness of the environment, difficulties in comprehending what is happening. The second stage is the restoration of control, passivity, difficulty making decisions, a feeling of inner emptiness, and sometimes an attempt to behave as if nothing had happened. The third stage is regression in relationships with others, complaints, tears, searches for consolation, idealization of the past, acceptance of religious explanations, fear of loss of self-control. The fourth stage is adaptation, a gradual abandonment of regressive behavior.

In the classification of F.E. Vasilyuk [Vasilyuk, 1991] provides five phases of grief:

• shock phase (from a few seconds to several days, on average up to 7–9 days). The author interprets the complex of shock reactions not as a defensive denial of the fact or meaning of death, protecting the grieving person from confronting the loss in its entirety at once, as is usually the case. He believes this explanation is incorrect, since “consciousness, trying to be distracted, to turn away from what happened, would be completely absorbed by current external events, involved in the present, at least in those aspects of it that do not directly remind of the loss. However, we see the exact opposite picture: a person is psychologically absent from the present, he does not hear, does not feel, is not included in the present, it seems to pass by him, while he himself is somewhere in another space and time.” F.E. Vasilyuk believes: “We are not dealing with a denial of the fact that “he (the deceased) is not here,” but with a denial of the fact that “I (the grieving) person is here.”
• Search phase (it is difficult to indicate the time boundaries of this period, since it gradually replaces the previous phase and then the phenomena characteristic of it continue to occur for a long time in the subsequent phase of acute grief, but on average the peak of the search phase falls on 5–12th day after the news of death). The specificity of the phase lies in the fact that hope, which constantly gives rise to faith in a miracle, strangely coexists with a realistic attitude that habitually guides all the external behavior of the grieving person. Weakened sensitivity to contradiction allows consciousness to live for some time according to two laws that do not interfere with each other’s affairs: in relation to external reality - according to the principle of reality, and in relation to loss - according to the principle of “pleasure”. They get along on the same territory: images of an objectively lost, but subjectively living existence become part of a series of realistic perceptions, thoughts, intentions (“I’ll call her on the phone now”), they become as if they are from this series, and for a second they manage to deceive the realistic an attitude that accepts them as “our own”.
• Phase of acute grief or despair, suffering and disorganization (until 6–7 weeks after loss). In this phase, the old connection is not simply separated, broken and destroyed, as all modern theories believe, but a new connection is born. The pain of acute grief is not only the pain of decay, destruction and death, but also the pain of the birth of a new one. What exactly? Two new “I” and a new connection between them, two new times, even worlds, and coordination between them.
• Phase of residual shocks and reorganization (lasts for a year). This phase of F.E. Vasilyuk describes, referring to J. Teitelbaum. At this phase, life returns to its groove, sleep, appetite, and professional activity are restored, and the deceased ceases to be the main focus of life.
• Completion phase (one year after the loss). The meaning and task of grief work in this phase is to allow the image of the deceased to take its place. permanent place in the ongoing semantic whole of the mourner’s life and was fixed in the timeless, value dimension of existence.

F.E. Vasilyuk emphasizes that he considers the phenomena of the grief process in the paradigm of “remembering” and not “oblivion.” In his opinion, the innermost essence of human grief is the task of remembering and remembering. Since human grief is constructive and not destructive (to forget, to tear away, to separate), “it is called not to scatter, but to collect, not to destroy, but to create—to create memory.”

In the classification of E.M. Cherepanova [Cherepanova, 1997] describes four phases of the normal experience of grief in adults and children:

• shock and stupor phase (on average lasts 9 days);
• phase of suffering and disorganization (6 –7 weeks);
• phase of residual shocks and reorganization (up to a year);
• completion phase.

I would like to draw attention to several points of this classification. Firstly, it is difficult to agree with the opinion of E.M. Cherepanova that the mourner, living through the phase of shock and numbness, “feels quite well. He does not suffer, sensitivity to pain decreases, and even the diseases that were bothering him “go away.” Secondly, in the text of the work the complex of shock reactions is described not in the traditional sense as a defensive denial of the fact of death, protecting the mourner from facing the loss in its entirety at once, but in terms of F.E. Vasilyuk, however, without appropriate references to the source.

In the concept of the American researcher E. Prend, the idea of ​​levels of experience is central. It is through the levels of experience that the author makes an attempt to create a more correct stage concept. The author's two key ideas are as follows: firstly, the process of experiencing loss occurs in parallel on two levels - psychological and spiritual; secondly, the process of experiencing is divided into two large stages - initial adaptation and development.

The first stage is referred to by the author as the “initial grief journey” and represents the stages traditionally considered: shock, disorganization and reconstruction. The spiritual level of experience at these stages is of particular interest.

The shock stage exists on a spiritual level in the form of a “no answer needed” state. It lies in the fact that a person cannot believe what happened and constantly asks himself the questions “why?”, “for what?”, “how could this happen?” The questions are rhetorical in nature, the person does not expect an answer to them, since the task of this stage is not to find an explanation for what happened, but to accept the reality of the loss.

