Feeling dissatisfied with life is a dangerous phenomenon. Life dissatisfaction: causes and consequences

Which must be fought sparing no effort and resources. This is quite a variant of the norm. Only a little less bright than we would like. A little more nervous. It’s not that I’m not happy with something specific, but somehow I’m just periodically sad for an unknown reason. Something inside itches, aches and asks for something unknown.

Where does this constant dissatisfaction with life and dissatisfaction with oneself come from? Most likely, somewhere we are preventing ourselves from enjoying life, cutting off the oxygen to our own song. And the subconscious signals us about this. So far it is quiet and faintly visible. But if you ignore it, it can, of course, make more noise. Let's deal with him while the case is not yet started

Dissatisfaction is a sure sign that it's time to change something.
Gerard Butler

Why do I feel like this...?

What specific object and in what specific place prevents a person from relaxing and enjoying life to the fullest depends on the specific case. Let's try to find out.

1. You are missing something

How many needs can a person have? The classic of psychology Abraham Maslow once identified five groups: physiological, the need for safety, social, the need for respect and self-expression. When some are successfully completed, others make themselves known. Perhaps the mind is quite satisfied with prosperity and professional demand, but the soul asks for? Or Creative skills do not want to stand idle and require implementation?

Listen more closely to your desires. You can even remember childhood fantasies. What might you be sorely missing right now from the point of view of that thoughtful girl? Maybe you desperately dreamed: “When I grow up, no one will limit me anymore - I can go to Africa to look at live wild giraffes!”, but you never realized this great idea?

2. You “need it more than anyone else”

Your requirements for yourself and for life are significantly inflated, and with the implementation of each point they are inflated higher and higher. You, like that famous cartoon character, will always and in any conditions “not be enough!” Any imperfection sincerely upsets you, and again and again you strive to storm the peaks - and try to drag your neighbors along with you.

Psychologists call this phenomenon a beautiful word" " and they warn in unison that he is capable of ruining life thoroughly if he is not tamed. After all, perfection is truly not observed in nature. And if you sacrifice all human joys and weaknesses to this mythical deity, then you will not achieve your goal (after all, it will forever remain somewhere at the zenith), and you will forget how to enjoy life. Well, you also torment your neighbors with eternal nagging. Until this happens, it is necessary to instill a realistic approach, forgive the tautology, to reality!

3. Comparisons haunt you.

Why, in the era of victorious socialism, did a person who rarely saw smoked sausage feel calmer than now a person who rarely sees crabs? Well, back then there were few people to envy in this sense! Relatives and neighbors stood in approximately the same clothes and stood in the same lines. Now the division has become much deeper and more obvious. And not only directly by the number of banknotes per kilogram of live weight. Here is a former employee who founded his own production center, and his satisfied face smiles from banners advertising the lifestyle of the especially powerful and influential. The ex-boyfriend was offered some kind of lucrative contract, and he is now chilling in warm California. And a former classmate has become a star and is a member of some kind of club for the especially privileged. And there are more and more such lucky people around. Surely someone will get something nice that we are deprived of!

When to an individual it is “quite good”, and to those around you it is “quite good”, you inevitably underestimate the value of what you have. Even if you learned in childhood that envy is bad, and you don’t allow corresponding thoughts, all the same, when you observe someone’s successes, you feel somehow uneasy - embarrassed for your modest achievements.

No, no need to push the discomfort deeper! You can “openly” think about how many accompanying difficulties (from the long working hours of a producer to the eternal publicity of an actress) this is “very good” for them. And give yourself every right to calm down and live your own way.

4. You are “responsible for everyone”

This “syndrome” haunts teachers and sometimes politicians more often than others. And in general, representatives of professions associated with responsibility for other people. From time to time it begins to seem that you are thereby entrusted with almost a huge responsibility for the happiness and well-being of all mankind. Everything is fine with you, you were able to sort out your problems, but... How can you allow yourself to be happy when someone else is dissatisfied and unsettled? “Nothing will work out there without me!” With this approach, even if you do everything in your power, there will still definitely be a reason for despondency. After all, someone will certainly remain unhappy. Unhappy. Despite any help.

However, this also happens for those whose activities are not related to social work. When the elongated, sad faces of those deprived by fate slowly gather around a successful person. Or it just seems that way to the person. And reflection begins: “I feel good, but my sister is depressed!”, “How can I be happy when my aunt is constantly sick?”