At the next stage - disorganization, a person experiences loss in different areas of life. On a spiritual level, these experiences are expressed in the state of “being lost.” The bereaved person may find that his previous worldview cannot explain what happened and cannot cope with the pain of loss.

The reconstruction stage is expressed on a spiritual level in the state of “being found”: productive inner work, the result of which is the discovery of new life meanings, a new acquisition of faith.

The general result of the first stage of experiencing loss is adaptation to the absence of a loved one, restoration or transformation of behavior patterns, and systems of relationships with other people. But the experience of loss does not end there, but becomes the basis, creating opportunities for spiritual development.

The second stage of experiencing loss is called by the author “the vital influence of grief.” It consists of two stages: “synthesis” and “transcendence”. At the synthesis stage, the event of loss is integrated into life, the life picture is restored, and there is a deep awareness of the impact of loss on internal processes. The stage of transcendence consists of attempts to find patterns in the situation of loss and organize one’s life at a new level of spiritual development.

The following structure, based on the theory of F. Parkinson, is described by psychodrama specialist E.V. Lopukhina [Lopukhina, 2003], who distinguishes four phases of the post-stress reaction:

• shock and denial about 9 days. The task is self-anesthesia. The main phrase is “nothing (or almost nothing) happened.” The form of manifestation is the muting of perception (through numbness or increased activation). The criterion for completion is recognition of what happened as real fact life.
• Anger. Strong guilt is a sign that a person is in the anger phase. If the cause of the injury is loss, then anger is born closer to the end of the anger phase, because there is an internal prohibition of anger towards the deceased. If we observe this form of aggression as the main one, this means that the experience of the anger phase is nearing completion. However, the main diagnostic principle is always the presence of activity in this phase, no matter in what form the activity appears. The drop in activity is associated with the transition to the next phase. The excitement decreases only when we have both acknowledged and accepted what happened. At this point, the main task is to move from formal recognition to internal acceptance. The main phrase in this case is: “I know that this happened, but I don’t accept it.” Form of manifestation: protest (in the form of anger or anxiety). The criterion for completing this phase is a sharp decrease in activity.
• Depression and mourning. The transition to a depressive phase is always associated with a drop in energy, a loss of strength. This phase occurs only when we are fully aware that what happened really happened. The task of the third phase is grief. The basic phrase that can be used to express the state of a bereaved person is “the pain goes on and on and has no end.” The form of manifestation is decreased activity, apathy. The criterion for completing this phase is a gradual increase in activity.
• Healing. The task is to introduce trauma into the context of life. The main phrase expressing the inner mood is “I am becoming more in something than before.” The form of manifestation is repeated experiences of trauma (in various forms) without arousal. The criterion for completion is the disappearance of all symptoms of the previous phases.

In B. Dates’ classification, four stages of grief can be distinguished:

• Shock and numbness (shock from several hours to several days after the loss);
• Denial and withdrawal;
• Recognition and pain. B. Dates calls this stage “recognition and pain,” and not “acceptance and pain,” as it is usually called in psychology, since the word “acceptance” carries a connotation of approval. The mourner is ready to acknowledge the death, but cannot accept and approve of what happened. Acknowledging the loss brings great pain, and therefore at times there will be a retreat into a position of denial.
• Acceptance and rebirth. The first sign that the most difficult part of the path has been passed is a change in the questions asked by a person who has suffered a tragedy. Since the loss, the most persistent and persistent question is: “Why did this happen to me?” The day will come, maybe in a year or even later, when a new question arises: “How can I emerge from this tragedy as a new person?”

In the classification of G.V. Starshenbaum [Starshenbaum, 2005] identifies 8 stages of the grief reaction:

• emotional disorganization (from several minutes to several hours);
• hyperactivity (up to 2–3 days);
• voltage (up to a week);
• search (develops during the second week);
• despair (develops on 3 –6 weeks);
• demobilization (occurs when the stage of despair is not resolved);
• permission (may continue few weeks);
• recurrent (up to two years).

Below is Kraitek's four-stage “Normal Pattern of Grief and Grief Following Bereavement” [cit. from: Whitehead, 2002]:

• shock, numbness, denial (from death to two weeks);
• longing, search, anxiety, anger, guilt, loneliness (from one to three months);
• depression, apathy, loss of identity, mitigation, stigma (three to nine months);
• acceptance, healing (from a year or two or more).

In the classification of L.A. Pergamenshchik [Parchamenshchik, 2003] describes three stages of grief.

• Begins immediately after the death of a loved one, usually lasting one to three days . Manifestations: shock, disbelief, denial, numbness, sobbing, confusion.
• Peaks occur between the second and fourth weeks after death; usually lasts for a year. Manifestations: painful melancholy, immersion in experiences; memories, a vivid image of the deceased in the soul: the feeling that the deceased is alive; sadness, tearfulness, insomnia; anorexia; loss of interest in life; irritability and anxiety.
• Usually occurs within a year after the death of a loved one . Manifestations: decreased number of episodes of sadness; the ability to remember the past with pleasure; resumption of daily activities.

The following describes the classifications, the authors of which are leading experts who worked with patients in the late incurable stages of the disease and their relatives. Let us note that they consider it acceptable to apply their classifications to the experiences of both.

Thus, E. Kübler-Ross identified five stages of experiences through which people in severe grief go.

Rice. 1. Stages of the Grief Cycle

In the classification of psychogenic reactions of patients in late, incurable stages of the disease, five phases are distinguished [Gnezdilov, 2007]:

• shock - the patient’s consciousness is filled with a picture of inevitable death, and the mental pain of this stage is difficult to define in words. Often, extreme stress causes reactive psychosis with stupor, less often with agitation;
• denial – repression of the situation;
• aggression - the information received is recognized, and the person reacts by searching for the cause and the culprits;
• “bargaining” - the patient enters into negotiations to prolong his life, promising, for example, to become an obedient patient or an exemplary believer;
• depression - feelings of resentment and guilt, remorse and forgiveness are mixed in the psyche, developing into a mixed complex that is difficult to get rid of;
• reconciliation is a moment of qualitative restructuring of life, revaluation of physical and material truths for the sake of spiritual truths.

Table 1

Comparative analysis of periodizations by various authors

The table shows that models of grief can be divided into three types. The first type is models in which time periods of development of each stage are identified (Vasilyuk, 1991; Cherepanova, 1997; Starshenbaum, 2005; Pergamenshchik, 2003). The second type is models with the allocation of time periods only in some stages (Parkes, 1972; Tatelbaum, 1980; Lopukhina, 2003; Deits, 2000; Kraitek). The third type is models without identifying specific time periods for the stages of grief (Freud, 1917; Lindemann, 1944; Pollock, 1961; Bowlby, 1961; Kübler-Ross, 1969; Spiegel, 1978; Volkan, 1981; Horowitz, 1986; Prend, 1997 , Gnezdilov, 2007).

As we can see, there are certain similarities and differences in the views of various authors. We hypothesize that the discrepancies may be due to several reasons. The recovery of a grieving person depends on many factors, including personal characteristics and social status, attitude to religion, the nature of the death of a loved one, etc.

For example, J. Teitelbaum includes, in particular, the presence of certain character traits as conditions for recovery: patience, perseverance, courage, sense of humor, etc. V. Volkan [Volkan, Zintl, 2007, p. 71] believes that the happier and more mature the relationship, the easier it is to part with it. However, research suggests that for people whose marital life was filled with conflict, the death of a spouse causes less emotional stress than for those whose marriage was stable. This finding contradicts the traditional assumption that a person whose marriage has been in conflict experiences biggest problems upon the loss of a partner. The research also undermines the widely held belief that people with high self-esteem and confidence in their resilience and ability to overcome life's challenges are more protected from the severe shock of losing a life partner.

V. Volkan [Volkan, Zintl, 2007] identifies reasons that can aggravate the experience of grief: isolation of our life from religion or extended family; shock accompanying sudden death; violent death; if the bereaved person does not find recognition of the fact of the existing relationship and the significance of the loss; no history of healthy breakups.

A push in development, be it the birth of a child, a new love, or an experienced psychotherapist, sometimes helps to find resources to successfully resolve a conflict and overcome possible complications in the grieving process [Volkan, Zintl, 2007, p. 73].

You should also take into account the difference in the course of grief after the death of loved ones and after the loss of the closest person. In the latter case, “the entire way of life collapses, from daily routine, habits, plans, to the meaning of life. And it takes much more time to recover, you need to not only survive the grief, but practically recreate your life, find the meaning of continuing to live, learn to live not just without the deceased person, but to live with other people, acquire new habits, sometimes a new circle communication, build new relationships with loved ones” [Trubitsina, 2005, p. 78–79].

At the same time, it should be taken into account that a grieving person, some time after the loss, tends not to show his grief to others. There are several reasons for this, including people getting tired of listening to a grieving person much earlier than his condition improves, and when answering the question: “How are you?”, a person has no choice but to answer: “Good,” because those around him really in fact, they don’t want to hear about suffering. Some are afraid of causing pain, some defend the illusion of their own immortality, fencing themselves off from the suffering of others, etc.

If someone around you does not allow you to cry in his presence, know that he is not worried about your well-being, but about his own. “Love is rooting for another; it hurts her because it hurts a person. A sentimental person is rooting for himself; he is in pain because a negative image of suffering has invaded his consciousness and caused negative emotions. Love is based on the desire for the good of other people. Sentimentality is based on the desire for one’s own spiritual comfort; she perceives the suffering of others as an unpleasant dissonance in her peace of mind” [Gostev, 2007, p. 388].