And so - you can do everything! Did you console your sister, did you run to the pharmacy for your aunt? What happens next is a matter of their desire and attitude. Firstly, you are not a wizard, and secondly, even wizards in fairy tales could not make everyone automatically happy - there were always some restrictions. As for professional responsibility for careless students or stubborn patients, it is useful to often remember the wise formula with them: “Do what you must - and come what may.”

5. You “don’t like anything at all”

I hope, of course, that this is not about you at all. But it also happens: no matter what happens, a person does not like it. The dissatisfaction is general, global and insurmountable. Pessimist complex. If something is wrong (even in small things), he immediately blossoms: “I knew it!” If something turns out just right, he shrugs: “It’s an accident! And there’s probably something wrong here...”

A noted pessimist always firmly remembers one of the consequences of Murphy's Law: “When things are going well, you may not notice something.” But he doesn’t always remember that these laws are jokes. Trying to really please such a person with anything is an extremely difficult, thankless task... and even dangerous. He may see something completely bad in this desire.

How do such comrades even manage to live and get by - and make anything of anything? Differently. Some stubbornly hold on to their peculiarity, since it gives, strange as it may sound, a certain uncertainty: after all, there is really nowhere to fall from the very bottom rung. Some people feel that they won’t get far with this approach, but they can’t help themselves - and compensate for their eternal dissatisfaction with patience and a sense of humor. But the bravest ones still decide to try “in a good way” - and, although not particularly believing, they still go for a consultation with soul specialists. It’s good if these specialists do not belong to the type described above!

The main thing is calm

Okay, you’ve made a “diagnosis” for yourself. We determined that everything is actually in order, that the harmony of the world knows no boundaries, and only we set them for ourselves. It’s already clearer, it’s already easier. How can you finally stop worrying all the time and finally allow yourself to relax internally? What should I prescribe for myself as a “second aid”?

• Love. A strong and vivid feeling is the best cure for the doubtful “maybe there’s something wrong with me after all?” and unconstructive “I want something, I don’t know what...”. Especially mutual.
• Art. It is not for nothing that it is prescribed. It is excellent therapy, and not in the sense that it consoles, showing something beautiful and pleasant, but in the sense that it allows you to look at everything, including yourself with your “cockroaches,” from the other side. Often from a bird's eye view.
• Sport. You know, sometimes there is an incomprehensible internal discomfort - only because with a sedentary lifestyle there is nowhere to put the excess accumulated static electricity, and the stagnant body asks for movement, air and useful loads - and the sour tension is relieved as if by hand! The main thing is that you like it.
• "Non-business" matters. It can be very difficult for a workaholic fixated on achievements to realize that something useless can be useful. What's the point of walking, what's the point of amateur carnivals? But “meaningless” and “impractical” pleasures charge you with childish energy. As a child, I suppose there was no such thing as unmotivated blues in sunny weather!
• Emotional release. Are you sad and don't know why? Remember something sad and cry! Are you nervous out of the blue? Throw stuffed elephants at the sofa and darts at the Personalized Trouble's painted face! It will probably feel better.

In a peaceful direction

Surely all sensible humanity, having read these lines, has already thought: on the other hand, if dissatisfaction exists in a person, does that mean someone needs it? First of all, to this man himself. After all, if it were completely cloudless for us everywhere, we would not see progress - neither personal nor social! So we would sit in the dugouts, happy with everything: it doesn’t drip - it’s already comfortable.

After all, why drive out the feeling of dissatisfaction completely and irrevocably? You can, after all, by curbing this feeling, not kill it completely and irrevocably, but simply direct it to your benefit. How can you imagine a being who never doubts anything, is happy with everything and is always in a good-natured mood... and even somehow becomes a little disgusted. Still, the same thing was in that very place - useful tool when it makes you become better and make the world around you better!

So, we take our own vague discontent, our own internal aggressiveness - and apply it to specific case idle time and slipping as an incentive! Yeah, we got there, tore off the ribbon... And now we urgently throw the incentive we just used away! Otherwise, he may again drive there - who knows where, in search of that - who knows what... And according to our plan, we have rest, breathe deeply and enjoy ordinary life!

Video: Deep dissatisfaction with life. How to defeat her?