Most authors believe that the normal grief process can last up to about a year. The compilers of ICD-10 indicate that normal grief reactions do not exceed 6 months, and if grief lasts longer, it should be considered abnormal. It is possible that there are other reasons behind this period rather than “greater optimism.” Thus, Prigerson and colleagues believed that severe symptoms of traumatic grief occurring less than six months after the loss may encroach on the time range of the normal reaction to bereavement.

However, some of the authors of this paper felt that it would be inhumane to insist that bereaved individuals suffer for six months and preferred to follow the DSM-IV rule for major depressive disorder that diagnosis can be made within a two-month period after the loss. The authors were convinced that the benefits of early intervention would more than justify the costs of treating the subset of those individuals whose symptoms could resolve naturally.

Unfortunately, in our time, medications are replacing truly effective psychotherapeutic treatment. Psychotherapy, which is required by a relatively small number of people, requires a certain amount of time, qualified specialists and financial costs. The reliance on fast-acting drugs is due to economic reasons. However, the use of medications is a wrong choice, since they drown out emotions and disrupt the grieving process, for the completion of which emotional release is important.

Thus, the generally accepted tenets of the classical understanding of the grief process are: 1) the development of grief in an expected stage, 2) the view that someone will be able to “get through” grief in a timely manner, and 3) the view that grief can become a type of pathology.

However, many therapists question stage models, even sometimes suggesting to their clients that there is no correct (known) way to grieve. Therefore, we naturally move on to consider the question of views on the path of development of grief.

The path of grief development: staged/phasic or idiosyncratic/unpredictable

The principle of the post-stress reaction, according to E.V. Lopukhina [Lopukhina, 2003], is that for a natural transition to the next phase, the previous one must reach its logical conclusion. In other words, in order to move on, a person must completely solve the problem corresponding to the current phase. However, according to O.E. Khukhlaeva, this is an ideal scheme. "IN real life development is always uneven.

In this case, unsolved problems are transferred to the next phases. This process is called "fixation". Then part of the psyche remains, as it were, “fettered”, fixed in the previous phase, despite the fact that the person, in general, has begun to solve the problems of the next phase. In this case, the symptoms disappear. Often a person may show signs of shock, anger and depression over a short period of time. This makes diagnosis difficult. In order to understand this, you need to carefully observe and differentiate what is happening to a person” [Khukhlaev, 2006].

G.V. Starshenbaum [Starshenbaum, 2005] believes that the reaction can stop at any of the eight stages of grief he identified, and the task of psychotherapy is to consistently guide the patient through all the stages described below in order to resolve the reaction to grief.

A.V. holds the opposite opinion. Gnezdilov. He emphasizes that all the stages of grief he lists are not arranged in a strict order and can change the order. “We often encounter,” he writes, “behind the stage of acceptance there is a stage of denial, or in a patient with new strength the thirst for life may flare up again and the person with whom you have already discussed everything, down to the details of the desired burial, suddenly returns to you and asks: “By the way, doctor, when will you start treating me?” [Gnezdilov, 2007].

E. Kübler-Ross does not distinguish a time frame for the stages of grief. However, other researchers' interpretations of her ideas about the path of grief development differ greatly. Thus, M. Whitehead writes that the theory of E. Kübler-Ross was criticized for being too rigid in the stages prescribed. Critics of this theory argue that “the grieving process seems to go in circles, and some people may move from shock to acceptance. It is also possible that these stages may not progress sequentially.

The grief process has large individual differences. It might be more natural to describe the concept of grief as a cyclical process that involves moving through different stages, but unlike the Kübler-Ross model, it is not a straight line, but a circle that people can go through again and again. For example, if they hear their favorite music or accidentally see a photograph, the grief may be experienced again, despite the time that has passed since then" [Whitehead, 2002].

There is another, directly opposite opinion about the theory of E. Kübler-Ross, suggesting that the author of the theory did not consider “that it should be a rigid chain of successive or similar time intervals. It is not a process as such, but rather a model. There is a subtle difference here: the process presupposes the presence of someone quite concrete and substantial; the model is less demanding - more extensive and guiding. A peculiar example is that people do not always experience all five stages of the “grief cycle.” Some stages may be repeated more than once. Some stages may not be experienced at all. The transition between stages can often be sluggish rather than progressive. These five stages are not linear; none of them are like the other. Human grief and other responses to emotional trauma are as individual as fingerprints."

Representatives of constructivist psychology, offering their views on the experience of loss, emphasize that this is a purely individual process that cannot be divided into stages common to all. The central idea of ​​this direction is that a person always has some pre-narrative of his own life, an idea of ​​the course of his life, its patterns, and possible future events. It consists of expectations, hopes, basic beliefs, worldview and, of course, also includes the lives of loved ones. Traumatic events, in particular the departure of a loved one, destroy the prenarrative or require its adjustment.

The experience of loss, from the point of view of these researchers, belongs to the semantic sphere and represents a process of semantic reconstruction. Representatives of this trend express doubts about the universality of emotional reactions in the process of experiencing grief; the complexity of adaptation processes is postulated. They also deny the belief that successful completion of grief presupposes oblivion of the deceased. On the contrary, it is argued that creating a symbolic connection with the departed has a healing effect; It is not the external symptoms that are considered important, but the process of reconstructing meanings and meanings; it is believed that the experience of grief affects the identity and self-attitude of the bereaved; the possibilities for the development of the spiritual sphere and “post-traumatic growth” of the individual, conditioned by the integration of “lessons of loss”, are considered; The influence of the family and cultural environment on the individual experience of loss is taken into account.

M. McCabe, who develops the direction of relative psychoanalysis together with constructivist philosophy, criticizes, first of all, the stage/phase nature of the dominant models. These models assert that in grief there must be some kind of loss, and the progressive work of grief means that the grieving person will “leave” the object of the loss and move on with life. These models then assume systematic progression through expected linear phases or stages. The inability to “leave” the object of loss and move further through the mentioned stages within a certain time frame suggests that the patient has unresolved grief or some pathology is present. At the same time, there is a risk of classifying the grieving person as a “dysfunctional patient.”

McCabe argues that such a theory completely ignores the ongoing connection between the survivor and the deceased, as well as the changes in the personality of the mourner. Stage/phase theories do not really allow for the continuation of connections between the living and the dead. According to McCabe, grief is a combination of stages and processes, and most importantly, grief develops in unpredictable and idiosyncratic ways that are unique to each individual griever. Grief produces mental work over time, but this does not mean that the individual phases are completely discrete and separable from each other, or that they are linear, occurring strictly in a certain sequence one after another, or that they cannot ever be repeated.

McCabe allows for the continuation of interpersonal relationships between the deceased and the living. The living continues to search for the lost and long time looking for him new and different ways. The living person may imagine how the deceased might participate in and relate to current events, or what they might say to each other if they were together. The living search for the lost, recreate them and continue to be connected with them. During this search, the identity of the seeker also changes and, in a sense, is rebuilt by the deceased. According to the model created by McCabe, “giving up” what is lost is not a goal, and “not giving up” is not a form of pathology. Indeed, keeping the lost “living” within the personality of the mourner is an inevitable component of human existence.

McCabe leads us to believe that our difficulty in understanding death, as well as our desire for stage/phase models, is due to our own fear of death. She agrees with existential psychologists and philosophers that man must come to terms with death as a natural phenomenon in real life, and develops the idea that the lost remain with us even if they pass into another form of existence.

As an illustration, here is an excerpt from Viktor Frankl’s memoirs about his stay in a German concentration camp during World War II:

<…>I knew only one thing that from now on I understood well: love penetrates far beyond the physical essence of a loved one. She finds deep meaning in his spiritual essence, in his self. Whether he is really present or not, whether he is still alive or no longer, somehow loses its original meaning. I did not know whether my wife was alive and had no way of finding out (during the entire period of camp life we ​​could neither send nor receive letters), but in this moment it didn't matter. I didn't feel the need to know this; nothing could affect my love, my thoughts and the image of my beloved. If I had then found out that my wife had died, I think that I would have continued to contemplate her image, and my inner conversation with her would still have been just as lively and blessed. “Apply me like a seal to your heart, love is as strong as death” [Frankl, 1990].

Religious and historical context of the problem: the experience of grief in Holy Scripture and patristic literature

Religiosity is seen as an important factor in understanding the bereavement experience. Some studies have empirically identified this relationship. The influence of religion on the experience of bereavement is due to the fact that it gives meaning to the suffering of the grieving person. "How religious problem, the problem of suffering, paradoxically, is not how to avoid suffering, but how to suffer, how to make physical pain, personal loss, helpless contemplation of the agony of others, something bearable, tolerable - something, as we can say , suffering." Religions try to make bereavement “suffering” by placing it in the context of a person’s spiritual growth, in the interpretative and active framework of this process, in which suffering becomes understandable and bearable.

The experience of grief is given a place in the Holy Scriptures of the Old and New Testaments. First, let's look at the experience of grief by people in the Old Testament. Abraham wept and wept for his wife Sarah, who lived 127 years . Joseph wept for his father Jacob, and he wept not for a day, not for two, but for seventy days. . Holy King David wept bitterly at the news of the death of his son Absalom: “My son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! Oh, who would let me die instead of you, Absalom, my son, my son!(2 Kings 18:33). Isaac mourned about his mother Sarah for 3 years, until he took Rebekah as his wife and loved her and was comforted (Gen. 24:67).

U eastern peoples and among the Jews, in particular, mourning or deep sorrow, especially for the dead, was expressed in different ways: they struck their chests (Nahum 2:7), tore the hair on their heads and beards (1 Ezra 9:3), sprinkled ashes on their heads (1 Kgs 4:12), tore their clothes (Gen 37:29), tore their faces and covered their bodies with wounds (Jer 16:6), spent time in fasting (2 Kgs 12:16), covered their head, face and chin, walked barefoot (2 Kings 15:30), shaved their heads and beards (Isaiah 15:2), put on sad clothes, putting on sackcloth (1 Kings 21:27), during deep mourning they lay down on the ground and sat on ashes (2 Kings 12:16, Isa 3:25, Job 2:8), they combined mournful songs with lamentation and called mourners for this (Jer 9:17, 2 Chron 35:25). The mourning lasted seven days, but on special occasions longer. Similar customs existed among the ancient Greeks and Romans.