Three wise principles

What makes a man an eligible bachelor? A tight wallet, a sharp mind and... When somewhere deep in the bottom of the soul doubts and fears swarm like an unclear shadow, simple techniques help to cope with them.

1. The "say it out loud" principle
   It is used when something is bothering you, but you don’t know what exactly. Then you need, left alone with yourself, to try to clearly and clearly name everything that may cause discomfort in this situation. Very often it is discovered that fears and fears, “pulled out into the light of God,” appear simply funny and insignificant - and then they can be let go with a smile.
2. "Please clarify" principle
   It is used when dissatisfaction is caused by the need to achieve something, and the meaning and level of achievement is unclear. But then no result can bring pleasure! Remember Bender’s question to Shura Balaganov, exactly how much he needs to be happy. This is the correct technique.
3. The "buy a goat" principle
   It is used when you, in a normal and balanced state, still feel some kind of vague awkwardness - either from focusing on someone’s opinion (“they might think that I’m lazy and don’t strive for more”), or from boredom (“everyone so good that it’s not even interesting”). Create an additional difficulty for yourself so that, having gotten rid of it, you can breathe a sigh of relief - and appreciate the advantages of your situation with fresh joy!

All misfortunes are from nerves

Dissatisfaction is a terrible thing. In healthy doses, it can certainly help achieve your goals. And in unhealthy ones, it causes all sorts of troubles.

• Family conflicts. Spouses, one of whom is dissatisfied with something in family life(not necessarily in the intimate sphere, although that too), they don’t always think of discussing the source of latent discontent and deciding how to eliminate it together.
  More often, implicit claims result in unconstructive grinding, whims, claims and quarrels, which set the situation in motion.
• Violation of rules on the roads. Russian psychologists have found that the root of many road accidents is not technical problems and, even, not in the absence of skills, but in the “head”. It is internal dissatisfaction that gives rise to aggression, which forces drivers to act recklessly and cut off, and pedestrians to carelessly stomp across traffic and at red lights.
• Addiction. When significant needs cannot be realized, dissatisfaction takes on global proportions. And if there is something that relieves this tension (games, drugs...), there is a big risk of immediately becoming addicted. Hence the pattern that more often children from dysfunctional families fall for such destructive “consolations”.

Eternally dissatisfied people We've probably met everyone. Perhaps you, dear reader, from time to time experience a feeling of dissatisfaction with something or someone. Most often, dissatisfaction is caused by the people around us and circumstances. It's worse when we are unhappy with ourselves. But if these sensations cloud the mind and corrode the soul only occasionally and pass quickly, then this is normal, it is like healthy self-criticism. What to do if dissatisfaction constantly prevails over other feelings?

What can cause negative emotions and an eternally sour face?

Most often, these are envious neighbors, idiotic colleagues, stupid children, stupid spouses, incomprehensible love relationship, work, lack of funds, etc. and so on. You can find a reason to tear everything and everyone to smithereens and grumble! Is it necessary?

In this article we will look at:
— What prevents people from experiencing life satisfaction?
— What ways are there to change the world around us?
— How to make the feeling of satisfaction with life come more often?

We will offer you a simple test, by answering the questions you can find the way to big changes in your life, of course - for the better.

Why doesn't the world adapt to us so that we are always happy with life?

Funny question, isn't it?

Every grumbler has at least once wondered why everything is not going the way he wants? A feeling of dissatisfaction arises when the desired and the actual do not coincide. If everyone had everything they want and lived according to their ideas about happy life, would he have reasons to be dissatisfied? Probably yes!

Do you know why? It’s just that this is such a character, and life does not give such people, looking for a reason to grumble, another fate…. Therefore, they will continue to live with their dissatisfaction, not suspecting that everything can be corrected.

Feeling of discontent - where is the root of evil buried?

In short, people and circumstances that complicate life are to blame for everything. And if you dig deeper, dissatisfaction grows in our head, in our way of thinking and in our attitude towards a particular situation.
Let's see what can be changed in the life of an eternally dissatisfied person.

Life satisfaction- This is primarily the achievement of some goals and results. Accordingly, while we are moving towards our cherished dream, there may be many obstacles along the way, a waste of time and effort. Sometimes all our attempts to achieve a goal do not produce significant results, and feeling of dissatisfaction grows like corrosion. Know how to stop in time and stop your own destruction!