What explains such a hopeless, inconsolable state of the Old Testament man experiencing grief? Initially, God created man carefree, free from worries. God wanted us to be dispassionate; He wanted us to cast our cares on Him. He told us through the prophet David: “Cast your sorrow upon the Lord, and feed you with it”(Psalm LIV, 23). Where did suffering and death come from? They were the result of disobedience to God, the transgression of the commandment given by God, the ancestral sin that happened in the Paradise of God.

In books Old Testament, after the story of Adam’s expulsion from Paradise, we practically never see the word “Paradise” used. People who lived during the Old Testament knew that after death all souls go to some dark place, which they called hell or the underworld. However, they still had hope and faith. They were waiting for the coming of the Messiah, the redeemer of the sins of mankind, who could lead the souls of their ancestors out of this darkness and suffering.

In one of his sermons, St. Gregory Palamas develops the idea of ​​the death of the soul, which consists in the abandonment of God:

“For just as where light acts, darkness cannot be with it, but only when the light leaves this place is it covered by darkness, which has its existence not from light, but from blocking it, from shadow, and from death It is impossible to be in our soul if God is present in it - Life Itself and the Life of all living, especially those living according to God. When God leaves her, then death approaches her, which has its existence not from God, but because of the abandonment of God, that is, as a result of sin. But how does He who is omnipresent and absent anywhere leave the soul? Because, first of all, she voluntarily leaves Him, and He, who created her autocratic, does not use violence against her. So it is not God who created us, but we ourselves who are the culprits of our God-forsakenness. Alas, we ourselves are the parents of our own death, voluntarily leaving the Lord who created us for life, the omnipresent and life-giving [everything], becoming like those who close their eyes at motionless noon and deliberately withdraw from the light, although present and illuminating them. For, having rejected the life-giving advice [of God] and through this rejection leaving God and voluntarily apostatizing from Life, we accepted the deadly advice of Satan; Thus, we settled it in ourselves, a real dead spirit, which first left God itself and, through itself, became for us the creator (προξενον - patron, intercessor) of the deadness of the soul, which, when separated from God, died alive (1 Tim. 5, 6), according to Paul" [St. Gregory Palama, 1994, p. 58–59].

In the books of the New Testament, in contrast to the books of the Old Testament, we see a different understanding of grief, different principles of its experience. This is due to the fact that people waited for the coming of the Savior into the world, the descent into hell and the resurrection of Jesus Christ took place, the sun of righteousness rose for those who were underground and in darkness, the Lord preached peace, and for those who believed he became the Author of eternal salvation, and for those who did not believe - denunciation of unbelief, and thus resolved those who had been bound for centuries.

Most of the Fathers of the Church interpreted the words of the Holy Scripture “earth you are, and to earth you will return” (Gen. 3:19) as a punishment for man, but some of them, including St. Cyril of Alexandria saw something different in this:

“So, the death of the flesh was usefully invented, not leading the animal to complete destruction, but rather preserving it to renewal and, so to speak, to future remaking, like a broken vessel. And that a living being would have to endure incorruption, the Creator did not know this, but, on the contrary, he knew that along with this would follow the destruction of indecent deeds, and the destruction of corruption, and the elevation to better condition, and the perception of initial benefits. He knew that in time He would send His Son in human form, who would die for us and destroy the power of death, in order to possess both the living and the dead" [St. Cyril of Alexandria, 1886, p. 17–18].

We find comforting words in patristic literature. For example, Gregory of Nyssa, who is grieving for Saint Basil the Great, is consoled by Sister Macrina: “Having allowed me to be briefly carried away by a gust of passion, she then begins to restrain me with a word, as if with a bridle, calming the indignant soul with her reasoning, and she uttered this apostolic saying: do not grieve for the deceased. (1 Thess. 4:13), because this sorrow is characteristic only of those who have no hope” [St. Gregory of Nyssa, 2006, p. 97].

The long sadness of the New Testament people can be called a sign of lack of faith, since “we should know that all sad events that threaten us in relation to those who accept them with gratitude are brought about for their salvation and will certainly be beneficial” [St. John of Damascus, 1998, p. 186].

“Often God allows a righteous person to fall into misfortune in order to show others the virtue hidden in him, as was the case with Job. Sometimes He allows something strange to be done, so that through an action that seems strange, something great and worthy of wonder can be accomplished, such as, for example, through the cross - the salvation of people. And in another way He allows the saint to suffer grievously, so that he does not lose his right conscience or, as a result of the strength and grace given to him, does not fall into pride, as was the case with Paul.

Someone leaves for a while to correct another, so that by observing what happens to him, the rest are educated, as we see with Lazarus and the rich man. For seeing that some people suffer, we, by the inclination of our nature, become despondent. Someone leaves for the glory of another, not for the sins of his own or his parents, like a man blind from birth - for the glory of the Son of Man. Again, someone is allowed to suffer in order to excite competition in the soul of another, so that, after the glory of the one who suffered has become great, the suffering also becomes fearless for others due to the hope of future glory and the desire for future benefits, as we see in the martyrs" [there same, s. 112–113].

To understand how grief is experienced by New Testament people, you can turn to historical facts, for example, the history of the family of Tsar Nicholas II, Grand Duchess Elizabeth Feodorovna, St. Sofia and others

Here are the deep and comforting words of Elizaveta Feodorovna, a person who experienced great sorrows and became more and more sensitive, compassionate, and did not hold any grudge against those who had wronged her:

“And I am only sure that the Lord who punishes is the same Lord who loves. And I read the Gospel a lot, and if we realize the great sacrifice of God the Father, who sent His Son to die and rise for us, then we will feel the presence of the Holy Spirit, Who illuminates our path, and then joy becomes eternal, even if our poor human hearts and our little earthly minds will experience moments that seem very scary.”

For a bereaved person, tears are what brings relief. What nature requires, God does not prohibit:

“... let us not assert that these aspirations in themselves are either a virtue or a vice; Since these are movements of the soul, it is in the power of those who use them that they are either good or not. But when there is a movement for the better in them, they become the subject of praise, like Daniel’s desire (Dan. 10:11), Phinehas’s anger (Numbers 25:11), and the one who weeps well (John 16:20); if there is an inclination towards the worse, then they become and are called passions” [St. Gregory of Nyssa, 2006, p. 116].

In other words, there is no sin in experiencing the active grief that bereavement gives rise to, but if it takes over a person to such an extent that it crowds out prayer for the deceased, then it becomes unhelpful. An Orthodox Christian finds consolation in another, namely in God, and the means are prayer, fasting, good deeds and alms. The main significance in healing from a deep spiritual wound is not the psychotherapeutic role of religion, but the active Divine grace. St. Ignatiy Brianchaninov wrote:

“Tenderness is the first spiritual sensation delivered to the heart by the Divine grace that has overshadowed it. It consists of tasting godly sorrow, dissolved by grace-filled consolation, and opens before the mind a sight it has never seen before...Vision is the reading and acceptance by the spirit of the New Testament. With the cessation of tenderness, communication with the New Testament ceases, and communication with the Old Testament begins” [St. Ignatius Brianchaninov, 2008, p. 85].

Thus, in the Holy Scriptures of the Old Testament we find examples showing that the process of grief among the people of that time lasted a longer time than indicated in modern models experiences of grief. At the same time, in the New Testament and patristic literature, in contrast to the considered psychological models of grief, we do not find descriptions of the state of aggression, anger, indignation, despair, malice and guilt. New Testament people experience losses with sorrow, but complacently, with hope for eternal life. Moreover, faith in Christ makes it possible to experience suffering and death as joy, since death for a New Testament person is not the end, but a transition from one stage of life to another.

Tribulation and suffering, as indicated in the Holy Scriptures, have as their goal: turn away from evil(Job. 33, 16. 17; 36, 8-10), lead to knowledge and confession of sin(Lev. 26, 39. 41. Num. 21, 6.7. Job 33, 19. 27; 31, 31; 36, 8-10. Ps. 31, 3-5. Jer. 2, 19. Ezek. 6 , 9; 20, 37. 43. Hos. 5, 15. Luke 15, 16-18), turn to God(Deut. 4, 30. 3 Kings. 8, 47. 48. 2 Par. 6, 26. 38; 7, 13. 14. Neh. 1, 8. 9; 9, 28. Job. 36, 8. 10 . Ps. 77, 34; Jer. 19, 22. Hos. 2., 6, 1. Luke 15, 16-18), encourage one to seek God through prayer(Judg. 4, 1-3. 3 Kings. 8, 37. 38. 2 Chron. 6, 28.29. Neh. 9, 27. Ps. 77, 34. Jer. 31. 18. Lamentations 2, 17-19 Os. 5, 14. 15. Ion. 2, 1. 2), humility(Deut. 8, 2. 16. 2 Chron. 7, 13. 14. Ps. 106, 13; 107, 12-13. Lamentations 3, 19. 20. Dan. 5, 20. 21. 2 Cor. 12 , 7), protect from oblivion (abandonment) of God(Job. 34, 31. 32. Ezek. 14, 10-11), teach the will of God(Job. 34, 31. Ps. 93, 12; 118, 67. 71. Isa. 26, 9. Mic. 6, 9), experience faith and obedience(Gen. 22, 1. 2 and Heb. 11, 17. Deut. 8, 2. Judges 2, 21; 3, 4. Jer. 9, 7. 1 Pet. 1, 6. 7. Rev. 2, 10 ), experience devotion to the word(Mark 4:17), experience and discover sincerity(Job. 1, 11. 12; 2, 5. 6; 23, 10) test the heart(Deut. 8, 2. 2 Par. 32, 31. Ps. 65, 10-12. Proverbs 17, 3), cleanse your heart(Job. 23, 10. Ps. 65, 10. Is. 1, 25; 4, 4; 48, 10. Jer. 9, 6. 7. Zech. 13, 9. Mal. 3, 2. 3. Heb. . 12, 10), awaken an abundance of good deeds(Ps. 119, 67. John 15, 2. Heb. 12, 10. 11), teach patience(Ps. 39, 2. 3. Rom. 5, 3. James 1, 3; 5, 11. 1 Pet. 2, 20) [Getse, 1978].