Think about what happened from the moment you started pursuing your dream? Even if the final result has not been achieved, and it has already become clearly clear that failure has finally won, you should not give up. It is necessary to analyze everything that happened at this stage, i.e. take into account intermediate results. And sometimes they can turn out to be much more effective, more useful than an unattained goal.

A simple and common example is when people are looking for a job, go to interviews, but nothing changes - there is no job. In fact, during the search required work a person makes new acquaintances, gains invaluable experience in presenting himself, his successes and achievements. Accordingly, more self-confidence begins to appear, sober calculation and analysis appear, and then it’s worth thinking about - maybe ask for an increase in salary, rather than look for a new job?
This is a simple example that actually gives partial, intermediate results, which could not even be predicted in advance.

Perhaps our current situation will be assessed much more rosier than before we begin to do something.

Dissatisfaction with life due to fear

What to do if a person is always afraid of something?
If we consider fear as a feeling of self-preservation, then this is justified in some cases, for example, being afraid to climb a mountain slope without insurance, etc.

It’s another matter when people justify their laziness and lack of initiative by fear of change.
Some people are afraid of risk and therefore they do not change anything in their lives, continuing to feel thrown overboard from a comfortable, joyful life.

It is this fear that deprives a person of will and prevents him from making a correct assessment of his talents, strengths, etc. Such fear manifests itself against the background of hidden depression and anxiety.

There are several options to correct the situation:

• Contact a psychotherapist, undergo a course of therapy, and then the thought of a complete fiasco will not seem something terrible.
• Calculate all the risks, consider the worst options and ways out of them.
• Change character. In fact, this is possible at any age. And only those who don’t want to do anything say that at 35 (45...) it’s too late to change.
• Buy it for self-analysis, watch films about successful people.

What's the easiest thing to do to get out of the swamp?

Eternal doubts, programming the hopelessness of what is planned, suspicion, uncertainty are the most important inhibitors to prosperity. It is these character qualities that take away courage, initiative,

Even if what you plan doesn’t work out the way you wanted, remember that intermediate results and the experience gained can open up new opportunities.

Nothing helps... neither books, nor films... Is self-analysis boring and difficult, and leads even deeper into depression? Then you definitely need the help of a psychologist. And there's nothing wrong with that. Scarier - Feel dissatisfied with life all the time.

Questions to help you understand how to get rid of feelings of dissatisfaction

Until you reach a psychologist, try to figure it out on your own.
To start:

1. Decide which aspect of life dissatisfies you the most
2. Write down all your main desired improvements: work, hobbies, personal life, children, place of residence, image, figure, education. etc.

1. What will change in my life if I succeed?
2. Where should I start and how long will it take me to reach my goal?
3. How much education, physical strength, and financial opportunities do I have to achieve what I want? Those. Decide how difficult the path to meeting your personal needs will be for you.
4. What do I have that can help me achieve my goal? Skills, talents, education, charm, perseverance...
5. What character traits do I need to correct - habit, laziness, chronic distrust of people... ()
6. What happens if I crash on the way to my goal?
7. Who or what can stop me from achieving my plans?
8. What needs to be done to eliminate (prevent) interference and reduce the influence of negative factors on my answers from the previous paragraphs?
9. What kind of insurance do I need, a plan to cope with unexpected troubles, mistakes on?
10. Who can I rely on? Who can help me? This is the last question you should answer because... in this life you need to rely only on yourself, and be able to cope with all difficulties on your own. If you have such a reliable person, show him your answers to all these questions. Let him evaluate from the outside how much you are really capable of changing your life.

How to make life satisfaction come more often?

Remember one more thing important rule— the more realistic your goal, the faster you will come to it. If you set the bar high, you can get into a lot of trouble and end up with terrible disappointment.

Therefore, divide the great goal into several small ones. Then, satisfaction from the achieved results will come more often, and dissatisfaction with life will be less noticeable. This way it is easier to train yourself to fail, to strengthen your will.

And one more thing, the last and most important thing is to act!
The best day is today.

Some more interesting articles.

Every person, even the most successful, periodically experiences a feeling of doom, powerlessness and fatigue. And some of us are in it constantly. Everyone gets this feeling various reasons, especially if you are trying to change something in your life. A bunch of obstacles, complications and fears immediately appear. You try and it doesn't work, you quickly give up, and now you have an excuse. At least you tried, and you console yourself that you are not the only one. But the feeling of dissatisfaction does not go away and poisons your whole life. It's a dead end, and if you don't make an effort to get out of it, you'll get stuck in a rut.

But don’t give up and give up, there is good advice who will help us.

- Definition of goals.

It's impossible to move forward if you don't know where you're going. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, turn off your thoughts. Listen to your soul, where do you see yourself in a year, then in 5 years, if you want, you can go further 10, 20 years in the future. What are you like, what kind of people surround you, what do you do? Then write everything down, in the future you can add elements and images, think through everything more precisely, and shape your future. The Universe loves accuracy, and if you yourself don’t know what you want to change, then how can they give it to you. When a goal appears, if it is yours, the universe will tell you how to go towards it correctly.

- Get into the habit of planning and journaling.

Very often we get distracted by unnecessary things and waste a lot of time on nonsense. Get into the habit of planning your day, week and even year. I don't mean that you should be like a robot and live according to a schedule. But it is very useful to systematize your work. If you have a rough plan for the day, it will be easier for you to get everything done and not forget anything. Especially if you are starting new life or business. With a journal, you can see the progress you've made or what you still need to work on. I also advise you to keep your budget, write down your expenses. And you will see that a lot of extra money is spent on all sorts of nonsense, that’s what happened to me.

- Meditation and relaxation

I advise you to take 10-15 minutes for yourself every night, at least before going to bed. We all live at a very nervous and fast pace, often work to exhaustion, and do not give ourselves rest. The fact that you relax during sleep is just an illusion. Yours nervous system works even harder and processes everything that happened to you. So take some time to meditate or at least take a relaxing bath. It is not necessary to meditate on anything specific, just listen to music and get rid of thoughts, let go of all stress. After this, it will be easier for you to get up in the morning and you will have much more energy. Every evening I not only relax, but also practice the technique of forgiving the offender. I let go of the grievances and stress accumulated during the day using this technique, and my attitude towards the situation changes dramatically.

- Ask and they will help you.

When we are depressed or desperate, we really need the support of family and friends. Or at least someone who can support Hard time. But very often we don’t get it and get very angry. But we ourselves are to blame, our loved ones are not psychics and they also have their own problems, because of which they do not notice ours. Learn to talk about your needs, don't be shy. Ask for help, ask for advice, maybe your loved ones know how to get out of this situation. Or they will simply inspire and amuse you. If there are no loved ones nearby, you can contact a psychologist specializing in critical conditions, or attend training on this topic. The main thing is not to isolate yourself.

- Do what you love.

Usually wallowing in dissatisfaction is a consequence of a creative crisis and as a consequence of a large loss of energy. Most likely, you are not doing what you love, and your soul is tormented. We all need an outlet from our cruel world. Allow yourself to be yourself, do what you have long wanted. Better yet, relapse into childhood more often, this quick way energy restoration. Have fun, play with the kids, jump on the trampoline, let the bubble etc.

- Reconsider your attitude towards life.

This applies to all areas, you need to analyze your life. Make a list of everything that doesn't suit you. Analyze carefully, much in our lives is imposed on us by our parents and society. Learn to listen to your needs, not those of others. Learn to say no, let go of guilt, get rid of the fear of judgment. People who truly love you will accept you that way. When I went through this painful operation, at first it was very difficult and scary. I so want to return the whole past, where everything was bad, but familiar. No, since we want spiritual growth and joy in life, we must think about ourselves first. Learn to be happy with what you have. Our brain is designed in such a way that we see everything in black and white. However, he can be re-educated, every evening thank the universe for everything you have, remember only the good. It’s hard at first, but if you have great desire and perseverance, the results will be amazing.

Latest research time sex life led to a sensational result - this high degree female dissatisfaction in family life. In addition, even those women who consider themselves completely satisfied admit that the ability to enjoy sex did not come to them immediately, but only after several years of not very joyful intimate life.

Others complain about the inadequacy of their husbands, or that they have lost desire for their husbands, or even for men in general. And dissatisfaction manifests itself not only at the level of experiences, but also at the level physical health, giving rise to a feeling of depression, poor health and weakness. And most of them do not experience orgasmic release, and some claim that intimacy is unpleasant for them.

This picture looks even more sad and strange because today experts firmly know that the ability of the fair sex to enjoy sex is immeasurably higher than that of men. Let's take orgasmic release. Its maximum duration for a man does not exceed two and a half seconds, and for women it reaches 12 seconds or more, and a woman can experience several consecutive orgasms.