“What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger?” – that’s what they say, isn’t it? Perhaps so, but this awareness does not come instantly. It appears only later, over time, after the integration of already lived experience.

But what happens to us and how does it live at the very moment when this shocking event occurs, frightening, as if stopping life? An event after which it’s as if you’re not you at all, completely different from what you were before.

Psychologists call the internal process that starts at this moment – ​​grief. It's about experiencing the grief of some kind of loss. Whether connected with someone or something from the outside, or with our illusions, plans, ideas, beliefs.

Whatever it is, we lose something at this moment and a certain time must pass, and with it our feelings and experiences change.

After this, along with the updated ones, new world, in which it is no longer so uncomfortable and uncomfortable.

What does this process include, what are the stages of grief and their features?

And what to do at each of them in order to move forward and accept the loss that occurred.

Psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross suggests 5 stages of grief:

The first thing we encounter in a certain difficult situation for us, which radically changes our life, is shock and denial .

A numbness occurs, which seems to freeze all our feelings, because it is very painful to come into contact with them. All we have at this moment is a feeling of the unreality of what is happening, and also the thoughts: “This is an illusion!”, “I’m dreaming!”, “This can’t happen to me!”

At this stage, the only desire is to close yourself off from everyone, to isolate yourself.

It will be good if during this period there is someone next to you who can support you. Who can just be there. Take your time. Don't force yourself. At this stage it just takes time. It would be best if a psychologist or psychotherapist helps you with this.

It is recommended that during this stage you express what is happening to you. If you feel that it is difficult for you to accept the fact of your loss, tell about it to someone close to you or someone who can understand you. Share your indignation or confusion, don’t keep it to yourself.

Verbalization will help you move forward next stage– stage anger. The natural reactions of this process will be, as the name implies, anger, rage and irritation, which have reached their peak.

Dominant thought: “You have to give me everything back!”, “I don’t agree with what’s happening!” . There may be a desire to do a lot in order to somehow correct the situation, to regain a sense of control.

At this stage, a very powerful technique that will help you express your feelings is to write a letter to your grief or to what you have lost.

It is suggested that you sit down and write everything that comes to your mind and wants to express. Don’t think about the form, structure, or correctness of sentences. Write spontaneously. You don’t even have to re-read what you’ve written.

After this, perform some ritualized action. Burn this letter or tear it into small pieces.

Next comes the stage, which is called bargain. In this form of living with loss, you begin to bargain: “If I do this, I will again get what I lost.” (For example, when a person gets sick and cannot come to terms with the loss of a healthy and fulfilling life, at this stage, he may resort to bargaining that “if I quit smoking / leave a stressful job / allow myself to rest, then I will regain what I lost health").

At this stage, you can look for ways to correct the situation for yourself, with an exaggerated hope that they will definitely help, turn to higher powers. Again, take support from those around you, try to rely on the facts of reality and common sense.

The penultimate stage according to Kübler-Ross is the stage despair when powerlessness sets in, desperate sadness and a lot of suffering for what was lost.

Thoughts that haunt you and constantly scroll through your head: “Everything is bad,” “It won’t get better,” “Everything will only get worse,” “I can’t change anything.”

Try to bring yourself back to reality at this stage. Don’t close yourself off, look for support, ask for help. Let your emotions out. Cry if you need to.

Having passed the stage of despair, comes Adoption , which is accompanied by calm sadness. It is expressed through the thought: “I can handle this,” “Life goes on!” The situation is accepted as a given, it is possible to let go of what the time has come to say goodbye to.

After this, a search for new meanings occurs. The event that happened is perceived as an experience. It helps us become more mature, integrate it into our present and continue to live, but in a new way.

It is important not to rush yourself through each stage. Give yourself time to realize and accept. Moreover, it is important to remember that each life story is individual and cannot be adjusted to any theoretical schemes. For each person, the experience of loss will also be individual, perhaps the stages will take place in the wrong order, perhaps there will be a transition not only to a forward stage, but also a return back. The variability of feelings and their intensity can also be different.

But, in any case, seek support, ask for help, take care of yourself!