And the ability of the fair sex to experience sensual pleasure and orgasmic release from caresses: kisses on the ears, neck, chest, back - this happens in a third of all orgasmic women. What about sexy female longevity?

How many women, even at forty-five to fifty years old, experience strong attraction, revel in intimacy, consider three, four, or even five sexual acts a week optimal for themselves, striving for a more active sexual life.

So, potentially the fair sex is able to enjoy intimate life many times more than men. In practice, they receive much less joy from it, and a significant part of them are in a state of sexual dissatisfaction. So what's the deal? Why do wonderful women fail to realize their enormous sensual potential?

Many women complain that they are ready to cheat on their husband or regular partner, and the reason for this readiness is sexual dissatisfaction. Although their relationship is in complete harmony. They also admit that most of their sexual fantasies and desires remained unfulfilled.

Significant disadvantage marital sex lies in the fact that it is necessarily affected by everyday difficulties and conflicts, which, in principle, have nothing to do with intimate life. Disagreements and quarrels, which are inevitable in life together even for people who love each other, inhibit both male and female sensuality, but female, due to her vulnerability, much more strongly.

Among women who feel dissatisfied and “unfulfilled in their intimate life,” sexologists have long identified two large groups.

The first of them includes those who, while experiencing a fairly good and often strong attraction, do not feel pleasure in sexual intercourse and do not achieve orgasm, even if they have a good partner.

In the second - women who are capable of both pleasure and release, but at the same time their relationship with their partner is such that they do not get enough sex and their abilities are simply not in demand.

First - about the first group.

Their difficulties are caused by a feeling of shame and guilt for their own sensuality, feelings that are often unconscious. These feelings were formed in childhood, as a result of parental prohibitions and punishments. The majority of women who turn to psychotherapists about the lack of pleasure in sex and orgasm, at the age of 5 - 7 - 10 years, were punished by their parents for erotic games or masturbation. And they developed a strong feeling of shame and guilt, and now they refuse any sexual activity, even fantasies.

Girls grow up with the conviction that touching their genitals is “bad” and sometimes dangerous (they will be punished!), they stop touching the clitoris and vagina, and their sensitivity is lost. It is these episodes of “crime and punishment” that a woman can remember only in psychoanalysis sessions. The tragedy of such women is that parents are generally much more intolerant and aggressive towards manifestations of sexuality in girls than in boys.

Parents, as a rule, fail to suppress girls' desires, but they manage to block their ability to enjoy. The paradox is that parents are most strict with those girls in whom they feel and notice bright, expressed sexuality, and as a result, the most temperamental (potentially) representatives of the fair sex are deprived of the opportunity to enjoy sex.

As for the women of the second group, two paths are open to them. The first is to increase your sexual attractiveness in the eyes of your husband or constant friend, to introduce intimate life erotic games, diversify and enliven it. Or bring your partner to a psychologist who will identify and help get rid of the problem. In most cases this is successful, although there are no quick successes.

If this path turns out to be unpromising and for some reason it is not possible to awaken the partner’s sexuality (despite all the efforts of specialists and women themselves, this happens), then it makes sense to look for an additional partner, to “get” sex, as they say, “on the side” . I know that this proposal will cause protest and even indignation among many readers: sexual infidelity contradicts the orientation of most women towards fidelity and devotion and awakens a strong feeling of guilt, but there is no other way out.

Due to the reasons that we talked about, and those that I will talk about later (for example, a decrease in potency due to bad habits or illness), not all husbands can be worthy sexual partners - this is the reality. Of course, a non-marital relationship must be secret and fit within certain limits, but in many cases it cannot be avoided!

It is sensual dissatisfaction, according to the men themselves and data modern research, is the main motive for our “affairs on the side” - and most of us have such affairs, and often more than once. Men do not agree to live in dissatisfaction, and find ways to satiate their sensuality - that’s why more than 90% of us believe that we have “succeeded in sex.”

Both observations of psychotherapists and mass examinations show that modern women strive to improve their intimate life, they no longer want to put up with what has been their lot for long and long years, do not want to put up with life without sexual joys. Twice more women they suffer because intimacy with a regular partner (husband or friend) does not bring them proper satisfaction, usually in terms of quantity, and often quality. Indeed, such sex initially contains a lot of flaws.

First of all, the peak of a husband's sexuality is long behind him: it occurs at the age of 19 - 24 years, and our husbands are usually 4 - 5 years older than their wives. So a woman, at her sexual prime (28 - 35 years old), receives a partner whose peak of sensuality passed ten years ago.

“Hello, dear organizers of the “I am a Woman” project. I am 40 years old, I have a family and three children. I am in constant search for the meaning of life. The presence of some kind of dissatisfaction with life does not leave me, the feeling of not having a place in this life, it simply drives me into a frenzy. I don’t understand what else I need? Everything seems to be fine: the children are healthy, the husband loves and cares. And this makes it even worse. I don’t feel spiritual fulfillment. Yearning!

I’m looking for a problem in myself: maybe I don’t love? I broke up with my first love because he was married and decided to save the family for the sake of the child. I met my future husband on the second day after moving to a new place of residence. He immediately fell in love with me. I told him about my pain and that I didn’t know if I could love anyone else like that.
Time passed, we got married, our children were born. But the longing for first love never went away. She lived for many years in the hope of forgetting him.
I recently met my first love again, and feelings flared up from greater strength both have. He was never happy: a few years later he divorced his wife. But I was never able to love my husband. I never looked at him as a man. I got married and thought if I could endure it, I would fall in love. I'm completely confused.
And now my loved one is asking me to get married and really wants a baby. And I really want to go to him. This is a state of flight, happiness and love. I must have gone crazy. Or maybe I confuse love with something else, and it’s just my ego. I don’t know what to do next or how to live, I’m completely confused. On the one hand, family and children. On the other hand, my beloved man with whom I dream of being close. I feel like an ungrateful bastard towards my family. But I can no longer live as before. I'm at a dead end, although I know that there are no dead ends. I can't find a way out yet. I really hope to hear your opinion on this matter. Thank you in advance. Larisa."
Psychologist Alla Jansons answers:
"Hello! You're not crazy, it's just time to get to know each other new information about myself.
Who is a WOMAN? This is a set of desires to receive pleasure.
Every woman has three types of desires:
1. Bodily, also characteristic of animal nature(everything related to maintaining your body, plus the desire for family (safety).
2.Human, selfish desires. We evolve above animal nature, craving power and glory, striving to rise above others. These desires apply only to the human race. Animals don't have this.
3. Above bodily and human desires lies a desire directed towards science, towards wisdom. It is also unique to humans. I want to know why and what I live for, how nature works, what is happening around, how one thing is connected to another.
In reality, I am in a certain sphere called “nature” and am slowly “scraping” pieces of information from it, and then checking the accumulated material. This is my “science”. Tomorrow I will discover new laws of nature. Do they still exist today? Of course they exist, but I'm not smart enough to detect them. Step by step, developing science, we are discovering new patterns inherent in nature.
Thus, we are composed of three types of desires: animal, human and scientific. In each person these desires make up different combinations. One is more attracted by science, another by wealth or power, and for the third it is quite enough ordinary life: football, a can of beer - and my head doesn’t hurt about anything. Everyone is built in their own way, there are no good or bad, any person has all three types of desires, and he reaches for those of them that dominate the rest.
Everyone occupies a place in society that corresponds to his combination of properties. Eventually, different people find suitable activities for themselves in society, building their family, environment and life accordingly.
You are now “confused” due to the fact that you do not sort your states (good or bad) according to the type of desire to which they relate.
You now need to make a calculation at the level of bodily desires: sex, safety, housing, living expenses, the ability to solve problems, the opinions of others: children, neighbors, parents, relatives.
In each of your desires you want to receive pleasure. For example: in the desire “children” you want to receive fulfillment - respect from children, in the desire “husband” - to receive security. And in the desire for “love” you want to get “sex” with your beloved man with whom you get greatest filling in the desire for sex. Very often a woman confuses love with good sex.
In the desire “what will others think of you if you leave for your man,” your desire to feel respect from those around you (neighbors, relatives, etc.) is triggered.
There is a constant “internal calculation” going on. This is how we “balance” in life: which desire is greater and stronger, “has the upper hand over us.”
Determine the most problem areas and think about them. Everything will be resolved on its own.
My advice: figure it out for yourself, What is love. If a person begins to study this concept, he will see that at every second he is in the best for him external conditions, which generally change without his will.